Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Icky Bugs


I want to send a message to all the bugs in the world. I have nothing against you all and I do not want to kill any of you. But if I see you in my house and you look like you could hurt me, or are just plain icky, I am going to kill you. Here’s why, I’m sure you have no intentions to hurt me but what if I’m while I’m walking around I bump you or scare you and that prompts you to bite me? I’m going to be pissed I didn’t kill you when I had the chance. What if you get in my bed and I roll over onto you and you bite me? I once again, will be pissed I didn’t kill you when I saw you in the bathroom.

I’m not taking any chances. Some of you could really injure me or kill me with a bite. Some of you give me a large red ugly thing that I don’t like. That’s also a bummer. Not as intense as dying, but I’d prefer to not have one. So, if I see you crawling around on the wall or the floor, you’re dead bug meat. Which I hear is a great source of protein. Confusing seeing as how you all are so small.

Here’s a good way to not get killed by me. Don’t come in my house! Stay outside! That’s your home anyway. No one invited you to come in here. And are you paying rent here? Doesn’t seem like it. I don’t know what right you think you have staying in my place when you don’t pay a dime. And you’re a threat! If you’re going to be threatening at least lighten my financial load a bit.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Football Job


Have you ever thought what it would be like to be a professional football player? All the money and amazingness aside. There are some weird negative aspects to the job. Imagine now, this is your job. You play football for a living. I don’t care if you represent Nike or Adidas or Under Armour or whatever. I say Under Armour because they have the best, most intense commercials. That’s probably the best pick. But we’re not worrying about that. I want to compare this job to regular jobs that I’ve had.

Having worked at a few grocery stores, a restaurant, and now an office, I’ve probably only had like 6 days I could describe as “losing days”. In 10 years of working I’ve had 6 days where I “lost”, things such as terrible fails, complete fuck-ups. One of my first days at a grocery store I was bagging a lady’s groceries and accidentally put the bread on the bottom. It got completely squished. She was pissed and yelled a lot at me. My manager had to talk to me. Then, I got a 10 minute lecture on why bread should not be underneath other things and the properties of bread and why it squishes and does not support weight. No shit Mr. Soucy I wasn’t thinking and fucked up. Also, I was 14. Give me a break. That day was a loss. Another time when I was working at a restaurant, I got so busy one table’s food took about 25 minutes to come out...after they had already ordered it. There was nothing that took incredibly long to make, I just didn’t put the order in right away. They tipped me nothing and absolutely hated me. I think the father even called me a queer under his breath which doesn’t make any sense. I was forgetful, not fruitful. That day was a loss as well.

And there’s been other examples, but not too many. But those days are awful, I felt terrible about those experiences. And I reiterate, about 6 in 10 years. And they still stay with me with vivid detail. Imagine being a quarterback for a professional football team. You could be an amazing team, make the playoffs with a 12-4 record, however you would still have those 4 losses. In that one year! This is not even including other years/seasons. You had 4 days in that year of work where you felt like you completely lost. You squished the lady’s bread. You took too long with the homophobe’s chicken. You done fucked up! And you did each one again! Furthermore, you only had 12 days of work this year in which you left feeling a sense of accomplishment. And you’re good at your job!

Monday, August 29, 2011

Horse Racing


Everyone was super pumped because they found out yesterday that Beyonce is pregnant. Want to know what’s even cooler? My wallet got pregnant yesterday, with cash! The thing’s busting at the fake leather seams! I went to my first ever horse race, so naturally some betting took place. There was 5 races we actually watched. I bet on four of them. The first one I bet on right after we had arrived. Didn’t know what I was doing. Picked two different horses to win, neither had any luck. But as we were sitting down waiting for that race to start and old, wise gentleman sitting behind me asked if I wanted his newspaper. It was what he was using to place his bets. He said he was leaving after this next race. So, I said “Sure” thanked him, and grabbed it.

I thought at the time it must have just been the glare from the sun or something, because the newspaper seemed to light up when I grabbed it. I now know, or assume, it actually glowed a little when he handed it over to me. He told me it was a lucky newspaper. Doesn’t this sound like something out of a movie so far? Wise older man hands lucky object to kid just before disappearing. Oh man, what types of powers does this newspaper have? It felt like it was sort of throbbing in my hand but again I thought nothing of it at the time. Just the usual newspaper activity, right? Now, I think about it and say, “Hey wait a minute. Newspapers don’t throb. They ain’t hearts.” I should have known at the time.

Well, my first bet had already been placed without the newspaper. So, I lost. I suppose I didn’t know how to use the newspaper at that time. I thought, just holding it should bring me luck. Went back to the money-grabbers and placed a bet on the next race. No luck. So, I didn’t bet the next race and decided instead to inspect the newspaper. Turns out there are “experts” that give their opinions on horses and how they race and what not. They even pick winners for the races. I was flipping through pretty fast looking for a sign. Like big bold words that said, “PICK THIS HORSE”. As I was turning one page my buddy Chad Porter said, “Whoa! Go back to that last page. Did you see that guy’s moustache?” So I flip back. Lo and behold, a mega moustache sitting in between this man’s mouth and nose, glorious as a god. I was in awe of this hairy face ornament. I noticed, he looked a lot like Mario. Mario is one of my heroes. Then, I noticed his name was Steve Klein. My name’s Steve. This guy has two great parts about him. I want to see what he has to say.

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Farts Compared To Sex


REALLY GROSS THINGS TO HEAR AFTER A FART

- Wow, I’m so wet.

- That feels warm.

- There’s plenty more where that came from.

GOOD THINGS TO HEAR DURING SEX

- Wow, I’m so wet.

- That feels warm.

- There’s plenty more where that came from.

Although, if you say that last one during sex you probably are a tool. But if you said that like early to mid 90’s I bet you’d be cool. And your partner would think that’s nice to hear. Nowadays I think the ladies would frown at that.

But did you see how things to say after a fart have completely different connotations when you say them during sex? I’m sure you weren’t thinking it would have resulted otherwise. But did you ever think of the similarities between farts and sex?

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Crunkball: My New Sport


I’ve decided there is A LOT of money in sports. There’s lots of other areas for money to be made, but sports might take the cake. Think of all the things related to sports that make money, sporting goods, team clothes, team hats, “Kazaam”, any of Shaq’s hip hop albums. It’s a large cash-bovine with several sub...we’ll call them steaks. Sub steaks. Not a philly cheese steak.

Anyway, I want to make a lot of money. Obviously. I’m a human with a heart beat and my brain understands the concept of money. So, I want lots of it. Here’s my idea. Create my own sport! Yeah, jumping right to that. I know I could try to get in on the basketball market or football market, but they already exist. People have already grabbed those sports by the crotches and aren’t letting go. If I wanted I’m sure I could take hold of a pube or two, but I want the entire groin. Time to create my own sport and use it for groin-grabbing. Or money-making. Whichever you prefer to call it.

OK, name of the sport is Crunkball. Ball should be in the name so people are aware it is a sport with a ball. Like ping pong ball, tennis ball, bowling ball, the list goes on and on. This sport was originally named Steveball, after it’s creator, but the gracious and modest man decided it needed a more universal name. Crunkball was then born. 8 pounds 7 ounces. A baby ready to blossom into a hardcore fucking sport! Who wants to hear the rules?

Two teams of four. Your bench consists of four. The positions are, Shooter, Chugger, Thrower, Keeper. You would most likely have two of each of these. People alternate positions all the time. Coach is the DD. Each team has a goal, which is an oven. Each oven is plugged in and on. 450 degrees. With the door wide open. The Keeper is the person standing in front of it trying to keep the balls out of it. However, his ass probably gets wicked hot so it’s hard for him to stand right in front of it all the time. He has to drink glasses of wine the entire game. Every time it empties his glass is filled up. Now, the ball in this game is about the size of a tennis ball, but bright blue. With a yellow lightning bolt on it.


Friday, August 26, 2011

You Gotta Work For It


Do these people who lose weight by letting a machine vibrate like crazy around their waist really feel good about their weight loss? I don’t see how they do. You know what I mean? There’s all these “easy” ways to lose weight out there. All the corny ass commercials. Strap this shit to your waist and it vibrates at two hundred miles per hour around your stomach and you can sit down and eat a candy bar and watch “The View”. Don’t worry about doing any work. That’s not necessary. They got all these other “easy” weight loss solutions because people don’t want to have to work for their weight loss.

But that’s how you lose weight! And how are you supposed to get any satisfaction out of the easy way, fatty? That’s like strapping a fitness instructor to your midsection and letting him work out a ton until you lose weight. You can’t feel good about that! Sure afterwards you’re thin but you know you didn’t work for it. If someone asks how you lost forty pounds, wouldn’t you rather be able to respond with, “Yeah, I actually got up off my fat ass for once and ran around the block.” Nope, your response is, “I used that thing similar to what they think killed Bruce Lee and I’m just hoping it burns fat without burning me. If that didn’t work I was just going to save up more money and get it sucked out of me with a vacuum.”

Here’s the thing. You’re skinnier now but it’s still very apparent you’re lazy. Being fat is a clear sign you’re fat. Being on one of those commercials for the stomach shaker thing is just more proof you’re lazy. Don’t you want to prove to people you’re not lazy? Wouldn’t that spell out satisfaction for you? Or are you still watching “The View”? Maybe during a commercial, you say? So, you’ll work out for 4 minutes. That’s good. Then eat a Snickers afterwards for nourishment? Oh right, right. I forgot the nuts in it count as protein. Good after work out choice. Though I’m sure your four minute work out consisted of you walking to the cupboard, grabbing the Snickers bar, and then attempting to open the packaging for awhile. I know, I know. Sometimes those wrappers can be a bitch to open. First off, you don’t know which way to tear it. Do I pull the sides out like it’s a bag of potato chips or do I tear down the side? Well, once you’ve made the wrong decision it’s clear which way is the right way, however now the packaging is fucked up from you pulling the wrong way. Now, you can’t even open it that way!

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Diary Entry: 10 - Wario's Stadium


Dear Diary,

As you remember we found out that some fat turd named Wario had kidnapped my Princess. First Bowser, now this Mario imposter! Another guy I got to chase down. And I think this guy is posing as an Italian. He’s obviously not. No self-respecting Italian in this day and age would wear purple pants and a yellow shirt. We got more style than that. And his moustache? Yuck! Comb that thing once in awhile. Yeah, I know what he looks like. We checked out the security tapes from the Mushroom Kingdom Inn. So me, Luigi, Toad and Yoshi all got super duper high off these mushrooms we found on the outskirts of town.

Oh boy, we were tripping. Again it happened, where I grew like twice my size. Luigi did too. Yoshi grew wings. Nothing happened to stupid little Toad. I think his open blue vest got lamer. I know for a fact his voice got more annoying. Anyway, we found out Wario took the Princess to this race track and was making her race go-karts with him. Just like Bowser! What is it with these guys? They can’t find a lady to ride with? They got to kidnap one just to get a female to hang with them. I guess there aren’t too many women in these parts. There’s so few many people have questioned whether Toad was a girl or not. Also, one of the more attractive women around town is a pink dinosaur named Birdo. Not a bird. Weird fucking name.

We sneak in on one of these races. We got plans to derail this Wario guy. The gang is going to get Princess to safety while I beat his ass with a turtle shell for giving me a bad rep. The race starts and we stay close, trying to sneak up on him. He’s at the front of the pack. I don’t know if it was because we were so high or what but we came across a tiny ape driving one car (just like that huge smelly ape we saw before) and an evil Luigi guy. Luigi starts freaking out and starts punching himself in the face. He cannot handle his shrooms. I remember one time he thought his hands were melting. He went and stuck them in the fridge and stayed there all night.

Anyway, this guy starts throwing bombs at us! That’s right, bombs! We don’t even know him and he’s trying to kill us. He brought weapons with him, and no one checked him at the gate! What the fuck kinda place is this? We’re evading explosions left and right. Luigi is farthest ahead since he’s the best driver. He finally gets his shit together and snaps out of it. He drives straight at the evil him and forces him right off the road! We’re on some dirt track so they crash into the wall off on the side. Well, that guy is out of the way. But now this little monkey guy is throwing banana peels at us. Normally, you’d think nothing of this. But these banana peels are super slippery. Remember the banana in the tailpipe trick in “Beverly Hills Cop”? Well, there’s more you can do with a banana to mess up a car.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Food Inventions


I’ve been coming up with some food inventions lately. Sometimes when we are eating our food we need things to be easier. Eating should be an enjoyable experience. We want to do as little work as possible. Here are some of my inventions I think will help out humanity in it’s lazy affairs.

BANANARANG

A banana boomerang. Ever been eating a banana, maybe you’ve taken one bite out of it, and now fruit flies are coming for it? As soon as you’ve taken a bite they want some of that banana too. Now, you got to spend all your time waving the flies off while you’re trying to enjoy this damn thing. Wrong! Not with the bananarang. Take a bite, and while you’re chewing, throw that thing in the air! It will swing around and come back just like a boomerang, giving you time to chew and swallow, and keeping the flies away from your mid day snack!

GRENADE CHIP COOKIE

You know when you bake cookies and start munching on one, and then all the beggars want to eat the rest of the batch? Terrible. Now, you got to fend off the hungry hippos as you try to enjoy your cookie. It ruins the entire experience. And half the time, your cookies get eaten anyway. Now, with grenade chip cookies you got cookie-defense! Simply pick the grenade chips out of your cookie while you eat it and throw it in front of the beggars. A small explosion will scare them off from trying to eat your cookies.

POTATO CHICKEN

This is for the meat and potatoes kind of guy. Love meat and potatoes? Hate that they are two separate things? Of course you do. What if, as chickens were raised, potatoes were glued to their feathers? The flavor of potato sets in to their meat. They marinate in it for life. Then, when you are ready to eat the thing, throw the entire thing in the pot. Meat and potatoes in one bite. Perfection!

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

See How It All Comes Full Circle?


CHEESECURL

A delicious snack you can’t resist. Very orange in color. In fact, three or four of these tasty treats and the evidence is spelled out all over your hands. If you’re going to be denying having eaten cheesecurls, better bring some wet wipes.

CURLBAR

This is what I call the bar at the gym that’s very heavy and you curl up to your chest. My gym vocabulary is not so extensive. I also know of the Run-In-Place-Machine and the Row-In-Your-Own-Sweat-River-Machine. Anyway, this thing may as well be called the curlbar. That’s what you do with it. Good for the biceps, but watch out, it may add words like “bro” and “hella swoll” into your vocab. And you don’t want that.

BARCRAWL

This does not require you to crawl, walking is allowed. However, after hitting up bar number 7 in one night, you might not be able to help but to crawl to bars 8, 9, and 10. Barcrawls are best for the weekend. No one should attempt on a school night.

CRAWLSPACE

This is a basement for people who do not exceed four feet in height. Or for people who don’t mind crouching down and walking around like a damn fool every time they need something from their basement. Tip: do not put some of your favorite seasonal items in the back of a crawlspace. You will never see them ever again and that season will be ruined for you.

SPACESHIP

A luxury vehicle with no wheels. It can do 0-60 in about five minutes. However, it can do 60 to a bathousand in about two seconds, so the latter is more impressive. These are only to be driven in the sky and in outer space. No freeway driving. No backroads. Terrible gas mileage.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Cameron Diaz Auditioning For "The Dark Knight Rises"


INT. CASTING ROOM - AFTERNOON

Three CASTING DIRECTORS sit behind a table each with a script. Standing in front of them is CAMERON DIAZ with a script. They have a camera pointed right at her.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
OK, you’re going to be reading with Tom here. He’s going to be reading Christian Bale’s parts. You got the scene for today?

CAMERON DIAZ
Yeah, right here.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
OK, whenever you’re ready.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scared)
I can’t believe you didn’t think I would find out.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I honestly didn’t care if you did.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scared)
I’m hurt.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I don’t care if you’re hurt.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scared)
Shouldn’t you care if I’m hurt?

The Casting Directors all look at each other.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
I’m sorry let me stop you for a moment. I don’t know if there’s a typo on your script or something. Does it say to read the lines scary or not?

CAMERON DIAZ
It does but I assumed it must have been a typo. I thought it was supposed to say scared.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
No, it’s supposed to say scary.

CAMERON DIAZ
Oh. Really?

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
Yeah, let’s start over. This time actually read them scary.

CAMERON DIAZ
OK, sorry about that.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
No problem. Whenever you’re ready.

She collects herself and starts over.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scary)
I can’t believe you didn’t think I would find out.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I honestly didn’t care if you did.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scary)
I’m hurt.

CASTING DIRECTOR #2
I don’t care if you’re hurt.

CAMERON DIAZ
(scary)
Shouldn’t you care if-
(breaking character)
I’m sorry. I have to stop for a minute. This doesn’t make much sense to me.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
What doesn’t?

CAMERON DIAZ
Well, why am I being scary? I just found out that Batman is out to kill The Joker. And I mean, that’s not something he needs to do. He’s being overly violent. And he’s being scary. Shouldn’t I be scared?

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
No, I disagree. You should be scary too. It’s in your nature.

CAMERON DIAZ
No offense, but if that’s the case, I don’t think a good job was done making Rachel seem scary in the other two movies.

CASTING DIRECTOR #1
Rachel?

CAMERON DIAZ
Yeah, formerly played by Katie Holmes and Maggie Gyllenhaal.

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
No, no, no, no. You have it all wrong. We didn’t want you to audition for Rachel.

CAMERON DIAZ
Oh, who am I auditioning for then?

CASTING DIRECTOR #3
The Joker.


Sunday, August 21, 2011

If Older Movies Were Made Today



If “Back To The Future” Were Made Today...

When they decided they wanted to make the time machine with some style they would have chosen the Prius. The big problem is once you hit 88 miles per hour, you’re time machine is going to get stuck at that speed. Better hope you didn’t travel to a time period where 911 was not available to call.

If “Men In Black” Were Made Today...

They would have cast Michael Shannon as the bug. He wouldn’t have needed to steal a man’s skin on earth. He wouldn’t have needed make-up. (Most recent picture of Michael Shannon above)

If “Face-Off” Were Made Today...

Nicholas Cage would have to learn about Scientology and John Travolta would have to learn about bankruptcy. Both would be excited as they have not made a decent movie in years.

If “Coming To America” Were Made Today...

Instead of Arsenio Hall to play four characters alongside Eddie Murphy it would be Tyler Perry. However, now three of the four characters played by Tyler Perry are dressed as women instead of just the one. Now, the movie is called “Tyler Perry’s Coming To America”. Also, every white character in the movie is gay and/or super racist and now the whole movie just sucks!

If “Heat” Were Made Today...

It would have the same cast it would just end up being more like “Righteous Kill” a.k.a. “Heat 2: Older And Almost As Deadly”.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Sitcoms Lie To You


There’s a lot of horse shit that happens in the land of TV. Especially in sitcoms I think. Think about all the times you watched something on TV and have had that, “Wait a minute moment” because something isn’t right. It could be anything. Something physical. Something about the history of the characters. Perhaps something about the timeline of events. Let’s explore a few things here.

“Roseanne”. Sure, the show was funny. But she was fat. And so was John Goodman (Dan). How come none of their kids were fat? The equation, I believe, goes a little something like, Fat + Fat = Fat or Fat + Fat = Super Fat. However, all of their kids were skinny. This doesn’t make sense. Anybody remember Punnett Squares in Biology class? Yeah, make one up for the kids in Roseanne based on their parents. They should just be born as little wads of fat probably. I assume the real kids those two would produce would look like little scallops upon birth. Kind of like this...

Gross, but a more true depiction. I think it is anyway. At least they were born with eyes and stick figure arms. I was afraid their bodies would be too fat to even develop those. They might not be quite so golden brown, but would still look just like a scallop due to their "I'm a wad of fat" nature. Serve them up on a plate and sell them overpriced! Roseanne’s kids with a twist of lemon and a hint of basil.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Paul Walker Acting Academy


At the Paul Walker Acting Academy we show you the basics of acting via Paul Walker’s amazing skills. The most important part of acting is facial expressions. You could have absolutely no lines in a scene but you still need to portray an emotion. Having the right facial expression can make a scene all the better. Don’t worry about delivering lines. Not important! Think face. Face face face face. Keep it expressive. Let’s go over the basics.

HAPPY

See how happy he looks here? This is a perfect example of Paul Walker emoting joy. Look at the bright yellow background. So bright and joyous, yellow just screams happy excitement!

SAD

Awww, why so sad Paul? Those pale blue eyes don’t look like they have nothing going on behind them. They look like they have sad thoughts. Holding back the tears. The blue background really makes me feel sullen too. It’s a calming yet sort of depressing color. Sad face. Nailed it!

ANGRY

Whoa! What did I do? Why you mean muggin? Why you grillin me? Are you angry at me because I murdered your entire family? That’s what it seems like. This red background is really bringing out your raw anger. At this point if you have not noticed, it is actually not too important what face you make. Really it’s just your surroundings. The right background color will help bring out the right emotion. Music has the same effect. Work on your face, but don’t worry too much. The people on set and behind the scenes will do a great job making you angry, sad, happy, what have you.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Diary Entry: 09 - Yoshi To The Rescue


Dear Diary,

I don’t know if you remember but last week I had gotten myself into some hot water. Well, you better remember seeing as how you’re my diary. Just turn back a page and read up. It’s not that hard dummy. Anyway - recap - I had helped Princess escape the race track but got myself stuck inside of it with all of Bowser’s goons. They immediately took me and Luigi and Toad captive. Threw us in this prison cell. Luigi and Toad apparently read you while I was asleep one night and got mad about some things I had been saying about them. They have refused to talk to me the past week. So, I’ve been pretty bored. I think you noticed I started a doodle page in the back of you. Some of the best doodling I’ve done in awhile.

It was strange because we never heard from or saw Bowser the whole time we were locked up and it seemed like his goons didn’t know where he was either. I think he ditched them. They seemed pretty pissed but were pretending they weren’t. Finally, one day that mysterious dinosaur came barging through one of the walls! On a mission to save us! Though it was just him outside of the bars, we couldn’t help him. And he was up against like 6 prison guards. Two of the prison guards were made up of only bones. Walking skeletons of turtles. The dinosaur just jumped on them and they crumbled to the ground. Easy enough. And then he ate the other 4! Straight up ate those fools! He immediately pooped out some spotted eggs after eating each one. I did not know anybody’s digestive system worked that fast.

The most amazing part, what his digestive system produces. At a glance, egg poops. But then, the dinosaur launched one of the eggs at the wall and it exploded on contact, busting the wall down! What?! Now, we got an escape route! We’re still stuck behind bars though. The dinosaur squints his eyes, strains real hard, and poops out the keys. Apparently, one of the guards he ate was holding them. He unlocks the door with the smelly keys and extends his hand to us while exclaiming, “Yoshi!” We later found out that was his name and he apparently can only say his name like a god damn Pokemon. We also found out that he was not aware of the custom of washing your hands, or not touching other people’s hands with your poop hands. Whatever, Yoshi is cool in my book. Which by the way, isn’t Yoshi a Japanese name? You got the Italian Mario brothers, a Japanese dinosaur, and Toad. I’m convinced Toad is German and we are a respawning of the Axis Powers.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Forts


I’m sliding the coffee table over towards the couch. I’m propping some pillows up on top of the table and the couch. I’m draping blankets from the table to the couch. I’m making a god damn fort is what I’m doing! There will be an awesome little alleyway for me to crawl through when I want to hide from bad guys. I will reside in there and be protected from pillow bombs. The blankets are good defense against pillows bombs. They soften the blow and often times shield the blow completely. Sometimes the blankets act as a trampoline, sending the pillow bombs back where they came from.

I’m hoping those pillow bombs will be launched back at the opposing fort on the other side of the room, breaking down their fort little by little. If not I am throwing my own pillow bombs. We both have our own artillery of pillow bombs because when we decided to play “Forts” we thought it would be fair to divide the pillow bombs up evenly. I used some to create my fort but it’s OK because I still have some to throw. Also, we decided we were allowed to crumple up pieces of paper and use those as little bombs.

We each have a dart gun. The dart guns take the same darts so that when we shoot them at each other we can reload our guns with our opponents bullets. I’m pretty sure that’s how it works in real life with real guns in real wars. In fair wars anyway. My dart gun has a scope. All I can see through it is your dinosaur sheets. The ones you peed on awhile back. We washed them but the stain didn’t fully come out. Probably because you were drinking lots of soda that night and your pee was real dark. Now, it looks like half the dinosaurs on your bed sheets are trapped in a tar pit. Who’s pee gets that dark anyway?

I have some of my stuffed animals in my fort with me. You have some of yours. I have made helmets for mine out of tinfoil. They are soldiers. You insisted on using saran wrap for your helmets. It got real messy and your helmets look real stupid. Also, I’m pretty sure your soldiers are more at risk of suffocating. Saran wrap doesn’t make good helmets. Tinfoil does. It also helps keep the aliens and the government out of our brains.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Cranberry


Cran-Raspberry. Cran-Strawberry. Cran-Cherry. Cran-Tangerine (which I think they should just call Crangerine). What’s going on Cranberry? You’re invading in on everyone! You’re like 1930’s Germany. Crowded in on everyone and turning them into what you want them to be. What’s up with that? Can’t you just leave everyone alone? Can’t you just be Cranberry? You’re a successful fruit. Your juices do well. Are you just trying to branch out and make many different types of juice? Trying to crush that market? I suppose I can respect that. But what’s next?

Cran-Pork? Cran-Steak? Cran-Chicken? If I find Cranberry has been invading my meats, I will be very upset. First off, none of that sounds any good. Yuck! And secondly, even if it were, just leave my meat alone. Fruits don’t deserve to be mingling with the meat. They can sit along side them on my plate but I don’t want them infused in my meat. The only thing that should be infused in my meat is beer.

If Cranberry makes the move to meat, Cranberry will think it can make the move to anything. He might start to move across the seas. Hit up Japan and force a Cran-Sushi. Though I could see Japan being cool with this and forming an alliance. Maybe Cranberry would look closer to home and travel to Italy and invent a Cran-Pasta. I also see Italy being like, “Fantastico, we make-a an alliance with you-a too.” Or what if Cranberry went back to traveling the seas and made his way over to the States and tried to force upon us a Cran-Burger? Or even Cran-Nuggets? That is not gonna fly with me. Once you invade my Wendy’s, you have invaded my right to be free.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Terrible Phrases


YOU KNOW HOW WE DO

No, actually I don’t know how you do. You or the rest of this mysterious “we” you speak of. Am I supposed to assume that because you and your “we” did something that this is the type of thing you always do? Is that how you’re using this phrase? Because that’s quite conceited of you. Like everyone should know what you do at every time of every day because you’re the shit. I’ll probably never know how you do unless I ask, “How do you do?” And I’m not asking that question any time soon. Because I don’t care.

IT IS WHAT IT IS

Cool. I’m glad you said that. Because after you said that I knew just as much as I knew before you said that. I learned nothing from you saying that. That’s the same as you saying absolutely nothing. You might as well have said nothing, because that phrase is absolutely pointless. It is what it is? Yup. And monkeys are monkeys and napkins are napkins. Thanks for all the info. Glad you decided to give me advice today. Ass.

END OF STORY

You don’t need to say this. When your story has reached it’s end I’ll know. Because you’ll have presumably stopped talking. Also, if you’re at least a decent story-teller you’re story will build up to the ending and then be quite clear that it has ended once you have provided me with a conclusion. This phrase is as dumb as when people say “Period.” As in “I’m not Joey’s friend anymore. Period.” There’s a period at the end of the first sentence. The word “period” is not even needed. In fact, then you add the word “period” and a period after “period” and now you have three periods. That’s called an ellipsis. Which is actually something used to show that there is more to come as opposed to the end of something. So, now you have fucked up and given the exact opposite impression. Way to go.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

The Top 10 Worst Things To Say About Your Friend's Ugly Baby


Your friend is unaware that he/she has an ugly baby. You are quite aware, but not telling him/her. These are the top 10 things you could say that would blow your cover.

Starting with...

10 - Does it have to be around when I’m eating?

9 - How different do you think it will look when it grows up?

8 - Did this thing need more time in the oven? Maybe it came out too soon.

7 - So, are you hoping it’s like a genius or something?

6 - (For a baby girl) How young is too young for make up?

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Do Robots Sneeze?


I am a human. So, of course I have sneezed. But I recently sneezed, and it was such a big and powerful one, that it shook my whole body. You know the type? Where it rocks your entire body, you shake from head to toe. It screwed up my whole operating system for a minute. I was standing there trying to regain my sense of balance. Well, that was I thought at first. Maybe it wasn’t my operating system. Maybe it was my nervous system. Yeah, that must have been what I meant, since I am a human and not a robot. I don’t have an operating system. But then I started thinking, do robots sneeze?

That might seem like a silly question at first but if you analyze what a sneeze is, it’s really not. It’s a sudden spasmodic expiration of breath, usually loud, and usually as a reaction to something that has entered our body. And that’s science bitch! So, when something unexpected enters our airways and our body doesn’t like it, we sneeze. OK, glad we have that so that gross shit doesn’t get stuck inside us, but that’s not something our body is supposed to be doing. It’s something it’s set up to do in case intruders enter. It’s like an automatic weapons response to someone entering grounds they are not welcome on. You are prepared for it, your body is set up that way, but there’s no gain to a sneeze. No one’s body wants to sneeze for any reason. Now, think of robots and computers (which I will use interchangeably as if they are the same exact thing whether you like it or not). Do they do anything as a reaction response? Anything that is of no gain to you while using the computer. How about when viruses get inside of it and it acts all glitchy and freaks out and shuts down so that the virus cannot harm it. That’s a computer sneeze. And as I’ve decided it’s also known as...a robot sneeze.

What about other things the body does? Do computers do other things we do too? How about a hiccup? Hiccups, I have no idea why those things happen. Too much air trapped somewhere? No enough air? Something weird with air I’m guessing. What about when you give your computer too many commands all at once and it freezes and goes real slow for a couple seconds? Robot hiccup! How do you get rid of your computer’s hiccups? Tell it to hold it’s breath for 30 seconds. Hibernation mode. Maybe make it drink a glass of water real fast. There is no comparison for that one. Just don’t do it.

Friday, August 12, 2011

My Movie Trailer Idea - "The Intense"


As I’ve mentioned before, I’m very interested in writing. Obviously, I have a blog. But I also love writing screenplays. It’s a tough business I know, but someday if something I wrote ended up becoming a movie for people to enjoy that would be amazing. But it is really tough to make stuff happen so I’m trying many different approaches. I just came up with a new idea. What really makes you want to see a movie? An awesome trailer. So why don’t I just make an awesome trailer that will make people want to see my movie? Then, other people will start to notice that there’s this movie people really want to see and they will want to be involved. Then, I can say something like, “Listen Robert DeNiro and Steven Spielberg, I’d love to have you both work on this. Let’s see if I have room. Oh and also, we have not started shooting or writing anything other than what you see in the trailer. So we got a lot of work to do.” Simple enough. Then, I write the rest of the script, connecting all the intense trailer moments, filling in the gaps, and making this movie Oscar-worthy. So, here’s the trailer I’ve come up with. I wanted it to show all the intense moments and classic lines that sweet-butt movies have. It may not be in traditional format but just go with it, OK? (By the way, here's my idea for what the poster should look like below.)

Fade in to see a menacing-looking man standing alone in the middle of an airport runway. Then, we see that it is Samuel L. Jackson. Yeah, that’s right, he’s in it! Robert DeNiro approaches him from the side, walking briskly.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I was thinking maybe you weren’t going to make it.

ROBERT DENIRO
You thought wrong, bucko.

Everyone should probably laugh when he says bucko because it’s very funny. If they don’t seem to be laughing from that then we can add in the sound of people laughing and maybe egg everyone on a bit.

Next it cuts to a shot of Bobby D (Robert DeNiro of course) standing on top of a building with Sean Bean. Yup, him too. They stare down the side looking at the street 50+ stories below. They are both harnessed in to some sort of contraption with ropes attached and dangling down the side of the building. While they look Sam Jackson narrates.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (V.O.)
You will need to perform a series of agile manuevers to get to the cash.

The two prepare at the edge of the building.

SEAN BEAN
For England, James?

ROBERT DENIRO
My name is Robert and I’m not from England.

Sean Bean jumps over the edge, repelling down the side of the skyscraper. Bobby D follows. They stop halfway down, right in front of a window.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (V.O.)
Your gun is your best friend.

Sean Bean shoots the window several times until it shatters. They look inside and see several U.K. flags scattered around the room.

SEAN BEAN
I told you it was for England.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (V.O.)
Trust no one.

Sean Bean points the gun at Bobby D’s forehead like a huge jerk! What?! I thought they were working together!

ROBERT DENIRO
No for me.

Bobby D pulls his gun from his holster while pushing himself off the side of the building with his feet. He swings out, Sean Bean fires and misses. Bobby D shoots once, hitting the rope above Sean, slicing it in half and sending him plummeting to his doom. Bobby D keeps his momentum and swings into the room with the U.K. flags. He unravels one that is rolled up. It has loads and loads of money in it.

CUT TO:

Bobby D running through an office building carrying a duffel bag. Gun shots are being fired at him.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (V.O.)
Bring the money back to me immediately. No stops! No changing the plan!

CUT TO:

Bobby D is sitting alone stopped at a diner. The action and music has subsided for a moment. He is eating an omelette very calmly with a document out in front of him. A closer look shows this document is labeled “The Plan” and Bobby D is changing it. He’s crossing things off with a marker.

CUT TO:

The music picks back up and is SO intense!

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I told you not to change the plan!

ROBERT DENIRO
Sometimes you gotta do things for you.

CUT TO:

Bobby D is driving a car, speeding down the road. Will Smith is with him! What?! Him too?!

WILL SMITH
Who are these guys chasing us?!

ROBERT DENIRO
Some guys who want us dead!

A gunshot from behind shatters one of the windows.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Diary Entry: 08 - Mario Karting


Dear Diary,

At what point will we be off this formal “Dear Diary” bullshit? I’m sorry to use profanity but really what is it with this? I talk to you every week. Can’t I just say Hey Diary? Anyway, remember that Toad guy I was telling you about last week? Well, I still don’t know if he was the first Toad I saved or a different one but anyway he said he was going to take me to where the Princess really was. Thank the Lord because I don’t know how much longer of this searching around I can take.

So, I follow the little weird shaped guy to a race track. At first I’m like, “Fantastico, this guy’s placing a bet first, in the meantime who knows what’s happening with Princess Toadstool.” Then, he tells me that ugly turtle, Bowser, races here and he brings the Princess with him and forces her to race as well. I guess some of the tracks are heavily guarded by his trusting minions and people he has secrets about. That’s good thinking on his part. You find out a secret about someone and they owe you some favors! Maybe some awesome ones depending on the size of the secret. Anyway, he makes her race the track with him every other day. Kind of a weird request. It’s like when King Kong makes the pretty lady juggle for him so he can laugh. Maybe Bowser just wants to laugh at a woman trying to drive. As funny as that is, I still think the guy is a dick. He’s forcing my beautiful Princess to compete in these races, and these races can get dangerous! One of his smaller turtle minions even races with him and takes off his turtle shell and throws it on the track while they’re driving! Who does that?! Isn’t he afraid he’s gonna lose it? Nope, because he re-sprouts a new one like it’s some sort of god damn regenerating limb and is free to throw more.

But come on! A giant turtle shell spinning around on the track! If that slides under one of the cars and hits any of the undercarriage you are screwed! You gonna spend the coin on a new muffler or to fix a broken O2 valve? If that guy hit my car I’d make him pay for the damages. It probably be out of pocket too since he doesn’t look insured. Anyway, Toad has this monumental idea. We get in one of the races and he is going to distract Bowser while I save the Princess. Amazing! So, we get in on the next one. Toad and I are in the back. We’re behind a total of 6 people I believe. I can’t even see who is who. We’re in some sort of stupid castle again! The race starts, which is apparently officiated by one of those racist jerks that floats around in the clouds. Luckily, he doesn’t seem to have recognized me, so I am able to speed along with no problem. We quickly catch up to where the Princess is. Bowser is driving right next to her, staring at her all the while. Perv. I manage to scoop up a mushroom and Toad gets a red turtle shell. He throws it and the thing has a mind of it’s own! It directs itself right at Bowser and smashes into the back of his car! He does like ten flips in the air and I’m pretty sure he’s going to need some major external work done.

I put the mushroom in my own exhaust pipe and it’s like shrooms for my car! It gives it a huge speed boost and I rocket towards the Princess. It ain’t like the banana in the tailpipe. It’s like the opposite actually. Anyway, I speed up and roll up right next to Princess like a damn pimp. However, as Toad is approaching from behind, Bowser shows he’s still got some tricks left and throws a green shell right at Toad’s mushroom head and takes him off the track! Sucks for him but at least I’m still with the Princess. Then, the damn small turtle drops back from farther ahead and matches speed with me. He slowly starts closing in closer to me. I see him taking his shell off and aiming it at me. We come up on these ugly box like rock face guys and they hover up in the air over the track. They smash down in front of us blocking half the track and we all have to swerve out of the way! Getting in the way like fucking bicyclists! I’m sorry, I’ve been cursing a lot more recently. Anyway, I almost drive off into some lava which is apparently surrounding us. Yeah, that’s safe for a race track. But it makes the turtle swerve away from me and my car stays in tact for a minute longer. We round the corner, I get close to Princess again, but then so does this persistent stupid ass turtle. Ah! He’s so stupid looking, it annoys me! And then, luck has it, we start driving through a series of ramps!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass? - Part 3


OK, folks. It’s time for the finals of Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?! Finally! Last week we had some crazy intense matchups. Bruce Willis adding insult to injury when he not only murdered Sam Jackson but he straightened his jerry curl hair. Is that how you spell jerry curl? Who cares? The shit’s extinct now. The only man left in the world to have them, just got straight murgolated and his hair got straight straightened as well. Oh and Will Smith killed Dwayne Johnson’s ass. Well, actually he killed him with his own ass weirdly enough. Oh, you didn’t read? You should go back and read the semi-finals to see what happened. http://www.steveinevitable.com/2011/08/who-is-ultimate-movie-bad-ass-part-2.html But that’s not what this post is about. This post is about the finals! Mo let’s take a look at the bracket, Mo!

(All in an English Woman’s voice) Above you will see how the competitors have dwindled down. Bruce Willis and Will Smith are the only two to have won all their battles and are now the last two standing. They will be facing off against each other in just a moment. Now, they’ve had a week to lick their wounds and pump some iron. They should both be back in primo condition and ready to fight. They’ve also had time to strategize and it will be interesting to see how each of them decided to approach this matchup.

Thank you Mo. Yes we’ve all been wondering who each fighter will pick. Will Smith started off as Agent J from “Men In Black” and then fought as Hancock from “Hancock” in the semi-finals. He still has quite the array of characters to pick from for the finals. And there’s Bruce Willis who has surprisingly not picked John McClane yet. He started off as Butch Coolidge from “Pulp Fiction” and then followed it up with Jimmy “The Tulip” Tudeski from “The Whole Nine Yards”. A boxer and a hitman. Not bad choices, I think most people have just been surprised.

Oh my God! Oh my God! The results are in you guys, shut up! Will Smith has just walked out onto the battlefield as Mike Lowery from “Bad Boys”. Oh shit! And now opposite him walks out Bruce Willis as John McClane from “Die Hard”. He must have just been saving his best for last! I think both of them were actually. Smart choices. Oh and guess what else! Cop battle! Holy guacamole canoli! This is intense. Immediately the wind begins to pick up. As if a sign from the gods that all the other gods who aren’t paying attention need to put their worlds on hold and come watch this shit. The setting is a parking lot outside of a mall. Shopping carts begin blowing by the wind is so strong. A smart car even gets blown out of the parking lot and into the road. All the other big boy cars stay put though. And so do these two soldiers. They are eyeing each other down. John McClane takes a CD out of his pocket. It’s Will2K by Will Smith.

JOHN MCCLANE
Picked up your CD at the mall right here!

John throws the CD on the ground and stomps on it with his foot. It immediately lights on fire and then turns into smoke and blows away. Mike Lowery reaches into his pocket and pulls out a CD as well. It’s Bruce Willis’s CD “The Return Of Bruno”. Yeah, you probably didn’t know he made music. He’s got a couple CD’s I think. This particular CD has a song “Respect Yourself” on it, pretty decent. You should check it out. Not many people know he has music out there.

MIKE LOWERY
Yours isn’t very popular. I wasn’t able to find it at the mall.

He throws it on the ground. Stomps on it. His boot actually turns it to vapor without hesitation.

MIKE LOWERY
Amazon.

JOHN MCCLANE
You son of a bitch!

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

What's New?


What’s new? What’s new? Did you hear there is a deaf man who recently filed a complaint against Empire Haven Nudist Park? They had a naturist festival which he apparently attended but he’s saying, or writing, that they disregarded his civil rights by not providing a sign language interpreter. Are you serious? Let’s break down why you’re crazy.

1 - They let you in and get naked, which you apparently wanted to do.

2 - You got to see naked people all day. A ton of them. More than you normally see in a day I’m sure.

3 - This is a sight-sensitive day and you’re complaining about hearing issues. Way to see the bad side of everything.

4 - And you got to live 65% of American men’s dreams. Seeing plenty of naked women but not having to listen to a word they say. Whether that’s your American dream or not, at least you lived someone else’s dream. And it’s not like not hearing anything made it worse. What the fuck could nudists possibly have to say? They spend all their time avoiding wearing clothes, they’re cutting themselves off from some of the best conversation topics. Pocket lint, button problems, things stuck in zippers, plaid. Come on. No one wants to talk to a nudist.

Here’s the deal buddy. You obviously wanted to be naked around lots of naked people and this beautiful country allows people to live out almost every weird fantasy they could ever have without any complaints. You’re mad because they didn’t bring a sign language interpreter? You really think that guy would be paying attention to anything? The messages you’d receive from him would go something like, “Boobs. Boobs. Vagina. Ass. Boobs. Ass. Vagina. Sandwiches? Boobs. Boobs. Is that really the line for the bathroom?” Really, you’re not missing much!

What else is new? Kate Gosselin has apparently been begged as of late by her kids to remarry. Really? People still care about this woman? She had a reality show, what, two years ago? Her and Jon and eight kids.

First off - reality shows are the dumbest and most mind-numbingly basic and mundane of all forms of entertainment. No one should have cared about you in the first place.

Secondly - the most fascinating part of that show was that the two of you had eight kids. The eight kids. Not either of the two parents. That’s not exciting.

Third - two years ago! And you’re divorced! Gah! Why does anybody still hold a camera near you? Even at family reunions I wish your own mother wouldn’t take pictures of you, my brain can’t fathom the idea of the paparazzi doing it.

Fourth - why do you kids want you to remarry? I don’t think any of them are over the age of 10 so they have not yet reached the age to have the ability to care for others, probably not their mom either. They don’t want it for you, they want it for them. They want a step dad because neither you nor your ex-husband do a good enough job taking care of them.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Pimping Is Actually Very Difficult


Recently, I’ve been thinking about the content of one of my very first posts, (Insert here) and going over everything I said. There was a lot of good points I made I think, rappers get away with a lot of things that us ordinary folk can’t. And it’s because they’re rappers. I’m not even sure if it has anything to do with them being rich. If someone were to become an ordinary folk type rapper and not become rich, he or she could probably get away with a lot of the same things. Additionally, I’m pretty sure no one is the rapping world is reppin’ us ordinary folk, so I’ve taken it upon myself to be that man. I kind of always thought it would be cool to be a rapper. I think I can do it.

So, check it out. I already got my rapping name. Stevie Stever. Nothing too fancy but then again some rappers just rap under their real name. So I did a little twist on mine. I think it’s catchy. Now, I know rappers often times have a bathousand nicknames. Yes, a bathousand. So, I’ve come up with a few. I did some intense studying and research in order to pick the right nicknames. For instance, Jay-Z also goes by Jigga. Starts with the same letter and other than that is basically just a random ordering of letters creating a catchy sounding nickname. I can do that. Another name he sometimes goes by is Iceberg. He’ll refer to himself as that sometimes, which is just an icy, geographical phenomenon. I get it. Icy. Ice. Jewelry. It makes sense. But I think I can do that too. Observe.

It’s Stevie Stever in the house, a.k.a. Glacier.
A.k.a. S-Ka Bibble. Big receiver of fellatier.

See? Easy. Those are my nicknames by the way. S-Ka Bibble and Glacier. And that was a pretty hardcore rap right? You could tell right away I’m no nonsense. I’m in the house, so that’s good for people to know. However, it’s important to state that the house I’m in is not a large mansion. It’s not any kind of big expensive house. Remember I’m reppin’ the people who live in regular type houses. Apartments. Condos. That’s my crew. People who own only one house because...well...they’re only one person, or one family. I’m going to make sure people remember this when I rap. I have a few ideas. Here’s one.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Emoticomageddon

Emoticomageddon is coming. It’s true. The emoticons are becoming more and more popular. They’re springing up everywhere. Some people think this is not a big deal. Who cares? I’m happy! Let me show it to you in a text message! :) look if I cocked my head to the side and smiled it would look just like that. Take a picture of your face smiling and send it! Don’t do the emoticon! You don’t realize it but you’re actually destroying the English language, starting with it’s punctuation! It’s like when we started using trees for paper to write things down for people to read them instead of just telling them. Destroying the ecosystem. Thank goodness someone invented the computer. Slowly computers are running the cold-hearted novelists out of business and sinking their nature killing asses into the cold, unforgiving earth they’re absent-mindedly destroying.

You may not realize it, but using the colon : and using an end parenthesis ) to make a smiley face is ruining our own language. Those things are used for punctuation! Certain scenarios call for those symbols and you’re throwing all their meaning out the door. They are soon going to become too overused and thus meaningless. It’s just like when kids found out about that program you could use online, it was basically AIM for the blind. You would type your message into the program and then some responder would call the blind person and relay the message verbally. Then, the blind person would say something to the responder and they would type it to the sightful person. And kids found out about it and would type in dirty things for the person to send to their friends. I couldn’t tell you how many calls I received from a random person I do not know saying dirty things to me like, “You’re ding dong is the reason I even wake up in the morning” or “sword fight with our penises at my place tonight”. We were in middle school. What are you expecting? Something less mature? But see how we made it meaningless? It used to be a helpful too for the blind and those who are friends with the blind, and kids turned it into a prank calling device.

I can see this happening with our punctuation. If you insert a colon into an email to introduce a list, as a colon is commonly used for, people are going to start to look at that and wonder why in the hell you inserted someone’s sideways eyes into the middle of your sentence. What’s this mean? You’re peeking at me between sentences? Then, they’re going to get creeped out by your creeper peeking and report you to HR. “Steve’s being creepy in work emails. He keeps staring at me. Always right before introducing a list, I’ve noticed.” Sexual harassment lawsuit. Boom! You are in some heavy shit! And all because you practice proper grammar and the morons who don’t stay high and dry. So, all the smartest people in the world, the ones who can grammartize correctly, are going to lose their jobs due to an increasing amount of suspicious sexual harassment complaints. The only people not jobless will become the idiots. And now we have the idiots running our country! And don’t think it stops there!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Dirty Sexy Cash

I’ve been getting more and more unusually marked dollar bills recently. Has this ever happened to you? You get a dollar bill as change for one of your many important purchases in life (custom made bowling shoes, pen sword, tiger mask with matching paws) and someone has written on it? Sometimes you’ll notice tiny things, like a random number in the corner. Or a tiny little smiley face down on the bottom. But sometimes it’s a little more advanced. That’s what I’m talking about. And I’m not saying that in the sense an inner city youth might when he sees someone do something really cool, “Now, that’s what I’m talking about!” I’m saying it in the sense like I was just talking about something, and then I felt it needed clarification, so I gave it clarification, with a clear cut example, and then let you know that was what I was talking about beforehand.

Getting back on track, sometimes the dollar bills have something much more distinct written on them. The first one I recall coming across was when I was a waiter at a restaurant. I had a party of two, an old lady with her granddaughter. I gave them the bill and the old lady paid cash. Her tip was a ten dollar bill with KEG $ written on it. I remember grabbing it from her and being very confused. Why did she, a 70 year old grandmother, have money labeled for keg money? Was she getting a keg later? And with ten dollars? I’m pretty sure they’re more than that. Then, later I realized, it didn’t have to be her who wrote on it. Someone did at one point, then hopefully used it to buy a keg. Let’s hope it wasn’t the total cost of that keg for the sake of that party or else that was some shitty ass party beer. So, after they used it at the keg place, the owner of the keg place took it, or maybe even a disgruntled employee stole it, and then one of them used it, maybe at a strip club. Then, perhaps the stripper used it to buy groceries, after pulling it from the man’s mouth and placing it in her undies. Then, the owner of the grocery store used the money to pay the baby-sitter, and back to the old lady who baby-sits on the weekends who sat at my table. Then, I got the bill. See how that works? Then, I used it somewhere, don’t remember where, but I wish I thought to take a picture first. But this basically proves two things. One - money circulates in all sorts of ways passing through all sorts of hands and other body parts. Which leads us to two - never put money in your mouth.

As you can see above, I have included a picture of a different dollar bill. A five dollar bill which I received recently. Change from a bar. Can you read what it says? Ken The Bucket Guy!! And there’s some squiggle marks on Abe’s forehead. What do you think that’s all about. My guess is there’s a guy who comes into a bar a lot. They know his name is Ken, but don’t know his last name. Every other day he comes in, 6 p.m. sharp. He carries a large bucket with him every day he’s in. The bucket reads, MY LIFE. Inside are what he claims to be the only things important in his life. It has his cell phone, his wallet, a pack of cigarettes, and a slinky. His reasoning, what matters is contact with others, currency, keeping your sanity, and enjoyment. Once someone asked Ken, “What about sex? Shouldn’t you have a condom in there to represent sex?” To which Ken replied, “Condoms are for pussies.” Then, he gulped down the rest of his jack and coke. That’s all he drinks. And Ken is a vulgar man. So, they dubbed him Ken The Bucket Man. And he kind of looks like Abe Lincoln if he had a more wrinkly forehead. And one employee at the bar was showing to another how he looks like Abe Lincoln if you just modify the forehead. So, that’s why you see the squiggles on the forehead. That’s my theory on the origin of that dollar bill. But who knows? It could be anything!

Friday, August 5, 2011

Jersey Shore Italiano Time

T-Shirt Time!!! Yes, that’s right. That is the famed call of the Jersey Shore boys. Did you hear? They’re back with a third season...in Italy. Oh Italy, are you in store for some shit. Remember all those people you sent over here awhile ago? All the rejects? Don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about Italy. You had a bunch of residents in your wonderful country, that were stupid, obnoxious, loud and orange. You told them about this amazing opportunity to go to America. It’s the “In” thing you told them. So, a bunch of them came over here on ships and boats and life rafts. They floated over and landed all mainly in New York and New Jersey and they just stayed there. And they started mating. With each other. Then, those super-offspring of yours met other super-offspring of the same nature and mated with them. And the super-duper-offspring was created. Now, we are caught up to current day.

So, you thought you were being clever. Send all the rejects off to another place, tell them they’ll love it. And then you’ll be rid of them. And you were right, they did love it. And for awhile you only had true Italians in Italy. All the faux Italians stayed and partied it up on the east coast of the U.S. As the years went by they produced like I stated before. We are now left with these super-duper-offspring that are starting an epidemic. They’re dumbening our country. Yes, that’s right. Dumbening. So much so that dumbening is being recognized as a real word. They’re designating specific times of the day for t-shirts and cabs. They’re clogging up the gyms and the tanning booths and the laundromats. They’re getting in our pools and leaving behind a trail of oils and gels and who knows what else. And we have to deal with them. First we were just trying to avoid them. Basically that entails staying away from New York and New Jersey. Ever been? They’re seriously cluttering up the places. But now they’re on TV! They’re everywhere! All in our faces, getting in our grills about everything. Talking to us about safe sex! Pshhh! OK, Situation. What do you know about that? You think safe sex is stringing one girl along at the club so that you got a safe bet for sex later in case none of the other girls are digging your style.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Diary Entry: 07 - The Damn Desert

Dear Diary,

I know I was slightly more sheltered having lived in Mushroom Kingdom my whole life, but I didn’t know it was so bad. After venturing out into the desert I realized there was a lot of stuff I didn’t know about. People say Brooklyn is weird, and it is what with all the Italians and how they sound and that they say it’s an Italian accent. No, stupid, that’s a New York accent. Ever listen to one of these people say water of coffee. They make a noise which has not yet been defined by the English alphabet. There is no combination of letters that represent the noise they make. It’s incredible. It’s like in all those Sci-Fi movies when the aliens make noises we can’t even fathom a human being able to make. And ever talk to someone from Long Island? Excuse me, Long Gisland. That’s right. They pronounce the G. And hard! Anyway, as weird as Brooklyn and the rest of New York is, you ain’t seen nothing til you spent a couple days out in this desert next to Mushroom Kingdom.

So, apparently when you have a raccoon tail and ears you can fly by flapping your tail. There’s certain leaves that when you touch them you morph into a half raccoon person. It must have some transmorphing or hallucinogenic properties. Either way, they’re the only leaves in the desert. So, any leaf you touch in this desert turns you into an ugly half man half animal that can’t fly, except you can fly. And it’s usually by accident. The first time I flew was when I saw a mirage of a big pepperoni pizza. My tail started wagging with joy and up I went, straight into a pipe. Got a big bump on my head. Didn’t even know I could fly! Thanks stupid leaf!

Oh guess what else. There’s these sneaky little devils that ride around in clouds and throw junk at you! They all look like Scooter from The Muppet Babies. And they throw these animals that I’m not quite sure what they are. They’re like baby stegosauruses or something. Whatever, it’s rude of the guys. I don’t even know them and they follow me all around the desert throwing stuff. They’re probably racist against Italians. I heard one of them call me the W word under his breath once I think. Racist.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass? - Part 2

OK, this is Part 2 of “Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?” If you haven’t read the first post you might want to go back and read it http://www.steveinevitable.com/2011/07/who-is-ultimate-movie-bad-ass.html otherwise this one might get a little confusing. I’ll do a quick recap anyway. Last week, 8 contenders, all hungry for the win. Some hungrier than others. Bruce Willis boxed up a storm and sent Sylvester Stallone to the canvas in one round. KO byatch! He progresses to the Semi-Finals. Samuel L. Jackson used his purple light saber on Jackie Chan to advance to the semi-finals. Kung fu proved to be inferior to a Jedi and his saber. Will Smith beat up on old man Harrison Ford who definitely had some fight left in him but just couldn’t seal the deal. The Fresh Prince advanced to the semi-finals. And finally the last matchup was Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson VS. Vin Diesel. Don’t matter what “Fast Five” says, it ain’t true. Vin Diesel can’t beat up The Rock. If you went by everything “Fast Five” said, you’d also believe a bus pulling twenty-odd inmates and security guards, traveling 60 miles an hour, being run off the road by cars, crashing and flipping and rolling over like 6 or 7 times wouldn’t kill a single passenger on board. Bullshit! The real deal was The Rock, who I think we’re just supposed to call Dwayne Johnson now, killed Vin Diesel in a matter of seconds. Vinny’s a cool guy and he’s tough no doubt, but I’m sorry! He doesn’t win that fight! Anyway, Dwayne moves on to the Semi-Finals. Now, if you take a look down at the bracket below you’ll see the Semi-Finals matchups.

Over on the left you’ll see we have Dwayne Johnson VS. Will Smith. And on the right we have Bruce Willis VS. Sam Jackson. You might also notice if you are an astute observer that a couple of the lines have changed in the bracket. I corrected them as I realized I made a slight mistake. In the last post the lines traveled from Dwayne’s and Bruce’s spots to one of the finalist spots suggesting the winner of a battle between those two goes to the finals. And same thing with Will and Sam. That however is not the case. The matchups are Dwayne VS. Will and Bruce VS. Sam. They have been corrected now and I apologize for any confusion caused from the switch. This is the right way though. Take a look at March Madness brackets, this is how they lay them out. However, they can’t add the Bruces or Wills or Sams or Dwaynes as they would have unfair advantages over the Purdues and the Gonzagas and the Dukes and the Kentuckys what with their sheer awesomeness. Anyway, enough of that talk. Back to this real bracket which is super important in today’s current events.

First matchup we will see. Will Smith VS. Dwayne Johnson. Will was Agent J from “Men In Black” last round so he cannot do that this round. He chooses to be Hancock from the movie “Hancock”. Tough guess on the movie, right? And Dwayne Johnson, as you know from my rambling on in the first paragraph, was Luke Hobbs from “Fast Five” so he as well cannot choose that character. So, he chooses The Scorpion King from, yup, you guessed it, “The Scorpion King”! Let’s watch this shit unravel. The Scorpion King starts waddling around like scorpions do. Looking all weird and junk and snipping his big claws around trying to intimidate Hancock. Hancock is steady sipping some Hennessee. He downs it in about a minute. The Scorpion King nears closer and closer and starts snipping at Hancock. He catches him with a snip cutting him across his belly. Hancock gets pissed and “Move, Bitch” by Ludacris starts playing from a boombox somewhere. He jumps up and starts flying around. He punches The Scorpion King in the eyebrows a couple times. He gets pissed as he can no longer do his patented move due to the damage. He’s in a permanent frowning state right now. He whips his tail at Hancock and smacks him down to the ground. They’re fighting in a desert by the way so there’s a huge cloud of dust that sprouts up as he hits the ground. Cool, right?

THE SCORPION KING
You welcome to Earth!

HANCOCK
Oh, hell no! I may not be that character right now but you cannot quote me! Not while fighting me! And especially not out of turn!

Technically Will Smith quoted himself out of turn last round but we’re not going to knitpick. Anyway, the music changes to just instrumental and gets really epic as some extra horns are added in. Hancock hops up and delivers a haymaker to the jaw of The Scorpion King. While he’s stunned, Hancock flies around the back end to his tail and rips it clean off his body. He flies back around, The Scorpion King is trying to chase him but is quite disoriented. He’s spinning around and around as Hancock keeps circling him, making him super duper dizzy. He finally stops and The Scorpion King turns enough to face him and then stops spinning. They’re face to face but The Scorpion King can barely focus. He has those little spinny cartoon eyes that look time warps he’s so dizzy! Hancock holds the scorpion tail high over his head...

HANCOCK
Elvis, has left the building!

No, Will that’s still out of turn...
Doesn’t matter. He thrusts it down slamming the stinger of the tail into The Scorpion King’s own head. It’s a crazy sight. The wind kicks up and lightning flashes but the thunder is actually just the sound of Freddy Mercury’s voice hitting a crazy high note. Aurora Borealis pops up out of nowhere and the earth starts to shake. Suddenly, The Scorpion King explodes into a million pieces and everything slowly calms back down. Whoa! That was insane! And guess what? Will Smith is heading to the Finals ladies and gentlemen. Who saw that coming? Anybody? OK, on to the next round.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Top 10 Worst Sex Positions/Moves

Recently I put a post up which included the 10 worst faces to make during sex. It was my most popular post by far. So, since people liked it so much I decided to do a follow up on it. This one isn’t sex faces however. This one is...

THE TOP 10 WORST SEX POSITIONS/MOVES

10 - The “Hoppity”

Hopping into it every time you want to thrust is not a good idea. Just use your pelvis. Too much hopping during sex can result in misfires, bruises, and even a possible fracture. Tip for intercourse, get in and stay in, just move around. You ever see too many people entering and exiting a building too frequently? The bouncer tends to get a little pissed off.

9 - The “Over Confident” Style

OK, dude. You can’t just stand there, hips on hands, chest jutting out. The Batman costume is fine but remember you aren’t as awesome as him. Use your hands for guidance. You’re better off than the guy doing the “Hoppity” since you’re actually using your pelvis. But that’s all you’re using. Don’t be cocky, use your hands too!

8 - The “Joe Hollywood”

Taking time out to say hi to the fans and give them a little “gun-point” is fine, but not during sex. During the act you should be fully committed and focused on your partner. Even while approaching from behind make sure not to be distracted by TV, funny signs, and most of all, fans. I can’t tell you how many groupees have ruined a perfectly sexy relationship.




7 - The “Dancer”

Sometimes good dance moves can help you entice a lovely lady, but once the deal is sealed, seal the dance moves up, deal? Don’t break them out in the bedroom! Focus on the act. What are you doing here? The C in the YMCA dance? Where are the other 3 guys? On second thought, don’t answer that.

6 - The “Finger From Far”

Don’t be afraid to get in there. It ain’t gonna hurt you. Maybe it looks a little weird because you haven’t seen too many but I ensure you it’s completely normal. Get right in there. And don’t be afraid to use other parts of your body. Additionally, you’re just going to creep your partner out if you’re standing that far away.





Monday, August 1, 2011

The Sometime Show - Episode 3

'Jord, Alex and Sinbad' photo (c) 2006, Alex Lee Behan - license: http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/2.0/
Hello hello. Good whatever-time-of-day-it-is-for-you-while-you’re-reading-this. I’m guessing...afternoon? Welcome to SteveInevitable, our show we’ve had on for quite some time now. Hmmm...well this is the third episode. But whatever, how many shows do you have that are up to three episodes? Chances are none because I don’t think anybody reading this has a show! If you do let me know though. :) Smiles! :) With me as always is my friend, my co-host, my guide through life, Sinbad. And with Sinbad are apparently some random people. Who are those people Sinbad? ..... Silent treatment? Oh, he’s busy talking with them. OK, we’ll ask him later. Anyway, we got a great show planned for you. There’s lots going on in the news we want to talk about with you. And we have a very special guest coming on the show. Well, he’s just a regular guest but the producers always insist you act like the guests are big time and that you actually give a sh**! Sure, maybe if I were getting paid. But there’s been a lot going on in the world recently. Not that that’s any different from any other day. There’s always some crazy story in the news. And we love that. Because now it’s time to make fun of those stories, as always!

Did you hear the FBI is saying they have a credible lead in the “D. B. Cooper” Case? A case of a man who hijacked a jet in 1971 and stole $200,000.
Yeah, the lead was, “It’s been 40 years. The guy is dead. And he spent all the money.” Maybe it’s time the FBI starts looking through their crime archives of the 1980’s. Or just gets back to crime happening in this century.

How about this? Did you hear a man in a Spongebob mask robbed a store near Orlando, Florida?
Yeah, if you have any information about this man just pick up your shellphone and call the police. There is a 100,000 Krabby Patty reward for helping them out with his whereabouts. If you’ve ever watched the show then that joke is hilarious. If you haven’t, then you should! Or just shut up and wait for the next joke.

So, the New York Jets decided not to re-sign Braylon Edwards but instead pick up the fresh out of jail, Plaxico Burress.
A lot of people have speculated the decision as being a bad one since Plaxico could be out of shape. It’s like they’re shooting themselves in the foot, to which Plaxico said, “It doesn’t hurt as much as you’d think.”

Ex-NBA player, Samaki Walker, tried eating eight grams of marijuana before being arrested during a routine traffic stop in Arizona.
My guess is his thinking was he’d pull it out the other end in jail and let everyone know, this port is just for export, no import.

According to a recent study, it was found that 45 percent of men said they would not date someone they work with because it would be a weird situation but 56 percent of men said we would sleep with someone from work.
What you don’t know is that the 45 percent are all included in that 56 percent mentioned as well. “Oh, I’ll sleep with a co-worker I just won’t date them. That would be a bad idea. Too awkward.”

Alright, that’s it for the news. I mean, there’s more news but who the hell cares? I just told you all the funny stories. Or all the stories easiest to make a joke out of. I’m still wondering who those people are Sinbad’s hanging out with.

SINBAD
My friends from home!

Oh, he’s talking to us again. Finally, he’s doing what we pay him for. What are their names?

SINBAD
None of your business!