Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Shark On Shark

Did you know that a male nurse shark has two penises? And a female nurse shark...you guessed it...is the happiest shark in the sea. No, but really, a female nurse shark has one opening and then two vagina pockets inside her body. Both are used for mating. Same with the two penises. Naturally. Now, when I heard about this I took to the internet. The web. The online shark-dick catalog. I’m fascinated by animals and all the differences between them and us, larger number of penises and all that. So, I learned all about that but as I learned...I pondered. What’s this shark’s life like? Is he the most envied shark? Are all the other sharks jealous of him? Or are they relieved because they have less things to worry about whacking on the coral reef?

Also, when hearing this, it made me think that this shark must have the highest testosterone levels of any shark. Maybe that was a stupid assumption to make. Whether it was or wasn’t, it was wrong. The shark with the highest testosterone level, and the animal with the highest testosterone level, is the bull shark. Those things are insane! They’re like the guys at the gym with no necks, and arms larger than your thighs. You know the ones who have 48 words in their vocabulary? And 25% of them consist of one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight (for their reps), protein, weights, lats and a grunt. Now, take five of those guys, wrap them together in a giant sleeveless shirt and they still don’t compare to the male bull shark. Holy shark! Right?! So, who’s jealous of who? The one with two weiners or the one with enough testosterone to lift all of Planet Fitness? And yes I mean the actual planet. Well, the one with two penises is called a “nurse” shark. So, that’s not helping him out too much. He probably gets teased a lot; “You’re a nurse? Aren’t only girls nurses?” That’s harsh. I’m sure the nurse shark just adapted and grew another penis over time to deal with the teasing. “Yeah? Wanna call me a girl again? Well, take your choice. Say it to the right dick or the left dick! Punk ass Hammerhead!”

So, now you got two penises Nursey. Things are going to change. When girls ask you “how big?” what kind of answer you going to go with? “7 and 6” “13 altogether” “Which one”? Hard choices. Hahahaha! That’s what the female nurse shark said! But whatever, small adjustment to make for a big change. Right Nursey? All the other sharks must be jealous. I hear that’s why those Mako sharks jump out of the water and onto boats. Suicide. They are driven from severe depression. Hammerheads can’t even see their own junk. I think it’s impossible. So, they’ll never know what the cold ocean water is doing to them and when it’s time to hide in some seaweed. I wonder if the Blue Whale gets jealous though. He does have the biggest penis on earth, but he only has one of them. And he spends all his time in the cold water. Imagine him on warm land. I bet one day blue whales will evolve and grow legs and walk onto land.....and then tip over. They will learn shrinkage is actually good for their species.

But once those things get on land we’re screwed. Obviously, they’re the biggest animals on the planet. If they start wandering around on land they’re going to be knocking over buildings everywhere. And when they get hungry, what are they going to eat? They are used to feeding on plankton and krill but those don’t exist on land. So, they’re going to be looking for whatever looks closest to that. Which is probably Rice Krispies. The only way a Blue Whale will get full is if it eats all the Rice Krispies on land. Fact! Now, if it does that then we’re all out of Rice Krispies. Now, those elves are out of commission. The only elves left making any food are the Keebler Elves. They got no competition left so they turn into this giant monopoly. They take over all dessert companies. Now, the only way we can get chocolate and cookies is to succumb to buying their now overpriced, yet delicious, products. Eventually, we can’t afford them. Everybody slowly realizes how much we need sweets to operate. Our brains fart, collectively. They are deprived of essential sugar and cannot operate. Nobody can do their jobs anymore. All companies and industries shut down and we eventually reach the demise of humanity.

So, in closing, I would like to make an announcement to the male nurse sharks of the world. Don’t go flashing your thingys around. You’re going to make some species jealous and they will leave the ocean and eventually make another entire species extinct. For the sake of humanity, please keep them concealed. We humans would like to live. We will help you out however we can. Start rumors and what not. That way no one in the ocean will have proof but sneaking suspicions. That good enough for you? I mean come on, you know what they say,”Once you go nurse.......” I got nothing. Change your name or something! I mean nurse? Seriously? What are you, a girl?


  1. hahahah This is awesome. The world will end if whales ever walk among us with their huge penises. I wonder if the Nurse Shark laughs when he gets those Spam E-mails to "Enlarge your penis size!" I'm going to start telling people Nurse Sharks have the average of all shark penis. Therefore no other sea animal will get jealous and it will save the world from destruction.


  2. I mean I'm sure each penis is average size. But when you're able to refer to the size of EACH of your penises...well then you got a different story on your hands.