Friday, July 1, 2011

Reginald Veljohnson Police Department (RVPD)

“Well, hey there, big guy!” Quick question, who said that about a thousand times? Answer: Steve Urkel. Played by Jaleel White. And who was he always saying it to? Carl Winslow. Played by Reginald VelJohnson. Now, Carl Winslow was a man who was many things. He was always fair with his children. He was very strict, but for the good of his own children. He had amazing comic timing. And he was a police officer.

Now, you might be thinking, “Oh yeah, he was the cop that was communicating with John McClane the whole time he was stuck in that terrorist situation”. He was. Reginald was the cop in “Die Hard” but that wasn’t what I was talking about. “Oh right, he was the cop who worked in the jail in Ghostbusters”. Right. Reginald did that. But Carl did not. “Right, right, right. My bad. Turner & Hooch.” No, stop guessing. You just keep guessing these movies he played a cop in. I’m talking about the TV show he played a cop in. “Family Matters”. However, a great point has been raised. Can Reginald VelJohnson play anything other than a police officer?

The answer, I assume, is yes. But he just doesn’t want to because he plays a cop best. Can Carmelo Anthony play a sport other than basketball? Yeah. But he’s best at basketball so he sticks to it. Reginald knows his place. He doesn’t try to play a serial killer. He knows that face is too adorable and loveable to be considered a bad guy. (I love those pinchable cheeks of his!) He doesn’t try to be a real cop. He knows if he tried to mess with crime, crime will throw him in the slammer and mess with him. And we all know that man won’t stand a chance with a bunch of caged up violent men. (They all love those pinchable cheeks of his!) He acts as a cop! That’s where he lives. Pretending to be a cop.

But that’s OK. We love it when people pretend to be things. Like when Hayden Christensen pretends to be an actor. Or when Chris Hansen pretends he’s better than these people he’s catching. Yeah, I went there. I’ll be honest, what he’s doing is not as severe as what the “predators” are doing. The “predators” attempted to kill Arnold Schwarzenegger, Apollo Creed, and have sexual relations with minors. But he’s still cheating. And considering what his job is, that’s pretty ridiculous. It’s not the same thing, but it’s very close. It’s like Door Security letting perpetrators go through the window. Or a helmet that explodes just moments before severe impact. It’s something serving a purpose...but missing the greater purpose.

I feel bad because I loved Chris Hansen. I loved the way he handled the “predators” on the show. He was so smooth and cunning. Always made them feel so dumb about what they were doing. Now, I feel so dumb for thinking he was cool. It’s a similar feeling to when I found out wrestling was fake. Such a disappointment. I’ll get over it though. I still got Reginald. He’ll never do me wrong. He’s not in the spot light enough to get caught up in something like this. That’s why I make sure my heroes are not super popular types. I don’t want them to be the types of people being accused of these scandals and what not. That’s not good for my psyche. My hero needs to be someone who will stay strong. Won’t break under temptation. Hasn’t had a steady pay check since before Jaleel White’s puberty stage. Those are criterion for my hero candidates.

No one else compares. Now, I don’t want to model myself to be exactly like Carl. He had a mom who was sex-crazy and talked about it all the time, as if that’s appropriate for a 90 year old. Also, it’s not believable when her hips are probably as fragile as fortune cookies. He also was married to Harriet who I believe had a mullet for the first four seasons. How do you deal with that? And a daughter who disappeared out of nowhere? Just because she wasn’t popular. As a police officer you should be concerned with missing persons, no? Especially persons related to you.

I think all I’m trying to say is, he can be my hero, but I don’t have to be just like him. I want to follow in his general foot steps. Maybe I take a right at Mullet Wife Canyon instead of diving right in. Maybe whenever my mom talks about sex I say, “Ew. You’re old. And gross. And probably don’t even know the cool positions since when you started doing it they had “missionary” and “the do-it-yourself version”. Maybe I pay attention to all of my kids and don’t pretend I have less than I do. But definitely.....I’m going to be a cop. Or pretend to be one. That’s where the acting work is! Yeah!


  1. I never thought of that! He does always play a cop! Good for him to sticking to something he is good at. I really can't see him playing a villian or even a stock broker on wall street. Be careful if you follow his footsteps. You know he'll win all the Cop acting gigs!

  2. Know what else he always plays? My hero.