Thursday, July 21, 2011

Diary Entry: 05 - Pills And Monkeys

Dear Diary,

Alright, so I’m still in New York and I’m noticing I’m starting to talk like one of ‘em. The Italian in me gets brought out, but in an undesirable way. Italian is such a beautiful language, when you listen to it, it sounds like someone’s singing no matter what. New York Italian, it’s like listening to the garbage disposal go, except a real nice song is playing in the background. So, you keep listening to hear the nice parts but they’re almost all drowned out.

So’s anyways, I quit that boxing ref job cause I ain’t nobody’s chimp. I says to the guy, I’m reffing since I’m six years old and never have I been treated this poorly. Well, actually they treated me quite nice, I just didn’t like the hint of racism I tasted. It was all very bittersweet. Ah! See what I did there?! A little Italian Cooking with words. Beautiful! But back to the matter on hand, I don’t want to be poor. I came to this city to clear my mind and get my hands on some coins. So’s I hit the personal ads again.

I had trouble getting a job as a chef, I don’t have an up to date plumber’s license, what do I do? I tell you what I do! I’m Mario! I use the old noodle! I fake a doctor’s license because doctors are the second most in demand and high paying job in New York, next to ape tamer. I make up a good doctor name, Dr. Mario. Everyone believes it, they don’t even check my educational background. You tell ‘em you went to school they assume you must have. So now, I’m working at this hospital down the street from the motel I’m staying at. It’s got tons and tons of sick patients so I’m immediately put to work. Well, I don’t know what I’m doing but this hospital pays commission. Every patient that exits healthy, you get a little bit of extra coin. If I can get a hundred coins who knows, maybe I can get a new life! So, I start blasting through these patients! They got different colored viruses and I got different colored pills...how hard can this doctor work be? Match the colors together! What is this, second grade? I thought these guys had to open brains up and take cancer out and flip livers inside out so people can reuse them. This stuff is elementary school style. I’m turning over more customers than I ever did back at the old pizza shop.


Things are going great until this one patient rolls in. He has more viruses than any patient I’d had before. In fact, the last patient I had treated had broken the record but now this guy has like 4 more! He’s crowded full of viruses so I start dropping pills in. Some of them are going the right way but some of them I’m laying down all wrong. I’m feeling a little pressed for time and everything’s moving so fast I can control what happens. Eventually this guy’s virus cavern gets too full. I drop in one more pill, but there’s no more room for it, so the dude just OD’s. It was the worst ever. I swear the viruses grew little faces and arms and started dancing around and taunting me. Little bastards. They just killed this man, yet I’m going to get blamed for it. So, I leave the guy on the operating table and book it out of there. I can’t let them find out about this, they’d probably find out I was a fraud too. I figure, I made some good coinage there. Time to move onto the next money making scheme. The most needed job in New York, also the best salary, ape tamer.

Here’s the thing, I forged a license for this, but I didn’t even need one. They told me upon signing up, if you can dodge barrels that’s all you need. Dodge barrels? Turns out, my first day they already want me to retrieve an ape. The last tamer had let him escape and the ape climbed up on top of some giant weird apparatus. And he was throwing barrels down at everyone coming near him. But what this ape didn’t know is that I got more jump in me than a can of worms. I rush through this apparatus, climbing ladders and hopping clear over rolling barrels (I later found out the barrels were filled with the ape’s own feces. Glad I didn’t misjudge any of the jumps). This ape is trying to knock me off all the while! If this ape touches a single hair on my moustache I will have him clapping cymbals together for the rest of his life! Well, I never hit a barrel but I did slip on one of his banana peels and fell right on my butt. I ripped a hole in my blue jeans and now I am pissed! I charge up to the very top, wait for this monkey to throw a barrel, leap over it and kick him in the teeth. He falls off the giant apparatus, of which we are at the top, and plummets forty feet to his death.

Sounds pretty bad ass, right? Wrong. I was supposed to safely return with the ape so he could continue working at the circus. Instead I killed him. These people are going to be upset. They’re going to be double upset when they realize that I took the money they paid me beforehand and ran away. I’m never quite sure why some jobs pay you half before you even do anything, but God Bless them. As I take off and the circus folk chase me I realize, I made some good coin here. I cleared my mind and I’m ready to get back to my Princess Toadstool. She’s still trapped somewhere with that Bowser jerk. I’ve had enough with these boxers and doctors and monkeys, it’s time to get back to a normal life. A life with flying turtles and walking muffins and fire breathing lizards. It’s time to save the Princess. Oh, and I got an extra life to do so with. So, at least for a little bit....Mario ain’t afraid of death!

But once I die one time...I’m afraid again. Just want to make sure everyone’s aware of that.

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