Wednesday, July 20, 2011


Elewaiters. Elewaiters are hardcore elevator waiters. In regular life they’re completely inconspicuous. At the aquarium, in a dog park, at your friend’s party, you can never tell who is an Elewaiter. They only become apparent when an elevator is nearby and they want on. An Elewaiter (as defined by me) is a person who waits for an elevator less than 5 inches from the elevator door. They push the button for an elevator and immediately walk to the door as if it’s already open. They then wait for it without budging. Waiting in that teeny tiny spot they have created for themselves. Sometimes their noses even rest on the door. Often hot breath stains appear on the door as there is nowhere else for their breath to go. As soon as the door opens they barge on. Sometimes with slower opening doors Elewaiters are seen trying to squeeze themselves through an opening smaller than themselves. Elewaiters are pretty fucking stupid. Their IQ is always lower than whatever floor they’re traveling to. Most times there are already people on the elevator and they are trying to get off. This is where Elewaiters become a problem. They think they can get on before everyone gets off. It’s like having a tupperware full of hot dogs and you want to put hamburgers in instead. You don’t put the hamburgers in first then take the hot dogs out. That doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s common sense. Simple math. Basic tupperware training. But above all, it’s elevator etiquette.

Above you can see what you should see if you’re on an elevator and you reach your floor. This is assuming anyone is waiting. This is a pleasant experience. Your door opens and there happens to be someone waiting patiently. They’re in no hurry to get on the elevator. They are quite aware it’s not going anywhere without them. They’re pleased as pumpkin to let you off with plenty of room so you can stretch and exclaim, “Damn that was on sexy elevator ride!” Or do whatever it is you normally do when getting off an elevator. Thank you sir. We’ll call you Bob. Bob here is probably heading up to a meeting in which he will wow some execs. They will be pumped about his plan to cut costs around the office and he will get a promotion. Bob will live a fantastic life. Way to be normal and awesome Bob!

Now, we have another image above. This is an image of an Elewaiter. It might be hard to tell because the image is so damn close! That’s the problem. They wait so close to the door that when it opens all you can see if pores, oily skin, and hair folicles. Fuck Elewaiter, back off! I can smell your hot dog breath before the door even opens. And here’s another problem, what’s this guy going to try to do now that the doors have opened? He’s going to try to get on before I can get off. However, that’s pretty hard to do when I’m right there. Yet an Elewaiter won’t back off. They treat the situation like you’re in the way and they need to plow through you like they’re a defensive lineman. It’s bad enough his face is disgustingly close to me does he have to ram it into my body? Most Elewaiters are so close that their clothing is not even visible. Nor are any of their distinguishable features. Just features such as, how many boogers in their nose and how much plaque on their teeth. Due to this reports on Elewaiters are never solved. People call them in and give all the details they have to the sketch artist but the drawings are never helpful. These bastards never get caught. Unless a giant nose with a pair of chapped lips is running around. Now, let’s call this Elewaiter, Jake. Jake is probably heading up to interview for a position somewhere. He’s going to be uncomfortably close to everyone and jumping the gun on everything. Answering questions before they’re finished being asked. Shaking hands with people before they’ve said anything to him. And he won’t get the job due to his bad interviewing skills. So you can be happy about that. These people usually get screwed over in life for their antics.

But they’re still getting under our skin, aren’t they? They are because the shit they pull is annoying. Listen Elewaiters, ya’ll are turning me into an Elehater! Back off! I shouldn’t be able to smell what you had for breakfast before I can even see you. I shouldn’t be able to tell you don’t wear deodorant. I should not know that your shower consists of AXE Body Spray. And for the record, that’s not a soap substitute. It’s cheap cologne. Get under some hot water and scrub something. Yes, I’m bitter towards these people! They piss me off! Getting in my way! Stepping on my toes! I can’t stand it! And I will not be forced to take the stairs and I will not go to the back of the elevator to avoid confrontation. I’m standing at the very front of the elevator. I’m standing my ground. And when the elevator doors open, if someone is revealed less than five inches from my face..........I’m burping.

1 comment:

  1. holy crap... that is funny. we have some of those people here.. they annoy me too