Saturday, August 27, 2011

Crunkball: My New Sport


I’ve decided there is A LOT of money in sports. There’s lots of other areas for money to be made, but sports might take the cake. Think of all the things related to sports that make money, sporting goods, team clothes, team hats, “Kazaam”, any of Shaq’s hip hop albums. It’s a large cash-bovine with several sub...we’ll call them steaks. Sub steaks. Not a philly cheese steak.

Anyway, I want to make a lot of money. Obviously. I’m a human with a heart beat and my brain understands the concept of money. So, I want lots of it. Here’s my idea. Create my own sport! Yeah, jumping right to that. I know I could try to get in on the basketball market or football market, but they already exist. People have already grabbed those sports by the crotches and aren’t letting go. If I wanted I’m sure I could take hold of a pube or two, but I want the entire groin. Time to create my own sport and use it for groin-grabbing. Or money-making. Whichever you prefer to call it.

OK, name of the sport is Crunkball. Ball should be in the name so people are aware it is a sport with a ball. Like ping pong ball, tennis ball, bowling ball, the list goes on and on. This sport was originally named Steveball, after it’s creator, but the gracious and modest man decided it needed a more universal name. Crunkball was then born. 8 pounds 7 ounces. A baby ready to blossom into a hardcore fucking sport! Who wants to hear the rules?

Two teams of four. Your bench consists of four. The positions are, Shooter, Chugger, Thrower, Keeper. You would most likely have two of each of these. People alternate positions all the time. Coach is the DD. Each team has a goal, which is an oven. Each oven is plugged in and on. 450 degrees. With the door wide open. The Keeper is the person standing in front of it trying to keep the balls out of it. However, his ass probably gets wicked hot so it’s hard for him to stand right in front of it all the time. He has to drink glasses of wine the entire game. Every time it empties his glass is filled up. Now, the ball in this game is about the size of a tennis ball, but bright blue. With a yellow lightning bolt on it.


The Chugger must first chug an entire beer. The beer is of his choice but once he has picked one he must stick with it the entire game. Once he is done he takes the Crunkball and places it firmly between the Shooter’s butt cheeks. The players are all standing on some sort of base line, like in basketball, near their Keeper and oven. Once the Crunkball is in the Shooter’s butt cheeks he must walk out to the shooting line without dropping the ball. If he does the Chugger must pick it up and place it back in where it fell out. Once the Shooter is out to the shooting line...what do you think he does? That’s right! He takes a shot of his preferred alcohol. Once he completes that he throws the ball back to the base line to the Thrower. The Thrower also must be drinking glasses of wine all night just like the Keeper. He then is able to run up to any point of the court behind the shooting line and throw the ball into the opposing teams oven. He obviously wants to get it in for a point and the Keeper wants to keep it out. Thrower’s generally throw the ball quickly for efficiency as their team is not allowed to start chugging and shooting and throwing another ball until he has missed or made his throw. He can also take as long as he wants up to 30 seconds. 30 seconds is the throw clock.

Both teams do this at the same time so the Thrower is also allowed to act as a Blocker if he so wishes. But don’t forget about the 30 second throw clock. And there is a separate one for each team. It starts once the Thrower has caught the ball. So, how’s that sound? Like a damn good get drunk sport right? Now, it’s time for the merchandise.

Crunkball shirts and jerseys of your favorite players! We got hats too! Banners! Folders! Notebooks! Hell anything you can think of! Butt cheek spreaders to help you become a better Shooter. The Shooter needs great control over his butt cheeks. Some would speculate he has the hardest position. But it is also the most rewarding and the ones that are the favorites of the crowd most often. All the little kids want to grow up to keep things in between their butt cheeks and have lots of shots of alcohol. You should see how popular this game is in the churches with the altar boys. They love it. Though I hear the priests that organize these sometimes change the rules around slightly. Whatever, create any variation you like. It’s still my game. I created it. And I’m making the money off this. Anyone want to jump on this money mammal with me, let me know! I think I need some start up cash and walk around money. Who wants to be my financier?

Oh, I almost forgot the best part of the game! Just as the game is ready to begin the announcer says into the microphone, "Who's ready to get crunk?!" Then, everyone waits for him to yell "Go!" and then takes a shot. The players all have a shot ready to take for the game. The audience is allowed and encouraged to join in on the fun. Shots are available at concession stands. Prices start at eleven dollars per shot. Gotta start making my money somehow.

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