Thursday, August 25, 2011

Diary Entry: 10 - Wario's Stadium

Dear Diary,

As you remember we found out that some fat turd named Wario had kidnapped my Princess. First Bowser, now this Mario imposter! Another guy I got to chase down. And I think this guy is posing as an Italian. He’s obviously not. No self-respecting Italian in this day and age would wear purple pants and a yellow shirt. We got more style than that. And his moustache? Yuck! Comb that thing once in awhile. Yeah, I know what he looks like. We checked out the security tapes from the Mushroom Kingdom Inn. So me, Luigi, Toad and Yoshi all got super duper high off these mushrooms we found on the outskirts of town.

Oh boy, we were tripping. Again it happened, where I grew like twice my size. Luigi did too. Yoshi grew wings. Nothing happened to stupid little Toad. I think his open blue vest got lamer. I know for a fact his voice got more annoying. Anyway, we found out Wario took the Princess to this race track and was making her race go-karts with him. Just like Bowser! What is it with these guys? They can’t find a lady to ride with? They got to kidnap one just to get a female to hang with them. I guess there aren’t too many women in these parts. There’s so few many people have questioned whether Toad was a girl or not. Also, one of the more attractive women around town is a pink dinosaur named Birdo. Not a bird. Weird fucking name.

We sneak in on one of these races. We got plans to derail this Wario guy. The gang is going to get Princess to safety while I beat his ass with a turtle shell for giving me a bad rep. The race starts and we stay close, trying to sneak up on him. He’s at the front of the pack. I don’t know if it was because we were so high or what but we came across a tiny ape driving one car (just like that huge smelly ape we saw before) and an evil Luigi guy. Luigi starts freaking out and starts punching himself in the face. He cannot handle his shrooms. I remember one time he thought his hands were melting. He went and stuck them in the fridge and stayed there all night.

Anyway, this guy starts throwing bombs at us! That’s right, bombs! We don’t even know him and he’s trying to kill us. He brought weapons with him, and no one checked him at the gate! What the fuck kinda place is this? We’re evading explosions left and right. Luigi is farthest ahead since he’s the best driver. He finally gets his shit together and snaps out of it. He drives straight at the evil him and forces him right off the road! We’re on some dirt track so they crash into the wall off on the side. Well, that guy is out of the way. But now this little monkey guy is throwing banana peels at us. Normally, you’d think nothing of this. But these banana peels are super slippery. Remember the banana in the tailpipe trick in “Beverly Hills Cop”? Well, there’s more you can do with a banana to mess up a car.

So, I’m getting pretty angry. Leaping linguini! How am I supposed to drive with all this fruit rubbish on the ground! Yoshi mans the fuck up and drives right at the little monkey. He opens his mouth wide and his tongue rolls out at lightning speed. It snatches up the little fur ball and pulls him into Yoshi’s mouth! Yoshi swallows the damn thing whole! Though as he does this he coghs and burps and loses control and crashes off on the side of the course. He’s having trouble digesting the monkey and spits him back up. They two of them lay there weak, helpless, and covered in saliva, letting the race go on ahead of them. Me and Toad close in on Wario. The bastard thinks he’s gonna get away! Toad starts getting me amped by calling me Super Mario. I feel like I am on this high I’m on. He also starts singing “Eye Of The Tiger” as he drives next to me which is “pump you up, get a boner” material.

Wario starts to take a turn and I pull out my plunger I’ve been keeping in my kart. I stick it to his back left wheel, the suction messes up the friction between his wheel and the ground (it’s science) and he spins off to the side. I screech to a halt and hop out of the car. As Toad drives ahead I yell out, “Save the Princess! I got this joker!” Bad ass. I’m getting pretty good at all that. I slowly walk up to this fat mess on the ground. The music is still running through my head. I crouch down to him, grab his shoulder, and roll him over onto his back. I reveal, he is crying. Lots of tears in his eyes. I’m quite perplexed. I was ready to bash this guy’s face in. Jump on his head for an hour. And he’s crying? What do I do now?

“I lost her! Waaaa!” This guy is a baby. I ask what he means and he says she was taken from him during the race. I’m thinking he’s trying to pull a fast one on me but then Toad approaches from behind me. He already completed the race and came back around. He’s got a gold trophy and confetti on his stupid mushroom head. He assures me that Wario is right. Princess was nowhere to be found. Her kart was abandoned halfway down the track but she was gone. I immediately suspect Bowser or the giant ape (which might be the older brother of father to the little hairy runt) but just then they both waltz onto the track with tears in their eyes. They say they saw her get kidnapped by someone and they don’t know who. It makes them sad it wasn’t them. Are these fools serious? I got all three of the main kidnappers standing right here, crying, and none of them know where she is? Mario is getting pissed! He’s about to unleash the full force of his Guido power! He’s gonna be going Super Mario on some bitches! Where is the Princess?!

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