Sunday, July 24, 2011

X's And O's

XOXO. Apparently I just kissed and hugged you. And then kissed and hugged you again. Why is that? Why is an X a kiss and an O a hug? And sorry if we don’t know each other too well and you’re weirded out by all the affection. But seriously, X’s and O’s have represented kisses and hugs for as long as I can remember. Do they still mean the same when on their own? “XXX” usually doesn’t mean 3 kisses. It usually means something else. Something beyond kissing. And “OOO” usually isn’t three hugs. I think “OOO” is a moan that is exclaimed, usually from a lot of “XXX”. But together XOXO kisses and hugs. I’ve been trying to figure this out and I think I’ve come up with a solution.

X, if split in half, looks like > <, more or less. Now, each one of those things could be someone’s mouth I suppose. They’re pointing right at each other and when pressed together, X, now those two mouths are kissing. What about O? My theory on this, is that this is what a hug looks like from an aerial view. Say you’re a bird or an astronaut and you look down and see someone hugging another person. With their arms wrapped completely around the person and touching on the back it might look like O. Now, I suppose that’s probably only if the person is thin enough for you to fit your arms around them entirely. If you can’t, your arms won’t connect but will come close, and it will probably look like U. So, XUXU is probably kisses and hugs to a fat person. Chubby chasers, start signing your romantic letters accordingly.

But what about other actions? Handshakes and high fives? Bumps and grinds? Do they have letters assigned to them? I don’t think they do so here we go. Naturally I will assign B to bump and G grind. Handshakes and high fives is a trickier business. They both start with H so I can’t use that for either or it will be confusing. So S will be handShakes and F with be high Fives. And then of course, the most important form of human contact. I. The one that is sought after more than any other form of contact. Intercourse. I is for intercourse. Now, how do all of these play in part with one another? Do they have effects on one another? Oh you bet your A they do.

Check out that fucking awesome graph above that I whipped up in less than 10 minutes. I know, it shows. On the X axis you will see it shows the number of times you X and O. The Y axis shows your chances at I. The graph clearly shows the more you X and O the better your chances are at I. Simple enough. A more detailed look shows that once you reach 10 X’s and O’s your chances grow quicker with each additional X and O. And then again once you reach 30. Basically after 30 X’s and O’s have been completed your chances sky rocket. It makes perfect sense. Let’s try another one.

Another sweet ass graph! And the Oscar for most outstanding artwork done in Paint goes to.....the guy who thinks this is the name of a real award. But all awesome-boner-giving-graphs aside, take a look at what this is telling you. Your chances at I grow much stronger with a little B & G. BGBG gets you to I faster than XOXO. Don’t completely knock XOXO, it has it’s values. Also, don’t forget about combos. XOBGXOXOBGBG - I won’t even tell you how quickly you will I. That’s such an exponential graph the blue line almost bends backwards over itself. And that’s another reason why I won’t show you because I don’t think Paint can handle a graph of that magnitude. Anyway, it’s become apparent why R. Kelly was so obsessed with his Bump & Grind. Why he loved P & P is another story that I don’t know the reasoning to. So we won’t even touch that shi.....stuff. How about another? I know you want more graphs.

Oh! Did this one throw you for a loop? Now, remember we didn’t get creative like they did with the X’s and O’s. The letters basically just pertain to the words they are representing. S’s and F’s are handShakes and high Fives. And check out what happens the more you handshake and high five a potential I mate. Basically any number under 10 is acceptable. And normal. Going over 10 is OK but you definitely want to try to keep it under 20. At 20 I think you’d probably start to get some messages like, quit F’ing and S’ing and let’s get down to the B & G. Or at least an O. Or is it that you’re thinking it will be more like U and you’re shallow? Don’t want to I with someone who you can only U? Anyway, once you’ve slapped or shook hands around 35 times don’t ever expect to see that person naked. That’s best friend status. Unless this is a romantic comedy and you’re the best friend and the love interest’s current boy/girlfriend is a huge dick/vagina and totally cheats on the love interest whenever he/she is at work/kitchen. Whoa! Why did that sound so sexist? I was just giving two different places the cheating dick/vag could be. Anywho, your life is not a romantic comedy. Moral of the story, put away the S’s and F’s  if you want to see some boobs/penis.

Well, I’m glad we did this. I think I learned from this experience. Granted I created all this information (created not fabricated, that’s important) but I learned the info I created. I think it holds true since I have facts and graphs to back it up. You don’t deny anything that has a graph that comes with it. That’s like telling a guy he doesn’t work on Wall Street when he’s clearly holding a briefcase. The evidence is right there! I hope all you learned from this as well. No need to S with me. We don’t need to be so formal. We can F. Or even O. I’d like to see what you look like before I think about any X’s. But who knows? Maybe while we 0 some famous R&B singer will start singing and our bodies will sway and we won’t be able to help but to do a little B & G. And I’ll let you know something else, in this case, there is an I in teamwork. In fact, I is only in teamwork. Otherwise, it’s just M. XOXO.


  1. All my dates started with some F and S and then I did some O and then that led to B and G and then the X came into play multiple times thus leaving me with an I.


  2. Hahaha I'm glad the algebra with letters is fun. I had fun making equations. Turns out they spell it BIG for a reason.