Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Let Me Be Your Doug (I'm Feening For A Blue Friend!)

I’m feening for a blue friend! Lots of white folk like myself are known to be feening for a black friend because they feel it will improve their social standing and general appearance. It’s a pretty weird desire if you really think about it. You want a friend because of the darkness of their skin or because of where their family came from? But I thought about it, and having a blue friend would be sweet! Just like Doug. Remember Doug from TV’s “Doug”? Yeah, he had a blue friend, Skeeter Valentine. They were best buds. And I’m thinking if I met a blue guy, him and I would be best buds instantly. I know that would improve my general appearance because I’d be the normal colored guy hanging out with the weird colored guy. A lot of attention would be drawn to us. Probably negative attention to him since people are ignorant of blues, but it would turn out to be positive attention for me since I’m so willing to hang with a blue and don’t even care. I mean, I hope he would be a cool guy as well. That would be a plus. But not a necessity.

Can it just be Skeeter Valentine? Now, that I think about it he was a fun guy. I liked him. Ever see the first episode of “Doug” where he beatboxes? That’s some rad stuff right there. He does it while teaching Doug to dance. I always thought it was just a stereotype that blues were all good at dancing but I guess it’s true. Yeah, Skeeter was quite the catch. He’d be a good wingman too. You know Beebe wanted him. That purple girl. She acted all tough most times but she wanted the Skeeter. What is it about purple girls wanting to get with blue guys? That’s another stereotype that’s true, which I guess means it’s not a stereotype, just a fact.

And Skeeter had a funny brother. Dale, I believe it was. I actually do decent impressions of both the Valentine brothers. I’m sure I’d be a hit at the Valentine family dinners. The parents would think I’m hysterical. In fact, I got a big nose, can’t I just be Doug? I already doodle in notebooks when I’m bored. I’ve been known to imagine best and worst case scenarios for everything. I even like Patty Mayonnaise. As long as it’s a chicken patty. And I can put some ketchup on as well. You know ketchup and mayo makes most restaurants’ secret sauces? It also makes most Thousand Island dressings you can buy. Just a little tip for you. We call it metchup at home. Sounds weird, right? Well, it is. It’s ketchup and mayo. It’s not fancy. You can’t call that secret sauce. That’s like calling salt and pepper a secret spice blend. Cheap.

But I’m straying from the point. The point is, Skeeter should be my best friend. He could teach me blue culture and then I could turn that around and do blue stuff in front of my friends and wow them. I wonder if he’s still a cool guy. If he’s still the type of guy I’d like to hang out with. I kind of wonder where all the “Doug” cast ended up. I think I was 5 when that show was on and I believe they were all 11 or so. Since, I’m 24 now, I’m guessing they’re all 30ish. Where did they all end up? I bet we can find out.


Here we go! The information I wanted! How did I find that you ask? Shut up! Can’t you just trust me for once? Trust I found this information from a reliable source, OK? Anyway, here’s my buddy Skeeter. He ended up taking those beatboxing and dancing skills and turning them into a career. He’s one of those one-man shows. Dancing and singing and creating the beat to a song all at once in front of large crowds on the Venice Beach. Plenty of passersby stop and watch for 10 to 20 seconds until they see the guy down the street eating broken glass for money. They usually drop Mosquito a buck or two, so you can’t tell him that’s not the life. A dollar a dance? I’ve paid less at middle school dances. And Venice Beach? That’s pretty close to me! I’m excited, I can go find him one weekend and give him my best friend proposal. I’m sort of surprised he moved all the way out here but then I realized I don’t know how far away he originally was since I have no idea what state Bluffington is in. Probably never will. And look at him, still wearing the same clothes as he did on the show. Just like a true cartoon character. Anyway, way to go Skeeter. Glad to see you’re living the dream. You know I hear he invented the Douggy originally, based off his best friend. He taught it to one guy and now that guy’s teaching everyone else and claiming it’s his. Jerk. Anyway, what about everyone else?

Beebe! Remember she was rich? She had that super rich family. They owned half the world and all of Mars or something ridiculous like that. I didn’t even know their was any money in owning Mars. Anyway, she took her inheritance that she got, and opened a Purple People Awareness Program which eventually resulted in March being known as Purple History Month. It’s become really big in some schools across the nation where kids learn what red grapes did for us and why they shouldn’t be called Red grapes. They’re purple, doy! Same with red cabbage. What color wheel did you learn off of in school? They learn about all other sorts of purple culture but since there isn’t a lot Beebe has created a lot just for the sake of this program. She created more purple foods as she felt that was important, which includes purple ketchup, purple bread and purple cheese. The ketchup was a big hit but the bread and cheese just looked moldy and always gets thrown out immediately. Thus, perpetuating the stereotype that purple food will kill you if a purple person don’t kill you first. It’s like that joke, two purple girls and a blonde walk into a bar...eh maybe I shouldn’t tell it. Anyway, that’s a lot for a 30 year old to have accomplished in her life. I wonder if her rich self would still be interested in a poor Skeeter. Also, I think those are pretty much the same clothes she used to wear as well. Not entirely sure. She looks a little more worn out than she used to however.

And then we got Doug Funnie. No recent photos found of him but lots of information on the interweb. He married Patty Mayonnaise, the girl of his dreams, just like he always hoped he would. They got married two years ago. Beebe catered the event with her purple foods and Skeeter was the entertainment. Nobody really came. But it was probably because the invited read, “You are invited to the Funnie Mayonnaise Wedding”. Sounds like a union for a sandwich spread that has gone bad, hence the funnie smell. A past similar event, The Musty Mustard Wedding, proved no one really attends these things. The Musty Mustard Wedding had the lowest attendance of an event since R. Kelly’s “Read To The Teens” group. At least the gang showed up to the Funnie Mayonnaise Wedding. Including Roger and Chalky. The couple moved to Bloatsburg, Doug’s hometown, to raise the Funnie family. They have two kids, Fun E. Funnie and Knots O. Funnie. But moved to Bloatsburg? That’s so far away...maybe. Leaving Skeeter without a bud close by. Skeeter! Let me be your Doug! I’ll bring Porkchop the dog if that sweetens the deal. But not if it sweetens your meal. You know what they say about blue people, name your dog after food and they’ll tell you the name of their next meal!

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