Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?

It’s time to play that age old game, “Who is the Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?” We’ve all admired the bad asses in movies before and many of us have wondered who would win in a fight between one bad ass and another. Often times that leads the brain to ponder, who is the most bad ass? Who is the ultimate movie bad ass? I was thinking about this on my drive home and decided I would settle the question once and for all. I’m picking 8 actors I believe are probably in top contention. Some were bigger in the past, some are bigger now, but overall I feel these 8 are the 8 that need to be the contenders in the competition. We have Will Smith, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, Harrison Ford, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Now, we need some rules for the competition. Competitors will compete in one on one matches. During each match competitors can take on the form of any character they’ve played in a movie. However, once they’ve taken on the form of a character in a match, if they win and move on, they cannot take on that character again. Once is all. So, in their next match they have to be a different character. Or they always have the option of just being themselves in any match, but this is not encouraged. The man left standing at the end of the match is the winner. There are no rules as to what is allowed in the match. Anything that man may acquire he may use in the match. That’s it for the rules. Now that we have those down, let’s see what the matchups are going to be.

Here you can see the bracket. I decided to match people mainly based off of the rules of geography, as most sports leagues do. I used everyone’s places of origin or where they grew up. However, Vin Diesel and Sylvester Stallone are both from New York City. I decided I didn’t want a New York battle so I treated the whole bracket as if it were the NFL. How the Jets and the Giants are separated in the AFC and NFC, respectively. So, Vin and Sylvester wouldn’t be matching up against each other. Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis are geographically close to each other, as Bruce Willis grew up in New Jersey. So, that’s the Northeast division up there on the top right. The bottom left division is the Central division. This is Will Smith, from West Philadelphia born and raised, VS. Harrison Ford, from Chicago Illinois. They were close to each other so they are matched up against each other. Now, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is from California and no one is really near there in this bracket. So, since Vin Diesel is the leftover New Yorker I decided those two could match up against each other. Kind of far away but whatever, a lot of times the divisions in the NFL and NBA don’t make a lot of sense geographically. There they are on the top left and this works out pretty well because now they get a rematch after “Fast Five”. That’s why this is the Fast Five division. And lastly, on the bottom right we have Samuel L. Jackson, raised in Tennessee VS. Jackie Chan, from Hong Kong. They were the last two left. So, they’re just in the Other division. Alright, this bracket is all set to go! Let’s get these matches started!

'Sylvester Stallone & Bruce Willis' photo (c) 2010, Gage Skidmore - license:, first we got the Northeast Division. Bruce Willis VS. Sylvester Stallone. Bruce Willis has decided to fight as Butch Coolidge from “Pulp Fiction” and Sylvester Stallone is channeling Rocky Balboa from “Rocky”. Quite fitting. Boxer VS. Boxer. They meet in a ring in New York. They touch gloves at the center and the fight is on! They circle around each other for awhile. Butch’s arms are up. Rocky keeps his lazily down by his sides in quite a cocky manner. Rocky starts things off with a couple quick punches. Two in the face. BAM! BAM! Butch takes them, but is a little stunned. They dance with each other awkwardly like a couple of guys at a high school dance that have not yet found out they are gay, and start trading punches. Mostly in the face. Rocky refuses to put his hands up. He won’t guard himself. Does he always box like this? It’s annoying. Does he even want to fight? Butch wonders the same thing.

Why do you want to fight?

Because I can’t sing or dance.

Quoting himself?! Butch gets pissed! This ain’t about the dialogue! This is about the bad assery. He waits for one more of Rocky’s swings, evades it, and comes back with a mega punch! Sending him to the ground! The ref counts and counts and Rocky does not get up. The match goes to Bruce Willis! They realize that Rocky is not only down for 10 seconds, he’s been down for a half a minute. They check his pulse and he’s actually dead. I think technically the rules suggest you should kill your opponent in order to win the match but since we had two boxers it seemed like this one could be settled differently. Oh well, Bruce didn’t do anything wrong. He wins the Northeast Division and will be moving onto the Semi-Finals.

Who’s next? The Central Division. Will Smith VS. Harrison Ford. Will Smith chooses to fight as Agent J from “Men In Black” and Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones from “Indiana Jones”. It seems as if he has chosen Indy from “Raiders Of The Lost Ark” which is a good choice since that’s when he’s at his youngest and fittest. Anyway, we got one guy fighting off extra-terrestrial life and one who fights against the supernatural. Similar guys. And now they fight! Indy comes out whipping immediately. He thwacks Agent J a few times pissing him off. J goes to use his super futuristic space-like looking gun but it gets whipped out of his hands. The next whip crack lands on his sunglasses. It snaps them in half and they explode off his face. After the dust settles from the destroyed sunglasses, Will Smith’s eyes are revealed. They look like eyes from something not of this Earth. This moment I am describing is the exact moment in the image to the left.

I was just about to say my line, “You know what the difference between me and you is? I make this look good.” But you messed it up!

I hate snakes.

I don’t give a damn. I’m about to frickazee your damn brains out.

Agent J pulls out the flashy thing memory messer upper and closes his eyes. He flashes it at Harrison and stuns him. While he’s stunned Will does a classic Will Smith scream and charges him. He tackles him to the ground and wrestles his whip away from him. The scuffle breaks up and Will rushes back to his gun. Indiana doesn’t know who he is. He thinks he is the commander of some ship off in space somewhere. He’s so confused. Agent J picks up the gun and without hesitation blasts Harrison Ford into vapor. BOOM! That’s how it ends. Will Smith wins the Central Division and moves onto the Semi-Finals.

Welcome to Earth!

That’s the wrong...

I don’t care!

Moving on, The Fast Five Division. Vin Diesel VS. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Vin Diesel will play Dominic Toretto from “Fast Five” and very fittingly, Dwayne Johnson will play Luke Hobbs from “Fast Five”. Uh oh. The rematch. Before this goes any further I would like to warn everyone that there may be some spoilers contained here. But only if you actually think “Fast Five” is a movie worth seeing. I won’t say I didn’t spend money to see it because that would be a lie. But I’ve also spent money on a pair of sandals that were the most uncomfortable things ever. Doesn’t mean I enjoy them. Anyway, I saw the damn movie. And it was kind of bullshit. OK, Vin Diesel is big, and pretty bad ass. But Dwayne Johnson towers over him. Way bigger! I mean, look at the image here. This is an actual size comparison! So we will either pretend the fight in the movie when Vin Diesel essentially wins never happened, or it just doesn’t count for anything. Here’s how the real fight that matters goes. Fight! Vin comes out swinging. Connecting a lot. The Rock punches back. The two swing back and forth violently for about 9 seconds. Then, The Rock lays a boulder in his face. Knocks him over. While Vin is on the ground, The Rock’s eyebrow raises. Everyone watching gets a boner. The Rock winds up and drops his elbow on Vin’s chin. Vin explodes into a thousand tiny nuts and bolts. He’s completely dead in less than 20 seconds after the match started. And that my friends, is realistic. Dwayne Johnson has won the Fast Five Division and will move onto the Semi-Finals.

Lastly, but not leastly, we have the Other Division. Sam Jackson VS. Jackie Chan. Both heroes of mine. One of the very respectable things about Jackie Chan is that he never uses guns in his movies. He often plays a cop and has a gun but will always refrain from using it. This way there is less gun violence in his movies. So, he decides to play Chief Inspector Lee from “Rush Hour” and Sam Jackson does a very gentlemanly thing. He plays as Mace Windu from “Star Wars”. Now, he could have been any number of characters who use a gun and have an unfair advantage over Jackie but he didn’t want to do that. So, he chose a bad ass character without a gun. However, the bad ass he plays does have a purple light saber. The fight begins. Sam has not drawn his weapon yet. Naturally, Jackie Chan flips around and performs multiple kicks and punches and shit, bruising the shit out of Sam instnatly. He fights back as best he can, delivering punches and what not. Jackie retalliates with more karate moves. Eventually it becomes too much for Sam. He is struck from every angle. Hit over and over again. He’s losing. He can’t take it anymore!

I may not have a gun but taste this mother fucker!

He draws his light saber. One swing. Right through Jackie’s body. All that is left is a pair of jeans and a small black shirt laying on top of it on the floor in front of Sam. A smell arises from the pile of clothes. Sam smells it.

That is some repugnant shit.

Well, he wins the Other Divison and will be moving onto the Semi-Finals. So, we have all 4 of our Semi-Finalists. Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Will Smith, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Those were some pretty damn good fights but we’ll have to wait until a later date to see the rest of the matchups. The Semi-Finals and Finals will be later on after our champions have rested. Congratulations all. And good luck. We will see you when we return with this competition. And maybe you should all lay low for a little while. You just literally killed some people. And famous people at that. People will notice they’re missing. They’re very popular. Search groups will be started. OK. Until next time. Then, we will find out who is the ultimate movie bad ass!


  1. I'm sticking with the Fresh Prince!! All the way to the finals!

  2. What about Arnold Schwarzengger? Bruce Willis should more appropriately take on the role of John Mclaine. Jackie Chan should fight Will Smith instead. You got it all wrong, man!

  3. Arnold has been busy governating so he wasn't counted in along with actors with more recent work. I'd be glad to add him in another installment, which I said I'd gladly do if anybody had any more suggestions. Also, you should read parts 2 and 3 before you come to any more conclusions.