IF SPORTS TEAMS WERE ACTUALLY COMPRISED OF THEIR TEAM NAMES...
- Boston VS. Chicago would either be a baby bear devouring some laundry or a fashion war launched over the question, “Red or white?”
- San Diego would be a bunch of Spanish fathers. Don’t try out for the team unless you got kids. Accidental or purposeful! Don’t matter! Just have some damn ninos!
- Everybody would be like, “Whatever Oakland. You should be athletic if you play sports. It’s sports!”
- Anaheim would be a bunch of Nick Cage’s when he was still sane playing opposite Meg Ryan’s when she was still hot.
- One New York team would be super American, feathers in their hats, calling it macaroni (like a damn acid-head) and the other would be.....I don’t know what.....
- During Boston games not only the fans would be wasted off Guinness, but the players would be too.
- One Los Angeles team would always want to cut your hair and the other just needs to move back to Minneapolis so their names makes sense again.
- Toronto would either rip everyone apart or just not exist.
- Washington VS. Orlando would be kind of redundant. It would be like watching Dick VS. Urine.
- If Phoenix wanted to beat all of it’s opponents at once it would just collapse on itself.
- Denver wouldn’t worry about making money. They are money!
- San Antonio would only be able to win a game if the boot they were on raised up and kicked some ass. Literally.
- New Jersey’s only hopes for winning a game would be if an opponent got tangled up in them and forfeited due to the annoying inconvenience.
- Who the fuck could stop Houston? No one! Not unless you’re James Bond. And the London James Bonds have not gotten their paperwork signed yet so they don’t officially exist.
- Everybody in America would actually love New England for a change. (And I’d be less sad)
- Miami’s main concern would be about the players continually getting caught in tuna nets.
- Dallas wouldn’t be allowed to play Buffalo since they almost made them extinct awhile back.
- Washington and Kansas City wouldn’t care if they won or lost their games since they’d be partying and gambling at their reservations afterwards no matter what.
- Arizona would never have won a single game.
- Houston would just be a bunch of regular fucking guys. Maybe some of them would be good at football.
- Superbowl 37 between Oakland and Tampa Bay would have been a lot closer and lot more exciting. Yargh!
- No one on Green Bay would be allowed to marry their partners in that state.
- Cleveland would be just as shitty since they would all just be clones of the regular guy who coached the team when it first started off.
- Ben Rapeesburger would now have a regular occupation so when he raped and beat girls he wouldn’t get special treatment and would just go to prison.
- Detroit would actually be good and win all their games because what in the NFL can beat The King Of The Jungle?
- A Denver/Indy game would be like watching Daddy spank Junior.
- Philadelphia, Atlanta and Baltimore will all tell Seattle to shut up and that you’re not real birds! They might also say, Ospreys and Skuas are types of sea birds that are sometimes referred to as Sea Hawks, maybe that’s what you mean? Then, they would add, at least you’re not Arizona!
- A Panther is actually just a black variant of either leopards, cougars or jaguars. So North Carolina VS. Jacksonville might be a game dealing largely with identity crisis. And racism.