Sunday, July 3, 2011

Mr. Toad's Scary-Ass Ride

Often times, you will hear these terrible stories about how someone was riding on a roller coaster somewhere and they were decapitated. Or they weren’t strapped in tightly enough because they were too big and they flew out hundreds of feet up. All these terrible deaths that happen in these roller coasters. And everyone’s always so scared to ride them, with good reason. But what if I told you there’s a ride you can go on in Disneyland where you are guaranteed to die? Would you call my bluff and try it out? Or would you be too scared to get on? Well, it’s true. No bullshit here. If you go on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, you will die.

Ever been on it? First off, it kind of feels like you’re on acid when you’re on this ride. It’s all over the place. I was just on it recently and I can’t recall fully what happened leading up to “the incident” (probably because of the drugs they pump into the room while you’re riding it) but I remember the tail end. Also, I’d like to point out that this ride is for little kids. It’s in a little car, you don’t have to be very tall to ride it, it doesn’t go fast, it’s just a ride that cruises around on a track flashing visuals in front of you the whole way. Totally made for a kid. But apparently, made by a person who hates kids!

So, you’re rolling around in this Smart Car sized ride and then it brings you to some area where something bad happens (again can’t remember because of the drugs). Then, it rolls you up to a judge in a courtroom who is very obviously displeased with you. He bangs the gavel and sentences you to something. You have no idea what though. I’m not entirely sure how the judicial system works, but I think what this judge does is highly illegal. Because he essentially sentences you to roll the wrong way on a train track while stuck in your stupid Smart Car. You find this out only because it is the next thing that happens. You drive right at a train! It blasts down the tracks and right into you! Then, the next room you go to on the ride, is very warm, and there’s stalagtites and stalagmites everywhere, and there’s a red glow to the color of the room.

So, you’re in Hell. You did something mildly wrong, you didn’t even have any control over it. You were forced into it. Then, you were sentenced to a brutal death. The ride kills you! And then it sends you to Hell! You were apparently that bad of a person. Now, imagine being 5. That shit’s scary. You’re probably going to come out crying. With some sort of fucked up lesson engraved in your head. "Don’t ever do something sort of bad or you die!" I bet you don’t realize it but there’s voices whispering in your head just before the ride ends. Just before you see the bright light from outside and realize you’re not actually dead, the voices kick in. “If you want to return to your life make sure you buy lots of souvenirs. And turkey legs from the food carts. And an 8 dollar water that almost quenches your thirst. Only then, we will forgive you and let you return to life.” Then, as you subconsciously start nodding your head you roll up to the ride attendant. “Have a great ride?” “Lady, tell me where the goddamn turkey legs are!”

I’m not like one of those bitter people who hates Disneyland and one ride ruins the whole experience for me. I love it there! We saw Tobey McGuire there last time. So, he must love it too! And who’s more trustworthy than Spiderman? Nobody. But, here’s the thing. That ride scared the shit out of that ride scared the shit out of the little kids. It seems a little too adult for Disneyland. Maybe Mr. Toad shouldn’t be such a sadistic bastard and leave the kids alone. They got Space Mountain for the thrill factor and fear factor and pissed-my-khaki-shorts factor. We don’t need a child’s ride to make us piss our pants a second time. They barely dried up from the last ride. Give me a damn break here!

What if It’s A Small World After All ended with the world actually being too small and the walls started closing in on you and there’s less and less room for everyone and all the kids from around the world took out knives and guns and started chanting, “Kill the kid, cut her throat, spill her blood.”? One - they wouldn’t because Disney probably isn’t allowed to take lines from “Lord Of The Flies”, change them slightly, and use them in their rides. Two - the kids who pulled out guns would be screwed because they wouldn’t be able to cut anyone’s throat with a macmilly. Three - kids would be crying on that ride and never returning! If you’re biggest audience of people you are trying to attract regularly sleeps with the light on, has Mom check for monsters under the bed every night and cries whenever they hear thunder then you probably don’t want to be scaring them! That’s not a good tactic.

Look Disneyland, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your business. You obviously know how to make some money. You’ve been quite successful in the past and I love the park. I’m just trying to say, look you owe me a new pair of khaki shorts. Piss stained is one thing. Double piss stained? That doesn’t come out in the wash. I know. I’ve tried.


  1. Damn that ride sounds intense! I guess it makes sense though being Mr. Toads ride. He is, in fact, a mushroom, or at least looks like one. So its fitting for the ride to be extremely psychedelic and scary as shit. Now to make it a kids ride? Totally messed up. And to make you buy turkey legs at an amusement park, even more messed up. I will sign any petition you make to get your new khaki shorts you deserve!!


  2. ask Mike about that ride when he was a kid.... he will agree with you. ( and i was that bad mom that brought him on it. )