Thursday, July 7, 2011

Diary Entry: 03 - PCP Stars

Dear Diary,

So, I finally made it out of that smelly castle, only to find I had lead myself to some gigantic mountaintops. When it was I rose this much in elevation, I don’t know. But I ended up being hundreds of feet high! Do these drugs ever wear off? Or am I really doing all this? Also, these mountains aren’t even connected so I’m jumping from one to another just trying to get myself out of this place. Quite another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into. And I’m getting hungry. I haven’t eaten in awhile. What I wouldn’t do for a meatball right about now. I see some more flying turtles and I’m wondering if I can figure out how to make turtle soup. It’s supposed to be good, however at this high an elevation I don’t remember how long to heat water for to get it to a boil. They always list it on the sides of those mashed potato boxes and what not but I never retained that knowledge. I bet Luigi knows. Where is my brother? How come he’s not with me? I literally can’t remember what I was even doing before these diary entries. Life before this diary is a blur.

Anyway, I realize that the turtles on this mountain are red shelled instead of green. I think that means they’re spicier ones so I’m not going to eat them. I just fixed the plumbing at our house, I’d hate to put myself in a situation where I’d have to fix it all over again! And a speecy spicy turtle will probably do that to me! So, instead I jump on these spicy turtles’ backs and it disentegrates their wings off. The ones that are floating carelessly over the giant crevices, which is most of them, fall to a terrible doom. Here I am, Mario, hopping from mountain to mountain, killing spicy turtles, just like Mama said I’d be doing.

Then, off in the distance, I see another castle. As I’m approaching it I’m thinking, I’m not going inside. The last castle was just awful. I think I’m done with castles for now. I’m going to stroll on past. But my stomach starts growling. I swear it growled, “Maaaaaario, maybe there’s some ziti, or even ziti with lines, covered with some marinara up in that castle.” My stomach knows the way to my heart (up and to the left about 5 inches) and I decide I’m going in the castle. Plus, I got no other choice. This mountain doesn’t lead anywhere else. I open up the creaky door and I’m really praying for the ziti with the lines. The lines make it taste so much better!

Bellissimo! Another smelly castle! And this one’s worse than the last. And it’s way hotter. As I explore, I realize the heat is coming from a very unique flooring plan. There’s a lot of stone and then there are some breaks in the stone, which is filled with lava. I understand saving a buck and all the rage with resale value, but sometimes you to draw the line and say this is too ridiculous. Also, there was some dangerous modern art swinging around. These long rods of fireballs are swinging around from the ceiling and the floor all over the place. I get that people want to be different with their art but when it makes it difficult to walk through your house without getting burnt up, it’s probably too much. As one of these ugly museum rejects flails at me I dive out of the way and completely by chance break a storage box of some kind. This thing bounces out and it looks like a star. Now, it obviously wasn’t because when I ate it, things got a little crazy...

All of a sudden I had all the power in the world! Nothing could hurt me! I was faster than anybody and I was glowing! I start charging through this castle, blowing through the conceptual fire art, not even getting scratched. It’s weird actually because as I ran through the fire I did notice burns and cuts appearing on my skin but I didn’t even feel them. Then, it hits me. That wasn’t a star! It was PCP. That’s why I’m invincible! Man, I got to stop ingesting everything I see. People are going to start to think all I do with my life is take every kind of drug available. Turns out that was the last of the owner’s PCP, because we ran into each other and he was pissed! He’s way off in this far away room, breathing fire balls at me. I dodged most of them but even when one hit me I didn’t even feel it. By the way, this guy has what I believe to be a red mullet and green skin. He’s got a spiky shell and fingernails in desperate need of a trim and I can’t help but to think, this guy got picked on a lot as a youngster.

I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt but he’s jumping up and down slamming his feet on the ground like a baby! Still shooting fire balls at me! I’ve had enough. I do a super jump clear over him and land on this ledge behind him. There’s another piece of stupid modern art that looks like a key stuck in the ground, so I twist it trying to break it and out of nowhere the plank he’s standing on gets pulled out from beneath him. He falls into his own poor architecturally designed lava floor. Apparently, the key wasn’t an ornament but a functioning device. Well, I don’t even feel bad. Don’t put it there if it’s dangerous! Then, I hear the voice of one of my friends, Toad. He’s locked in the room in the back. What?!

Turns out this guy is named Bowser, there’s more than one of him or lava doesn’t kill him and he just reappears in different castles, and he kidnapped my friend Toad! I’m glad I dropped him in the lava and messed with his stenchy castle. He deserved it. Kidnapping is a felony. Toad thanks the hell out of me and goes on to tell me that Bowser kidnapped the Princess as well but she’s not here, but in another castle. Now, I’m steamed like a mussel! He kidnapped my beloved Princess?! I’m going to find her and give him a good moustache-punch to the face! But right now, the PCP is starting to wear off and I am coming off the biggest high. My head is throbbing. I told Toad, I’m going to take some time off. Collect myself. Maybe head to New York for a bit, get a job to collect some coin. Then, once I’m ready, I’m gunning for that Bowser! You hear?! I’m gunning for you, Bowser!

1 comment:

  1. Damn those stinky castles! hahah. Maybe Luigi is in New York starting his own Pizza business. Hopefully the two meet up soon! Seems to me Mario needs some adult guidance, especially since he keeps eating everything in site!