I headed back to the Mushroom Kingdom a new man. I got all this experience, I could probably do like four different jobs now. But the main job that has to be done is the find the princess. She wasn’t in that last castle so I set off into the desert like some ancient Jew. It just seemed like the right choice. Being raised in a Catholic Italian home I don’t know much about Judaism but I learned a little from Luigi. He used to watch Woody Allen movies all the time, so he knows the basics of the culture, he would say.
Anyway, I’m wandering through this desert and the sun is beating down on me. It’s so hot it feels like the sun is following me around! I think I’m starting to lose my mind. Per usual, I see more ugly muffins and more flying turtles meandering around chomping their mouths at me. But I’m trying not to resort to violence this time so I’m just avoiding them. But these guys are making it so hard! They keep getting in my way! And there’s these other guys that look like some sort of albino turtles that are doing some sort of construction up ahead. I slow down as I see them banging their hammers around, building who knows what?! Then, as soon as they see me approach, they stop! I’m thinking they’re going to let me by so as I start back my pimp stroll and carry on, I’m about to say thank you, when all of a sudden they start throwing their hammers at me!
What the hell?! Who does that?! And these guys apparently have infinite hammers because they won’t stop coming! Hammer after hammer whizzing by my head. They’re relentless. And keeping the same damn expressions on their faces the whole time. Forget no violence! I charge the guys but as soon as I start running a hammer smacks me in the head and I shrink to like half my size! The drugs must have worn off at this point, so maybe it was the sun making me think these wacky things. Anyway, I don’t like these guys so I fly past all the other hammers and jump on the top of their heads, knocking them off their construction job and then I watch them fall into another dimension and disappear off into it. I remember Luigi saying once there was a third dimension, and I was like, “Yeah, right!” Oops. I guess sometimes he is right.
So, now I’m past the stupid hammer guys, there’s much less muffins and turtles and there is a long stretch of sand with nothing else around. But up ahead I think maybe I see the way to the castle. A path I’m nearing. Fantastico! I start sprinting through the sand and then I notice, hey this damn sun really is following me! It’s looking right at me and has an angry face. It starts circling around in the air like some sort of killer bird and then it swoops down at me. I don’t know what to do! The sun is attacking me! It smashes into the back of me and I stop in my tracks. I make a really stupid face as everything else pauses around me and then I fall into the other dimension! No! What’s it going to be like in this other dimension! Am I gonna run into the Hammer Brothers down here? Are they going to be pissed?! I have no idea what happens next but the next thing I can remember I’m standing back at the beginning of the desert where I started. What?!
Apparently, I died! But because I had that extra life it started me over at the beginning. Not like the beginning of my life just at the beginning of the desert. There must be some sort of check points involved with these extra lives that I don’t really know about. Well, whatever that’s good. I didn’t want to start everything back over again. High school sucked and puberty was a bitch! But now I gotta run through this desert again! So, this time the violence is on. I’m killing more muffins than a fat guy at a breakfast buffet. I’m kicking turtles off into the sunset while they roll around in their shells. And yes I killed those stupid Hammer Brothers again. Well, I sent them off into another dimension but that is apparently killing them. Whatever, they’re rude! If you’re going to start throwing tools at someone unprovoked you probably deserve to die. I ain’t gonna try to send them through the legal system and see what they get. Who knows what they’d get off with? Instead, I Mario, vigilante, will kill the mofos.
All the while I’m running through this desert I got my eye on the sun. It’s still following me. I get back to that stretch of sand and I see it doing the circling motion in the air again. It swoops down but I’m ready this time and I jump clear over the sun as it tries to attack me! That’s right! Mario jumped over the sun and you can tell your kids that one! The sun looks sad as I ousted him and I see a single tear fall from his stupid eye. That’s right, shut up. He leaves me alone as I run through the rest of the level, er, desert. I finally find the path I need to get on and happily continue on that. I may have lost my extra life but I feel changed from the whole experience. Stronger. Smarter.
P.S. - Oh and I found a leaf and when I touched it, it made me big again and gave me a raccoon tail and ears. What the hell? This kingdom is filled with all sorts of screwy drugs!