Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Cran-Raspberry. Cran-Strawberry. Cran-Cherry. Cran-Tangerine (which I think they should just call Crangerine). What’s going on Cranberry? You’re invading in on everyone! You’re like 1930’s Germany. Crowded in on everyone and turning them into what you want them to be. What’s up with that? Can’t you just leave everyone alone? Can’t you just be Cranberry? You’re a successful fruit. Your juices do well. Are you just trying to branch out and make many different types of juice? Trying to crush that market? I suppose I can respect that. But what’s next?

Cran-Pork? Cran-Steak? Cran-Chicken? If I find Cranberry has been invading my meats, I will be very upset. First off, none of that sounds any good. Yuck! And secondly, even if it were, just leave my meat alone. Fruits don’t deserve to be mingling with the meat. They can sit along side them on my plate but I don’t want them infused in my meat. The only thing that should be infused in my meat is beer.

If Cranberry makes the move to meat, Cranberry will think it can make the move to anything. He might start to move across the seas. Hit up Japan and force a Cran-Sushi. Though I could see Japan being cool with this and forming an alliance. Maybe Cranberry would look closer to home and travel to Italy and invent a Cran-Pasta. I also see Italy being like, “Fantastico, we make-a an alliance with you-a too.” Or what if Cranberry went back to traveling the seas and made his way over to the States and tried to force upon us a Cran-Burger? Or even Cran-Nuggets? That is not gonna fly with me. Once you invade my Wendy’s, you have invaded my right to be free.

I don’t want a fruit that thinks it’s OK to be dried forcing itself into my comfort foods. Dried? Really? You’re a fruit. Stay juicy and stay out of the sun. And don’t tell me you’re a Craisin. I’m not interested. If I leave a banana in the sun for too long I can’t call it a baisin and sell it to people. People will say, “Ew, that banana has gone terribly bad. Throw it away and get it out of my face, you sicko.”

I know some people still don’t see the danger. Mainly, people who don’t care what happens to the well-being of meat. The vegetarians. The vegans. These people obviously don’t care about food, otherwise they wouldn’t deprive themselves of the best kinds. So, we have to show them how scary it can be for them as well. Cran-Poetry-Clubs. Cran-Independent-Bands. Cran-Picket-Signs. Yeah, that doesn’t sound too good does it? See the danger now? They will start invading everything!

America, we need to team up with the super powers that have not yet been effected or lured into an alliance or targeted for hybridization. We got the U.K. We got Salmon. Maybe Switzerland? I don’t know if they’ll choose to be neutral on this one. Hopefully not. Maybe we can use them as a decoy. Let the Cranberries try to invade them. Little do they know there will be holes in that plan. We will make Swiss Cranberries out of them!

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