Monday, July 4, 2011

Fat America! I Could Be One Of Your Kids...

I recently came across what I found to be a very interesting web site. Well, to be honest it wasn’t necessarily the web site that was so interesting, but what it was promoting. It made me realize there was this whole market out there for these particular products and for certain people that I never knew was there. The web site had toilets that supported more weight than the ordinary toilet. There was also ways to reinforce your ordinary toilet to support more weight. Now, I’m not talking just a little more weight capacity. I read that some of these toilets can hold up to 1,200 pounds. 1,200 pounds! Really?! Are we serious, America?!

When did Obese America get to the point that regular toilets were not strong enough? I mean, I realized we had reached the point where one meal at dinner was not enough. We needed the guarantee that we could walk back up to the food and take a second and maybe even a third plate. I even realized we reached the point where motor carts were no longer to be used solely for the handicapped but also the fat and lazy. As much as these people piss me off when they cruise through the mall, cutting me off in their mall cars, and then standing up and grabbing things off of top shelves, only to sit back down again, out of breath, ready to cruise some more...I can deal with them. What I’m not sure I’m going to be able to deal with is people who are too fat to sit on an ordinary toilet and not break it. Come on, man! It’s a toilet! They’re made of porcelain. That stuff ain’t flimsy!

And I better not be getting anything from anyone like, “Some people can’t help but to be fat.” I know that some people have it in their genes and there’s certain things they can’t help and so they’re destined to be somewhat fat. I get that. I also get that exercise is always an option. We had a fat teacher in high school and one time when I mentioned him being fat someone said to me, “You know, he can’t help it. He’s allergic to the pectin in fruit.” Yeah? Is he allergic to the tread on a treadmill? Otherwise, I ain’t buying it. Eating apples isn’t what keeps me under 300 pounds. I run places sometimes. Like from one end of a court to the other. Or on a track. Or to the vending machine to make sure all the little chubbies waiting for their parents at the gym don’t steal all the good snacks.

But that aside, I’m OK with people being a little fat. No problem. I’m not currently in the greatest shape. But when I go to take a poop I’m not worried about if my ass is going to shatter an entire toilet and I’m going to drop two feet to a wet and stinky doom. How can you not prevent getting to 1,200 pounds? Like who are these people who need these toilets? And what does their dump look like? If you need that toilet, chances are you’re going to need to flush a few times before you’re done because you have no ordinary size poop. That’s like big game style there. You probably leave mounds the size of the one the sick Triceratops leaves in “Jurassic Park.” Jeff Goldblum may go searching in your poop for clues as to your origin, fat people, but he is not going to be a fan of yours. And you don’t want to disappoint the Goldblum.

So, here’s where we are with you Obese America. You make sure when you order food in a drive thru you know just how much it weighs. You even refer to it as it’s weight. No longer a burger you’re ordering. It’s a quarter pounder. Now, we’re just announcing how much we’ll be gaining each meal? What else? Oh, having meat between bread wasn’t good enough for you. We eliminated bread and substituted it with more meat. Give me meat in between two meats. I can’t be bothered with three different slices of meat, I need it all smashed together and wrapped up and referred to as a meal. Yeah right, that’s a small Chinese family’s meal. What else? You’ve disappointed Jeff Goldblum and you now need to special order your toilet so you don’t destroy it as soon as you lay cheek on the seat. This isn’t some kind of wake up call?

When I try pairs of pants on that I haven’t worn in awhile and they don’t fit I get very worried. I start hitting the gym more often. When more of me jiggles than anticipated while brushing my teeth I get very worried. I start hitting the gym more often. Your toilet isn’t good enough. You got the one they train circus bears to poop in for yourself. And you’re not thinking, “Hmmm, maybe I got a problem.”? Not even a little problem? This should be your wake up call. I’m sorry if I come off as harsh, but maybe the next time you want to enjoy a nice hearty steak, you should work for it. Chase down a cow, tackle it and wrestle it into submission and transform it into steak yourself. The process will be educational as well as a great workout. While you’re there, squirt out a glass of milk as well. But not 2%. Your ass needs skim.

Let’s go Obese America. Let’s trim down. Let’s rename ourselves, Just Overweight America, at the very least. We’re looking bad in front of all these other countries. Specially made fat people toilets? Let’s scrap that. Go poop in a ditch if your toilet isn’t strong enough to support you. Digging the ditch will be yet another great workout for you. Also, I’m sure pooping in a ditch isn’t much fun. Wouldn’t you prefer to get back to pooping in a regular toilet? So, keep the regular toilet and you can’t sit on it until you lose enough weight for it. That should be great motivation. Going in a ditch is sure to make you crazy. You know the old saying, “Take away a man’s toilet, watch him lose his shit.” It’s a really old saying. Maybe before your time. But you should live by it, because it’s a good one!

1 comment:

  1. And don't forget they even have a Taco Bell commercial that makes fun of fat america. XXL Burrito. Looks to me to be about 5lbs of assorted meats and cheeses. But they make it healthy by adding lettuce. But to your toilets that hold up to 1200lbs. There's no excuse for someone to be that fat! It's not like they woke up one morning and were that large and in charge. I'd say if you are in the 200lb range and you notice 10lbs coming on in a weekly basis you should probably start making better meal choices or start running to your mailbox when your subscription to Star Trek Enterprise comes in. No excuse to be 1200lbs or to break your toilet!