Saturday, August 13, 2011

Do Robots Sneeze?

I am a human. So, of course I have sneezed. But I recently sneezed, and it was such a big and powerful one, that it shook my whole body. You know the type? Where it rocks your entire body, you shake from head to toe. It screwed up my whole operating system for a minute. I was standing there trying to regain my sense of balance. Well, that was I thought at first. Maybe it wasn’t my operating system. Maybe it was my nervous system. Yeah, that must have been what I meant, since I am a human and not a robot. I don’t have an operating system. But then I started thinking, do robots sneeze?

That might seem like a silly question at first but if you analyze what a sneeze is, it’s really not. It’s a sudden spasmodic expiration of breath, usually loud, and usually as a reaction to something that has entered our body. And that’s science bitch! So, when something unexpected enters our airways and our body doesn’t like it, we sneeze. OK, glad we have that so that gross shit doesn’t get stuck inside us, but that’s not something our body is supposed to be doing. It’s something it’s set up to do in case intruders enter. It’s like an automatic weapons response to someone entering grounds they are not welcome on. You are prepared for it, your body is set up that way, but there’s no gain to a sneeze. No one’s body wants to sneeze for any reason. Now, think of robots and computers (which I will use interchangeably as if they are the same exact thing whether you like it or not). Do they do anything as a reaction response? Anything that is of no gain to you while using the computer. How about when viruses get inside of it and it acts all glitchy and freaks out and shuts down so that the virus cannot harm it. That’s a computer sneeze. And as I’ve decided it’s also known as...a robot sneeze.

What about other things the body does? Do computers do other things we do too? How about a hiccup? Hiccups, I have no idea why those things happen. Too much air trapped somewhere? No enough air? Something weird with air I’m guessing. What about when you give your computer too many commands all at once and it freezes and goes real slow for a couple seconds? Robot hiccup! How do you get rid of your computer’s hiccups? Tell it to hold it’s breath for 30 seconds. Hibernation mode. Maybe make it drink a glass of water real fast. There is no comparison for that one. Just don’t do it.

What else is there? I think when a computer is deleting something, that’s the computer pooping. It’s expelling a file, or what have you, from it’s system. It’s ridding itself of an object. It’s pooping. You might say, “Ah, but if I have deleted something on my computer it still just ends up in the Recycle Bin. If I need to recover it, it’s still there. So, it’s not completely out of the system.” You’re right. However, every time you poop, you wipe, right? That’s what emptying the Recycle Bin is. Wiping. You’ve expelled it from your system, just getting the remains out as well. That’s pretty gross to think about but if you don’t want to have to deal with grossness, just always empty the Recycle Bin. It’s what a civilized robot does.

So, you see, robots are no different from us humans. They have operating systems which keep them alive. And they have weird little “hiccups” which can happen unexpectedly just like how we do. That’s why when the robots try to take over Earth, we won’t see it coming (except for a few super nerds). They will have related to us and shown they can be just like us. We will have excepted them into our lives. Then, they will make their move! Only they don’t know we have knowledge on how to beat them. And I’m surprised this tactic hasn’t been used in other robot takeovers movies such as “I Robot”. They used it in “Signs” oddly enough, and that movie is about aliens. Water. Water is their weakness. Ever spill water on your computer. That shit is FUCKED! Yeah. When the robots try to take over, we’ll just spray them with hoses and pour glasses of water on their heads. It’s an abundant resource on this planet and it kills them almost instantly. So, we’ll be all set in that scenario. No one needs to worry about that anymore. And don’t worry about pondering the age old question anymore. It’s been answered. Robots do sneeze!

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