Thursday, August 11, 2011

Diary Entry: 08 - Mario Karting

Dear Diary,

At what point will we be off this formal “Dear Diary” bullshit? I’m sorry to use profanity but really what is it with this? I talk to you every week. Can’t I just say Hey Diary? Anyway, remember that Toad guy I was telling you about last week? Well, I still don’t know if he was the first Toad I saved or a different one but anyway he said he was going to take me to where the Princess really was. Thank the Lord because I don’t know how much longer of this searching around I can take.

So, I follow the little weird shaped guy to a race track. At first I’m like, “Fantastico, this guy’s placing a bet first, in the meantime who knows what’s happening with Princess Toadstool.” Then, he tells me that ugly turtle, Bowser, races here and he brings the Princess with him and forces her to race as well. I guess some of the tracks are heavily guarded by his trusting minions and people he has secrets about. That’s good thinking on his part. You find out a secret about someone and they owe you some favors! Maybe some awesome ones depending on the size of the secret. Anyway, he makes her race the track with him every other day. Kind of a weird request. It’s like when King Kong makes the pretty lady juggle for him so he can laugh. Maybe Bowser just wants to laugh at a woman trying to drive. As funny as that is, I still think the guy is a dick. He’s forcing my beautiful Princess to compete in these races, and these races can get dangerous! One of his smaller turtle minions even races with him and takes off his turtle shell and throws it on the track while they’re driving! Who does that?! Isn’t he afraid he’s gonna lose it? Nope, because he re-sprouts a new one like it’s some sort of god damn regenerating limb and is free to throw more.

But come on! A giant turtle shell spinning around on the track! If that slides under one of the cars and hits any of the undercarriage you are screwed! You gonna spend the coin on a new muffler or to fix a broken O2 valve? If that guy hit my car I’d make him pay for the damages. It probably be out of pocket too since he doesn’t look insured. Anyway, Toad has this monumental idea. We get in one of the races and he is going to distract Bowser while I save the Princess. Amazing! So, we get in on the next one. Toad and I are in the back. We’re behind a total of 6 people I believe. I can’t even see who is who. We’re in some sort of stupid castle again! The race starts, which is apparently officiated by one of those racist jerks that floats around in the clouds. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to have recognized me, so I am able to speed along with no problem. We quickly catch up to where the Princess is. Bowser is driving right next to her, staring at her all the while. Perv. I manage to scoop up a mushroom and Toad gets a red turtle shell. He throws it and the thing has a mind of it’s own! It directs itself right at Bowser and smashes into the back of his car! He does like ten flips in the air and I’m pretty sure he’s going to need some major external work done.

I put the mushroom in my own exhaust pipe and it’s like shrooms for my car! It gives it a huge speed boost and I rocket towards the Princess. It ain’t like the banana in the tailpipe. It’s like the opposite actually. Anyway, I speed up and roll up right next to Princess like a damn pimp. However, as Toad is approaching from behind, Bowser shows he’s still got some tricks left and throws a green shell right at Toad’s mushroom head and takes him off the track! Sucks for him but at least I’m still with the Princess. Then, the damn small turtle drops back from farther ahead and matches speed with me. He slowly starts closing in closer to me. I see him taking his shell off and aiming it at me. We come up on these ugly box like rock face guys and they hover up in the air over the track. They smash down in front of us blocking half the track and we all have to swerve out of the way! Getting in the way like fucking bicyclists! I’m sorry, I’ve been cursing a lot more recently. Anyway, I almost drive off into some lava which is apparently surrounding us. Yeah, that’s safe for a race track. But it makes the turtle swerve away from me and my car stays in tact for a minute longer. We round the corner, I get close to Princess again, but then so does this persistent stupid ass turtle. Ah! He’s so stupid looking, it annoys me! And then, luck has it, we start driving through a series of ramps!

The turtle matches speed with me as we go off one jump after another and I see he’s trying to time it so that he can knock me off my car as we’re up in the air. That jerk! He’s gonna send me sailing into the lava and kill me! I’m pretty sure that jerk in the cloud doesn’t have a fishing pole he’s willing to use to fish me out of the lava immediately, nor would he want to, so I would probably just burn up and die! And I don’t have any extra lives! He cocks back his arm and is ready to launch, when another car from ahead of us drops back and plants himself between us. It’s Luigi! Me brudda from a shared mudda! Here to save me! He said something awesome like, “Nobody hits my brother but me!” And then he punched the turtle right in the face! It sent the turtle off into the lava but as he got his world rocked he dropped the shell and it came down and conked Luigi on the head, sending him into the lava too! No! Luigi you can’t be dead!

Luckily, he wasn’t. That dude in the cloud actually did have a fishing pole and fished him out of the lava as he did with the turtle. I guess not all of them are racist against Italians. Maybe just the ones in the desert. I hear the ones in the desert are smelly assholes anyway so I don’t care. Racism. Lord! So, now I’m like in the clear! I’m next to my Princess and we are about halfway to the finish line. I’m going to guide her out the exit right by the finish line I tell her. Don’t worry about the guards. I have a present for them. I hold up a star like a badass after saying that. I think Luigi being all badass moments ago amped me up and now I want to say super awesome movie quotes and junk. All of a sudden, as we’re talking, I realize there’s a banana peel in the middle of the road! I drive right over it and it sends me spinning around and around. Who knew that would happen? I thought I’d just squish the thing. Didn’t realize they were so slippery and spinny. Princess is still driving and starts to slow down and I notice another car slow down and get right next to her. It’s that ape from New York! I can tell it’s the same monkey, he’s just wearing a gross wifebeater now and no pants, but it’s the same guy! He starts leaning over like he’s gonna grab her and take her away!

No! I’m so close to saving her. I kick it back into drive once I’m done spinning and gun it towards him. Just as he reaches over and puts his paw on her the last car slows down from the front of the pack. Doesn’t anyone race on these tracks or is everyone just trying to fuck with each other? Well, this one is being driven by someone I’ve never seen before. A mysterious green dinosaur. He not only slows down but he slams on his brakes! The monkey drives into the back of him and the two cars explode into a million pieces! Both drivers are sent flying through the air and Princess managed to let go of him just before the crash. She’s still driving towards the finish line and is getting really near it. I drive by the crash sight and am catching up to her! Thank you brave dinosaur! My plan is going to work again. Well, Toad’s plan but whatever. He’s not here to say it isn’t my plan. But as we approach the finish line the guards all come out with weapons galore. They see what we’re doing and aim their weapons at us with mad crazy scowls, yo!

She’s so much closer to them at this point and I won’t be able to catch up in time. She apparently can’t stop or slow down (women drivers) I’m pretty sure she can she just doesn’t know how to. So, I do the only thing I can think to do. I hurl the star forward towards her. She catches it, I scream “Use it! Get out of here! Don’t worry about me!” Smooth right? That’s gonna pay off later when I’m actually finally with her and she remembers how slick I can be. Anyway, she does so. The PCP Star turns her into a throbbing, flashing display of lights and colors and star dust is shooting all off of her. She barrels through the guards and escapes through the exit, finishing first! (Yeah right) I’m next to cross the finish line in about 5 seconds later but am not super pumped about the silver. I have some guards to answer to. The Princess escaped, but my near future is not looking too good...

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