Elewaiters. Elewaiters are hardcore elevator waiters. In regular life they’re completely inconspicuous. At the aquarium, in a dog park, at your friend’s party, you can never tell who is an Elewaiter. They only become apparent when an elevator is nearby and they want on. An Elewaiter (as defined by me) is a person who waits for an elevator less than 5 inches from the elevator door. They push the button for an elevator and immediately walk to the door as if it’s already open. They then wait for it without budging. Waiting in that teeny tiny spot they have created for themselves. Sometimes their noses even rest on the door. Often hot breath stains appear on the door as there is nowhere else for their breath to go. As soon as the door opens they barge on. Sometimes with slower opening doors Elewaiters are seen trying to squeeze themselves through an opening smaller than themselves. Elewaiters are pretty fucking stupid. Their IQ is always lower than whatever floor they’re traveling to. Most times there are already people on the elevator and they are trying to get off. This is where Elewaiters become a problem. They think they can get on before everyone gets off. It’s like having a tupperware full of hot dogs and you want to put hamburgers in instead. You don’t put the hamburgers in first then take the hot dogs out. That doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s common sense. Simple math. Basic tupperware training. But above all, it’s elevator etiquette.
But they’re still getting under our skin, aren’t they? They are because the shit they pull is annoying. Listen Elewaiters, ya’ll are turning me into an Elehater! Back off! I shouldn’t be able to smell what you had for breakfast before I can even see you. I shouldn’t be able to tell you don’t wear deodorant. I should not know that your shower consists of AXE Body Spray. And for the record, that’s not a soap substitute. It’s cheap cologne. Get under some hot water and scrub something. Yes, I’m bitter towards these people! They piss me off! Getting in my way! Stepping on my toes! I can’t stand it! And I will not be forced to take the stairs and I will not go to the back of the elevator to avoid confrontation. I’m standing at the very front of the elevator. I’m standing my ground. And when the elevator doors open, if someone is revealed less than five inches from my face..........I’m burping.