Monday, July 18, 2011

Door Etiquette

Here’s the thing (some type of thing), we all have to walk through doors in our life. It’s inevitable. We’re not permanent outdoor dwellers. Sans hippies. And we don’t live indoors 24/7. Sans gamers. We walk through doorways often. It’s such a common occurrence we take it for granted. And the thing is, there’s walking through doorways etiquette. Yet, a lot of people overlook this. In fact, it’s not talked about often. So because of this a lot of people don’t know it. It’s kind of an unspoken etiquette but a lot of people figure it out. When walking through a doorway, the first step is to look behind you. You should either look behind you as you walk through or just before. If no one’s behind you, you’re in the clear. Just walk through and continue your awesome life. If someone is behind you.....uh oh. Trouble is abrewing. Time to make a call. How far behind you is this person?

As you can see from the diagram above, the person is 7 feet away from you. They are also heading towards the door. You have the door open as you check back and you can see them, clearly. You can make out their eye color, you know what brands their clothes are, you might even be able to tell what bullshit sign they are due to the stars or whatever. They’re pretty damn close, and a Scorpio! You need to hold the door open for them in some manner. Either wait there like a gentleperson and wait until they’re able to grab the door from you and then head off or do some sort of a reach back tactic. Where you hold the door completely open but your body has completely passed the doorway. You’re body is probably at like a 45 degree angle and you are very obviously inconveniencing yourself to keep the door open for the person behind you. They will normally then realize this and insert a little quick step into their walk to get to the door quicker. Or they’ll be a gaping huge dickhole and take their time. Either way, you got to hold it open in this situation. They are very close to you.

Now, we have another example up here. In this diagram, the person is much farther away. 35 feet away to be exact. Exact! You are either turning around before you open the door or turning around during the opening. But as you turn around you see how far away this person is. And it’s very far away. You can’t tell much details about this person. Eye color, race, gender, it’s all a blur. You realize, no need to hold the door open for this person. I’d be waiting awhile. And I don’t plan on waiting awhile. I got stuff to do. Lives to save. Organs to transplant. Shelves to stock. So, you let go of the door and continue on. Now, the most important part of this is not feeling bad. Once you have let go of the door, no matter what the situation you cannot feel bad. As soon as you feel bad it becomes apparent and everyone knows. And when everyone knows you feel bad they assume it is because you did something wrong. But you’re not doing anything wrong. You’re following protocol. Following the proper etiquette. Just let go of the door and let them open their own damn door! Lots of people do it, it’s not a big deal! They can’t expect you, a total stranger, to hold the door open for them, a Scorpio. I mean, you are a Taurus, and today you are going to have a day where things happen, according to your horoscope. Maybe you should even try new things, it says. But one of them is not holding the door open for an hour so that someone can walk in with both hands in their pockets. Trust me, horoscopes are never that specific.

So, the first two examples are pretty self-explanatory. Someone’s close to you and you’re opening a door, don’t be a dick! Hold it open for them! Someone’s far away as fuck while you’re opening a door.....well then whatever. Leave them in the dust! You don’t owe them anything! Now what about if they’re somewhere in between? As shown above, we have a mid range situation. Hard to deal with. Do you let go of the door and continue on and risk looking like the mightiest of assholes? Do you stop and hold it open? Maybe you look like someone who’s trying too hard to be nice and if the other person is of the other gender...well guess who looks like a creeper? Or maybe the person sees you’re holding it open and feels obligated to put a hurry to their step so that you’re not holding it open all day. Now, you have rushed them and maybe they don’t want to be rushed. You’re good deed has turned into a dick move. So what do you do? Depends on the situation. If you know the person, in any way, even if it’s just a first name, you have to hold it open. You’ve probably talked to them before and you can’t just walk away from them. This is a must mingle situation as much as you might not want it to be. But maybe you don’t know the person. There’s a large liklihood you don’t know them. What do you do now? Take note in their stride. You got like one or two steps to judge. This could make or break you. If you got a fat lady waddling up, taking her fat ass time, let go of the door and speed off. You don’t need to do her a favor and she could stand to open a door on her own. The pulling motion could be the difference of three chins to four chins.

Other than that, it’s all up to you. Check the stride, make an assumption from there. An assumption like “this is going to take too long” or “this will be quick” or “I don’t feel like holding a door open for any mother fucker”. Really, anywhere in between the 12 foot to 25 foot range is too hard to judge. I wish I could help more with this. But really a physical guideline needs to be set. Something on paper. Documented. Get it emailed to the people. Then, everyone can be on the same page. We don’t have to worry about awkward after situations. Getting stuck in an office elevator with someone you didn’t hold a door open for when they think you should have. If it were up to me I’d say, 15 feet and closer, hold it open. Common courtesy. Anything over 15 feet, you’re on your own. Also, there’s the factor which comes into play of, “I don’t have a fucking ruler on me! How do I know how far away anybody is?!” In which case, nobody needs to hold doors open for anybody. It is just a door people. It ain’t no fucking boulder!

1 comment:

  1. My favorite is when you do hold the door open for someone, regardless of the distance, they just look at you like you have 10 heads and continue on.