Monday, August 22, 2011

Cameron Diaz Auditioning For "The Dark Knight Rises"


INT. CASTING ROOM - AFTERNOON

Three CASTING DIRECTORS sit behind a table each with a script. Standing in front of them is CAMERON DIAZ with a script. They have a camera pointed right at her.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
OK, you’re going to be reading with Tom here. He’s going to be reading Christian Bale’s parts. You got the scene for today?

CAMERON DIAZ
Yeah, right here.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
OK, whenever you’re ready.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scared)
I can’t believe you didn’t think I would find out.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I honestly didn’t care if you did.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scared)
I’m hurt.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I don’t care if you’re hurt.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scared)
Shouldn’t you care if I’m hurt?

The Casting Directors all look at each other.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
I’m sorry let me stop you for a moment. I don’t know if there’s a typo on your script or something. Does it say to read the lines scary or not?

CAMERON DIAZ
It does but I assumed it must have been a typo. I thought it was supposed to say scared.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
No, it’s supposed to say scary.

CAMERON DIAZ
Oh. Really?

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
Yeah, let’s start over. This time actually read them scary.

CAMERON DIAZ
OK, sorry about that.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
No problem. Whenever you’re ready.

She collects herself and starts over.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scary)
I can’t believe you didn’t think I would find out.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I honestly didn’t care if you did.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scary)
I’m hurt.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I don’t care if you’re hurt.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scary)
Shouldn’t you care if-
(breaking character)
I’m sorry. I have to stop for a minute. This doesn’t make much sense to me.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
What doesn’t?

CAMERON DIAZ
Well, why am I being scary? I just found out that Batman is out to kill The Joker. And I mean, that’s not something he needs to do. He’s being overly violent. And he’s being scary. Shouldn’t I be scared?

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
No, I disagree. You should be scary too. It’s in your nature.

CAMERON DIAZ
No offense, but if that’s the case, I don’t think a good job was done making Rachel seem scary in the other two movies.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
Rachel?

CAMERON DIAZ
Yeah, formerly played by Katie Holmes and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
No, no, no, no. You have it all wrong. We didn’t want you to audition for Rachel.

CAMERON DIAZ
Oh, who am I auditioning for then?

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
The Joker.


CAMERON DIAZ
The Joker?!

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
Yeah, we thought your agent said you were preparing for this for awhile. He said that must have been why you were letting yourself go. In preparation for the role of The Joker.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
Yeah, I mean look at you. You look like The Joker. You’re make-up’s done up in a way where you look just like him.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
And even without the make-up you still look horrid.

CAMERON DIAZ
Excuse me?

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
We assumed you were done making movies as the pretty girl and were trying to transform your career. That’s why your face had just transformed to...this.

CAMERON DIAZ
You think I wanted to play The Joker?! I can’t believe this!

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
So you’re not going to?

CAMERON DIAZ
No, this is an insult to me! Of course I’m not.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
Let me just ask you what was the last good movie you made?

She thinks for a moment. The room is silent.

CAMERON DIAZ
OK, I’ll do it. So, I’m going to need lots of crazy make-up to pull it off.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
Not really.

CAMERON DIAZ
I’m having a talk with my agent!

She storms out of the room.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
I told you she was a sell out.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
Well, now that she’s not pretty anymore she kind of has to be.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
Did you know that there’s people out there that still think she’s hot?

The other two Casting Directors both shoot looks at him as he mentions this.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I mean, I’m not one of them! God no!

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