Saturday, August 6, 2011

Dirty Sexy Cash

I’ve been getting more and more unusually marked dollar bills recently. Has this ever happened to you? You get a dollar bill as change for one of your many important purchases in life (custom made bowling shoes, pen sword, tiger mask with matching paws) and someone has written on it? Sometimes you’ll notice tiny things, like a random number in the corner. Or a tiny little smiley face down on the bottom. But sometimes it’s a little more advanced. That’s what I’m talking about. And I’m not saying that in the sense an inner city youth might when he sees someone do something really cool, “Now, that’s what I’m talking about!” I’m saying it in the sense like I was just talking about something, and then I felt it needed clarification, so I gave it clarification, with a clear cut example, and then let you know that was what I was talking about beforehand.

Getting back on track, sometimes the dollar bills have something much more distinct written on them. The first one I recall coming across was when I was a waiter at a restaurant. I had a party of two, an old lady with her granddaughter. I gave them the bill and the old lady paid cash. Her tip was a ten dollar bill with KEG $ written on it. I remember grabbing it from her and being very confused. Why did she, a 70 year old grandmother, have money labeled for keg money? Was she getting a keg later? And with ten dollars? I’m pretty sure they’re more than that. Then, later I realized, it didn’t have to be her who wrote on it. Someone did at one point, then hopefully used it to buy a keg. Let’s hope it wasn’t the total cost of that keg for the sake of that party or else that was some shitty ass party beer. So, after they used it at the keg place, the owner of the keg place took it, or maybe even a disgruntled employee stole it, and then one of them used it, maybe at a strip club. Then, perhaps the stripper used it to buy groceries, after pulling it from the man’s mouth and placing it in her undies. Then, the owner of the grocery store used the money to pay the baby-sitter, and back to the old lady who baby-sits on the weekends who sat at my table. Then, I got the bill. See how that works? Then, I used it somewhere, don’t remember where, but I wish I thought to take a picture first. But this basically proves two things. One - money circulates in all sorts of ways passing through all sorts of hands and other body parts. Which leads us to two - never put money in your mouth.

As you can see above, I have included a picture of a different dollar bill. A five dollar bill which I received recently. Change from a bar. Can you read what it says? Ken The Bucket Guy!! And there’s some squiggle marks on Abe’s forehead. What do you think that’s all about. My guess is there’s a guy who comes into a bar a lot. They know his name is Ken, but don’t know his last name. Every other day he comes in, 6 p.m. sharp. He carries a large bucket with him every day he’s in. The bucket reads, MY LIFE. Inside are what he claims to be the only things important in his life. It has his cell phone, his wallet, a pack of cigarettes, and a slinky. His reasoning, what matters is contact with others, currency, keeping your sanity, and enjoyment. Once someone asked Ken, “What about sex? Shouldn’t you have a condom in there to represent sex?” To which Ken replied, “Condoms are for pussies.” Then, he gulped down the rest of his jack and coke. That’s all he drinks. And Ken is a vulgar man. So, they dubbed him Ken The Bucket Man. And he kind of looks like Abe Lincoln if he had a more wrinkly forehead. And one employee at the bar was showing to another how he looks like Abe Lincoln if you just modify the forehead. So, that’s why you see the squiggles on the forehead. That’s my theory on the origin of that dollar bill. But who knows? It could be anything!


How about this next one? This one just seems racist. Pretty offensive. I think it’s actually one of those racist remarks, that’s based on stereotypes, but incorrectly done. Know what I mean? It says, RICO WASHINGTON if you can’t read it. So, this is apparently some sort of depiction of George Washington’s cousin of hispanic descent I suppose? Maybe he’s an in-law with the same last name. Adopted. Who knows? Anyway, the person who drew on this dollar bill thinks that if you have dark, prominent eyebrows, like that of Don Quixote, if you have a curly moustache, like that of Don Quixote, and if you have a flavor savor patch, like that of all the oldschool devil cartoons or Don Quixote, then your name must be Rico. I don’t quite get it. Shouldn’t it just say Don Washington? Maybe no one would get it. What about George Quixote? Maybe that doesn’t make sense because now their last names aren’t the same. So, this person thinks Don Quixote had a brother Rico Quixote or something? And that’s the appropriate name to use? I don’t know. All I know is I got this one and Ken The Bucket Man not more than a few days apart. Scary. They’re becoming more frequent now.

And now that I’ve taken my pictures of them and will keep their memory in my heart forever, it’s time for me to set them off into the wild. I’m not holding onto them forever. I’m going to spend them. And for a reason! One - I need another set of custom made bowling shoes, the other ones are falling apart. And two - I want to see if they make it to anybody I know. Small chance of that happening I know, but maybe they’ll make it to an acquaintance. Or to someone I don’t know who happens to read this blog. Yeah right, everyone who reads this blog is friend or family and I tell them to read it. But I don’t know worth a try. So, be on the lookout for Ken The Bucket Man and Rico Washington. Oh and KEG $ too! And remember, if you obtain those dollars, or any other dollars for that matter, don’t put them in your mouth!

3 comments:

  1. I hope I get the Rico Washington! And if I do I am framing that shit! Until I need a dollar then I'm breaking the frame and using it. Actually I won' break the frame that will be a waste of a frame. Instead I'll take it apart like a normal human and not an ape. Our ancestors.

    #TrackRicoDown!

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  2. Bahah! No way! Rico will be Framed for Life!! i also hope that you washed your hands after recieving KEG Money. it was in a strippers panties and we all know how clean those are!

    #TrackRicoDown!

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  3. I spent Rico in NH and Ken The Bucket Guy in CA. If you found either that would be amazing but Rico seems more possible. Oh also KEG $ was spent in NH awhile ago.

    ReplyDelete