Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Top 10 Coolest Animal Hybrids I Hope They're Making...Right Now

And now it's time for...


10 - Bearphin: This will be created when a bear (preferably Grizzly) bones a dolphin. This hybrid will not only be super smart but it will be a ferocious predator. It lives in the water, has sonar, and crazy sharp teeth. Acquiring salmon for dinner will be infinitely easier.
Disadvantages: No more scratching it’s back on trees.

9 - Bat Squared: This is a hybrid created when mating occurs between a Vampire Bat and a Baseball Bat. The Baseball Bat must be the male (obviously) and the Vampire Bat always dies upon giving birth due to the sheer size and shape of her baby. That’s why this one is very controversial. This hybrid will be bad ass though since it can suck your blood after it has beaten it out of you with itself. It can fly and it can hit a baseball where ever you pitch it to.
Disadvantages: You can’t cork it.

8 - Grassket: When a grasshopper and a cricket have insex (insect sex) they create a grassket. The plan is for this species to become the dominant one and for the parent species to slowly disappear. This way I don’t have to get aggravated when someone asks me what the difference is between a grasshopper and a cricket and I don’t know. No more worrying, both species combined into one, resulting in me feeling stupid much less.
Disadvantages: They’re small as shit and easy to lose in our lab as we’re trying to start Plan “Grassket Takeover”. What?

7 - Liolope: If a male lion can make love to a female antelope and finish before he eats it then they can create a Liolope. Liolopes are always lion-looking on the front half and antelope-looking on the back half. This hybrid is the ultinate in your entertainment. The front half will chase the back half for hours justt trying to get a bite to eat. Watching a dog chase it’s tail is nothing compared to this.
Disadvantages: They usually starve to death.

6 - Jagwalrus: The parents of a jagwalrus are a female jaguar and a male walrus. This thing will still be fat and blubbery but also fast as hell. It can catch basically anything and it’s tusks can pierce through everything. It looks just like a walrus but spotted. It will stand out from the pack like a god damn pimp would.
Disadvantages: Spotted garments don’t match every mink and pimp cup, creating some hideous outfits.

5 - Beecock: This hybrid comes from a bee and a peacock doing the nasty unprotected. This animal has pretty yellow and black stripes, a beautiful display of rainbowy feathers, a stinger, and a beak. This is the animal most likely to give you a boner no matter what the scenario is. Even if you’re in church and one happens to saunter by.
Disadvantages: It has to give the birds and bees talk to itself.

4 - Shakey Snake: This guy right here is the product of a python and a maraca sexing each other. This basically creates a rattlesnake but bigger. The size of a python. It’s better because it’s bigger. It’s essentially a reboot of the rattlesnake.
Disadvantages: Not everyone likes remakes and reboots. We’ll see what happens with “Spiderman”, a cool ass hybrid on his own.

3 - Gowhalla: This hybrid had parents gorilla and whale. This is basically a whale with a gorilla head, arms and hands and can do sign language. It can grab and pull down boats with it’s hands and eat all the people aboard as they’re sinking. It’s a bad ass mammoth.
Disadvantages: No one else in the ocean knows sign language. Basically a dead language down there.

2 - Dragfoot: When a Dragon and Bigfoot mate you get a Dragfoot. Super dangerous and super sneaky. It’s father (the Dragon) is voiced by Sean Connery so it gets lots of that old Irish wisdom.
Disadvantages: Since both it’s parents may not exist, it may never have a chance of existing itself.

And finally...

1 - Bulletproof Tiger: As popularized by Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) in “East Bound & Down”. He says he needs to become a Bulletproof Tiger again. And with good reason.. They’re unstoppable. The Bulletproof Tiger will become a symbol of nobility, indestructibility, awesomeness, and Boner-Town once it is created. By mating a male or female bulletproof vest with a female tiger this is accomplished. This thing is a killing machine and cannot be killed with mere bullets. Boner-tastic. If you google boner this blog should show up near the top. I say it enough.
Disadvantages: Only comes in orange and bulletproof blue-gray stripes as of now.

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