Saturday, July 23, 2011

Toilet Talk

I’ve been noticing recently we got one of those Non-Flushers on our floor at work. At least one anyway. There’s only one bathroom for all of the 11th floor at my work, so you eventually see everyone on the floor whether you know them or not. You see them in the bathroom. The people you don’t know get nicknames based on their bathroom demeanor often times. There’s Farts-While-He-Pees, Laughs-While-He-Brushes and Paper-Towel-Waster to name a few. I know, they all sound like Native American names. But they serve their purpose. Along with the name I have given to another member, Non-Flusher. His names explains exactly what he is the culprit of. The weirdest thing, he acts as if it’s not a big deal. I’ve walked in the bathroom just as he’s finishing and zipping up. He zips and buttons and walks away. Sees me, gives a slight head nod, continues to the sink as if nothing is out of the ordinary. But something is! You didn’t flush you bastard!

Now, as if that isn’t enough, this guy also doesn’t really wash his hands. I noticed this another time as I was walking in. He turns the sink on, puts his hands near the running water and does a fake “washing my hands” motion, then turns the water off. He totally fakes it! Gross! Also, he fakes it for like 4 seconds. If you’re going to fake it, fake it right. Fake it for 20 seconds! But yeah, he’s a Non-Flusher and a Non-Washer. This guy, ugh! Could it get any worse? Well, it does. Every time I’ve seen him leaving the urinal (and not flushing don’t forget) and I then step up to it, I notice his pee in there. And it’s never anywhere near being clear. Now, I know people’s pee won’t be completely clear. Obviously. But usually, a normal healthy human being, has somewhat clear pee with a yellow tint to it. I was taught at an early age, if you’re pee is very yellow then you are very dehydrated and you need water. This guy’s pee looks like he’s had a week without water. It’s always so yellow. Sometimes even yellow-orange. Looking like someone poured some orange juice in the urinal. The other day, the most recent interaction I’ve had, I saw his pee, and Whoa! It looked like orange Gatorade. That fool is gonna die! How do you live with that little water in your body? You’re pee is orange! Can you even spell water? Below you will see an image I created in order to educate you on the meaning of your pee color. This is good knowledge to have. It’s good to know whether you need to drink more water or not.

OK, so pretty self explanatory, right? You want to be as far to the left as possible. Lower number is better. It’s like golf. However, 3 is fine. That’s like par. Don’t worry if you pee a 3, but if you want to shoot for 2 or even 1, go right ahead. Often after waking up from a night’s sleep, you will be at a 4. That’s OK, your body was just using all the water within to nourish itself. But you quickly need water. So, here’s where I start to worry. This Non-Flusher is never below a 4. Usually he’s a 5! And as I was just describing earlier, he was a 6 the other day! 6? You are one step away from blood in your piss and two steps away from being some totally awesome killing machine. However, don’t be fooled by the word “awesome”. You don’t want to be the predator. The predator has no one to love him. And the predator has weird dreads that look like they’re made out of tubes or wires and just as you’ve decided, “Yeah, the Predator is black. Most probably Jamaican”, he reveals his white face. What? White guy with dreadlocks? There’s nothing more disappointing! So, yeah. You don’t want black piss. But you also don’t want orange piss!

Here’s my theory I developed. I often ran into this one guy not flushing, but also ran into a not-flushed urinal many times without knowing for sure it was him. I assumed it was him, but I ran into it so often I thought, “There’s gotta be at least like one more guy. This is too many occurrences.” I frequent the bathroom due to my overactive bladder (shut up) and I’m pretty sure this guy doesn’t pee as often as I do. No way he does. So, two guys don’t flush on this floor? What if they’re part of a secret club? A secret water saving club. They know if they don’t flush, the next person who comes up and pees will flush. Thus saving one flush and still flushing all the pee. They both never flush but don’t speak of their secret club. They don’t want to spread the word because they still need the Flushers of the world! Less flushes, less water wasted. Sounds crazy...but...why else would this guy also not wash his hands? He doesn’t wash his hands, to save water. Gross, but it obviously does save water. He’s trying real hard. That must be why he’s also not drinking any water and his pee is orange. He decides, don’t drink water, save water. He’s got quite a plan here. All these people in this secret club got quite a plan. Only, what’s the point of saving water if you aren’t using or drinking any of it? Who are you saving it for? Also, you’re being gross! Just flush. Just wash. Just drink.

I mean, if you aren’t flushing urinals does it stop there? Do you also not flush regular toilets? Even after a #2? That’s disgusting. You going to leave a poop in the toilet for the next visitor? What if that has an odd color? Do I need to set aside the pee chart and break out the poop chart? Because along with poop color, comes poop consistency. We don’t need to get into all that. Don’t leave your pee for the next visitor. We got enough people saving water around the world, and with much bigger movements. You can quit it with your secret organization and just flush your own damn urine. And on that note, don’t even start with the poop. Do not leave your poop in the toilet for someone else to see! Take a picture and send it to

Try to make their top 20. Damn near impossible!

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