Thursday, August 4, 2011

Diary Entry: 07 - The Damn Desert

Dear Diary,

I know I was slightly more sheltered having lived in Mushroom Kingdom my whole life, but I didn’t know it was so bad. After venturing out into the desert I realized there was a lot of stuff I didn’t know about. People say Brooklyn is weird, and it is what with all the Italians and how they sound and that they say it’s an Italian accent. No, stupid, that’s a New York accent. Ever listen to one of these people say water of coffee. They make a noise which has not yet been defined by the English alphabet. There is no combination of letters that represent the noise they make. It’s incredible. It’s like in all those Sci-Fi movies when the aliens make noises we can’t even fathom a human being able to make. And ever talk to someone from Long Island? Excuse me, Long Gisland. That’s right. They pronounce the G. And hard! Anyway, as weird as Brooklyn and the rest of New York is, you ain’t seen nothing til you spent a couple days out in this desert next to Mushroom Kingdom.

So, apparently when you have a raccoon tail and ears you can fly by flapping your tail. There’s certain leaves that when you touch them you morph into a half raccoon person. It must have some transmorphing or hallucinogenic properties. Either way, they’re the only leaves in the desert. So, any leaf you touch in this desert turns you into an ugly half man half animal that can’t fly, except you can fly. And it’s usually by accident. The first time I flew was when I saw a mirage of a big pepperoni pizza. My tail started wagging with joy and up I went, straight into a pipe. Got a big bump on my head. Didn’t even know I could fly! Thanks stupid leaf!

Oh guess what else. There’s these sneaky little devils that ride around in clouds and throw junk at you! They all look like Scooter from The Muppet Babies. And they throw these animals that I’m not quite sure what they are. They’re like baby stegosauruses or something. Whatever, it’s rude of the guys. I don’t even know them and they follow me all around the desert throwing stuff. They’re probably racist against Italians. I heard one of them call me the W word under his breath once I think. Racist.

Oh! There are flying muffins! And I did poop a pound of penne. Just like I guessed I would! Needed to clean my plumbers undies in the middle of the desert! Know how hard that is?! I killed that mofo solely for the inconvenience factor. Jackass!

Also, there’s a lot of cloud formations above the desert that you can apparently run on. I was running across a ton of them, cumulous maybe, and snagging all these coins! There was tons of them! I don’t know who left all their money up in the sky on top of these clouds. Zeus perhaps? Whatever I stole them all. I know a lot of people think I’m a good guy but whenever I come across coins on the ground or where ever I just take them. I don’t look around to see if they could belong to someone in the area. I just snag them and claim them as my own. I make more money doing that than anything else in my life. Anyway, this desert is trippy. It has me running on top of clouds as if they’re solid ground. So weird! And I run up there as often as possible because it keeps me away from all the ugly muffins and turtles and junk on the ground. And those little Scooters in their individual clouds. I think they can’t fly as high as the big cloud formations.

Anyway, here’s the worst part. I run through this whole entire desert, come across another castle similar to the last one. Fireballs and lava and crap like that. Go through the entire place and just as I’m about to leave I see another one of those Bowser guys! He keeps trying to kill me so instead I flip the script and kill him. Jerk. Trying to kill Mario?! So, after I straight murder that fool I check to see if he has my beloved Princess. Nope. Just another Toad. Another one of these guys got captured? Or is it the same one? I can’t tell if it’s one Toad who repeatedly gets captured or different ones. Either way, they look exactly the same and they told me the Princess is in a different castle. Son of a bitch! Now, I gotta go look for her somewhere else! And I got to take this Toad guy somewhere because he got kidnapped and brought all the way out into the middle of nowhere. Maybe he’ll be of use to me. Maybe he can help me out. Or maybe he’s just going to keep talking and talking in that annoying raspy high-pitched voice of his and irritate the crap out of me! My lord you ever hear one of these guys talk?! They keep going and going! And that voice! Ah! I kind of wish I never saved him. And now........I’m stuck with him!

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