Thursday, August 18, 2011

Diary Entry: 09 - Yoshi To The Rescue

Dear Diary,

I don’t know if you remember but last week I had gotten myself into some hot water. Well, you better remember seeing as how you’re my diary. Just turn back a page and read up. It’s not that hard dummy. Anyway - recap - I had helped Princess escape the race track but got myself stuck inside of it with all of Bowser’s goons. They immediately took me and Luigi and Toad captive. Threw us in this prison cell. Luigi and Toad apparently read you while I was asleep one night and got mad about some things I had been saying about them. They have refused to talk to me the past week. So, I’ve been pretty bored. I think you noticed I started a doodle page in the back of you. Some of the best doodling I’ve done in awhile.

It was strange because we never heard from or saw Bowser the whole time we were locked up and it seemed like his goons didn’t know where he was either. I think he ditched them. They seemed pretty pissed but were pretending they weren’t. Finally, one day that mysterious dinosaur came barging through one of the walls! On a mission to save us! Though it was just him outside of the bars, we couldn’t help him. And he was up against like 6 prison guards. Two of the prison guards were made up of only bones. Walking skeletons of turtles. The dinosaur just jumped on them and they crumbled to the ground. Easy enough. And then he ate the other 4! Straight up ate those fools! He immediately pooped out some spotted eggs after eating each one. I did not know anybody’s digestive system worked that fast.

The most amazing part, what his digestive system produces. At a glance, egg poops. But then, the dinosaur launched one of the eggs at the wall and it exploded on contact, busting the wall down! What?! Now, we got an escape route! We’re still stuck behind bars though. The dinosaur squints his eyes, strains real hard, and poops out the keys. Apparently, one of the guards he ate was holding them. He unlocks the door with the smelly keys and extends his hand to us while exclaiming, “Yoshi!” We later found out that was his name and he apparently can only say his name like a god damn Pokemon. We also found out that he was not aware of the custom of washing your hands, or not touching other people’s hands with your poop hands. Whatever, Yoshi is cool in my book. Which by the way, isn’t Yoshi a Japanese name? You got the Italian Mario brothers, a Japanese dinosaur, and Toad. I’m convinced Toad is German and we are a respawning of the Axis Powers.

But we are going to use our powers for good! We are going to find the Princess! I get to ride Yoshi out of the place and the other two are jealous but they’re at least talking to me again. Toad rode Luigi’s shoulders out and Luigi was super pissed about it since Toad only wears a diaper. Also, we did not have a toilet break the whole week we were locked up. So, some of us were carrying everything along with us. We’re sprinting out of this racetrack/castle/dungeon/toiletless shithole and then a ton of these turtles start coming at us! Two of them are the skeleton turtles Yoshi crushed beforehand. I guess they can rebuild themselves in a matter of seconds. We didn’t realize this. Yoshi jumped on their heads again, which at least was slowing them down. Then, he just starts eating more fools!

I love this dinosaur! Guy trying to hurt you, eat him. What a solution! Remember how I said some of the turtles were red shelled and I thought it meant they were spicy? Well, I was right. Yoshi ate one and then he started burping up fireballs. Which worked to our advantage because it burned up all the other guys in our way. We’re racing through on foot and burp-burning some mofos up! Then, we see some yellow turtles so he eats one of those. Apparently, those ones are fatty because they gave him thunder thighs. Every step he took was like listening to fat people fucking on an oil drum. Excuse the harsh simile. He quickly gobbled up a blue one we found to get rid of his fat thighs and then we realized the blues are the opposite of the yellows. They’re the diet turtles! He got so light from eating such a light turtle meal that he started floating in the air!

That’s right, we’re flying around! And this time I ain’t on drugs! Luigi tried eating one of the blue turtles and immediately threw up. He always had this thing about eating live animals, I just didn’t realize it was that bad. Anyway, he couldn’t keep it down so he got no powers. No problem, Yoshi swooped around, picked him and Toad up and carried us out of that miserable castle! Magnifico! Now, we just have to find Princess again. I’m sure she’s safe and sound where ever she is. Then, as we stop in a nearby town for some grub and drugs we stroll past the inn we’ll be staying at. We hear the innkeeper speaking with some other dumb mushroom head about some distressing news. He said a scary fat man with a moustache came into town and kidnapped a young, well-dressed, naive woman. Hm, odd. Those people sound familiar. Then, the dude looks at me and screams!

“It’s him! It’s him! It’s the man who stole that pretty lady!” I try to calm the guy down and tell him I’m just looking for a pretty lady. He goes on to tell me how I trashed the place and tried to threaten him. Then, he starts calling me Wario and I’m all like, what dude? No way. Name’s Mario. You done fucked up my name. Luigi cleverly asks what I was wearing when I came in, and the innkeeper said I was wearing a yellow shirt and purple pants. Ha! As if! I’d never wear that. Red and blue everyday, boyyyy. Then, we come to the realization. There’s some imposter out there, a Mario imposter. He’s going by the name Wario, and he’s committing crimes! Not only did he kidnap the Princess, but he’s ruining my reputation! Now, he done crossed the line! Homey gonna get fucked up when I see him! And yellow and purple? Come on who wears that? I know of a certain basketball team that wears those colors but whatever, they don’t know nothing about fashion. This just in Wario, you dress like a rookie and I’m gonna crush you like a cookie! Game over for your ass!

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