It’s time to play that age old game, “Who is the Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?” We’ve all admired the bad asses in movies before and many of us have wondered who would win in a fight between one bad ass and another. Often times that leads the brain to ponder, who is the most bad ass? Who is the ultimate movie bad ass? I was thinking about this on my drive home and decided I would settle the question once and for all. I’m picking 8 actors I believe are probably in top contention. Some were bigger in the past, some are bigger now, but overall I feel these 8 are the 8 that need to be the contenders in the competition. We have Will Smith, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, Harrison Ford, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.
Now, we need some rules for the competition. Competitors will compete in one on one matches. During each match competitors can take on the form of any character they’ve played in a movie. However, once they’ve taken on the form of a character in a match, if they win and move on, they cannot take on that character again. Once is all. So, in their next match they have to be a different character. Or they always have the option of just being themselves in any match, but this is not encouraged. The man left standing at the end of the match is the winner. There are no rules as to what is allowed in the match. Anything that man may acquire he may use in the match. That’s it for the rules. Now that we have those down, let’s see what the matchups are going to be.
Alright, first we got the Northeast Division. Bruce Willis VS. Sylvester Stallone. Bruce Willis has decided to fight as Butch Coolidge from “Pulp Fiction” and Sylvester Stallone is channeling Rocky Balboa from “Rocky”. Quite fitting. Boxer VS. Boxer. They meet in a ring in New York. They touch gloves at the center and the fight is on! They circle around each other for awhile. Butch’s arms are up. Rocky keeps his lazily down by his sides in quite a cocky manner. Rocky starts things off with a couple quick punches. Two in the face. BAM! BAM! Butch takes them, but is a little stunned. They dance with each other awkwardly like a couple of guys at a high school dance that have not yet found out they are gay, and start trading punches. Mostly in the face. Rocky refuses to put his hands up. He won’t guard himself. Does he always box like this? It’s annoying. Does he even want to fight? Butch wonders the same thing.
Why do you want to fight?
Because I can’t sing or dance.
Quoting himself?! Butch gets pissed! This ain’t about the dialogue! This is about the bad assery. He waits for one more of Rocky’s swings, evades it, and comes back with a mega punch! Sending him to the ground! The ref counts and counts and Rocky does not get up. The match goes to Bruce Willis! They realize that Rocky is not only down for 10 seconds, he’s been down for a half a minute. They check his pulse and he’s actually dead. I think technically the rules suggest you should kill your opponent in order to win the match but since we had two boxers it seemed like this one could be settled differently. Oh well, Bruce didn’t do anything wrong. He wins the Northeast Division and will be moving onto the Semi-Finals.
I was just about to say my line, “You know what the difference between me and you is? I make this look good.” But you messed it up!
I hate snakes.
I don’t give a damn. I’m about to frickazee your damn brains out.
Agent J pulls out the flashy thing memory messer upper and closes his eyes. He flashes it at Harrison and stuns him. While he’s stunned Will does a classic Will Smith scream and charges him. He tackles him to the ground and wrestles his whip away from him. The scuffle breaks up and Will rushes back to his gun. Indiana doesn’t know who he is. He thinks he is the commander of some ship off in space somewhere. He’s so confused. Agent J picks up the gun and without hesitation blasts Harrison Ford into vapor. BOOM! That’s how it ends. Will Smith wins the Central Division and moves onto the Semi-Finals.
Welcome to Earth!
That’s the wrong...
I don’t care!
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I may not have a gun but taste this mother fucker!
He draws his light saber. One swing. Right through Jackie’s body. All that is left is a pair of jeans and a small black shirt laying on top of it on the floor in front of Sam. A smell arises from the pile of clothes. Sam smells it.
SAMUEL L. JACKSON
That is some repugnant shit.
Well, he wins the Other Divison and will be moving onto the Semi-Finals. So, we have all 4 of our Semi-Finalists. Bruce Willis, Samuel L. Jackson, Will Smith, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson. Those were some pretty damn good fights but we’ll have to wait until a later date to see the rest of the matchups. The Semi-Finals and Finals will be later on after our champions have rested. Congratulations all. And good luck. We will see you when we return with this competition. And maybe you should all lay low for a little while. You just literally killed some people. And famous people at that. People will notice they’re missing. They’re very popular. Search groups will be started. OK. Until next time. Then, we will find out who is the ultimate movie bad ass!