The other day I was driving through.....yeah you guessed it, a drive-thru. I ordered my food and rolled up to the window to pay and I noticed a little sign on the window. The sign read, THANK YOU FOR PAYING WITH THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE BILL. Excuse me? I didn’t even pay yet. Are you thanking me for something I haven’t done yet in hopes I will do that? Is that you’re way of asking me? That’s pretty pretentious, don’t you think? Well congratulations, because now you’re getting a fifty for my fries, bitch! Change that! I’m sorry, that’s a little rough. I just get upset with signs and instructions nowadays. I feel like these signs get put up or instructions get labeled somewhere and we read them so often they get engraved in our brains. Now, these things that started off as suggestions or someone’s opinion on how things should be done, turn into The Law. If I drive through that drive-thru enough times I’m going to think it’s common courtesy to pay with the smallest bill all the time. Like it’s something I’m supposed to do. It’s not! I can pay with a larger bill if I like! In fact, most times I pay cash, it’s to get change. I prefer to get more change also. So, I usually pay with the largest bill I have. I do that to get quarters so I can do my laundry. I don’t know how else a person is supposed to come across enough quarters to all the loads of laundry necessary to live a normal life. Five quarters every load? Where am I supposed to be coming across all this coinage? So, I use my card at the grocery store when I buy a new Scotch tape, get eighty dollars cash back, and then I spend that cash on little purchases all week to get some damn quarters! So, yes I like to pay with large bills! And you can’t stop me!
So, they haven’t gotten me with that sign yet. Hasn’t been engraved in my brain. But I know something did get to me. Not a sign. But instructions. Instructions on the back of a bag of popcorn. It’s the part that says, 2 Minutes! Only 2 Minutes to cook a bag of popcorn! You see it on all the bags. On all the boxes. Every brand! 2 minutes! Now, I don’t even have to check the heating instructions for popcorn anymore. I know. It’s automatic. Throw it in the microwave. 120 seconds. However, it’s not the same with mini bags of popcorn. Which I didn’t know existed. In fact, I was once holding a mini bag of popcorn about to cook it, and did not know it was a mini bag. How are you supposed to tell with one of those things? They all look the same size until after they’ve been cooked. So, what do I do? Well, first I’m visiting my friends at their college, in their dorm room, alone. They’re on their way back from something and I decide to cook some popcorn. Pop it in...two minutes. Leave the room while it cooks since I got to pee. And when I come back, of course I open up the door and it’s like walking into Snoop Dogg’s dressing room. Smoke billowing out! Everywhere! The room is filled with smoke! And then it billows out into the communal hallway of the dorm. I immediately close the door and turn on every fan, wave every towel in the air, trying to eliminate the odor. Luckily, none of the smoke detectors or sprinklers went off but the stench stayed around. Burnt popcorn. Everyone on the floor could smell it. And they all hated me!
So, there’s an instance of a sign/instructions really screwing me over. Damn popcorn industry. Trying to break me down! If there’s a food product that should come with instructions to get engraved into your brain it should be chicken. How come when I get a package of chicken breasts it doesn’t tell me, cook until their is no pink left and juices run clear? Hm? Wouldn’t it be great to remember that every time you cook a chicken instead of having to go online and type in, How long do you cook a chicken for? I literally had to do that just now before typing this because I didn’t remember what I was supposed to look for. I always think it’s a universal time and temperature. Not really. Just make sure the shit ain’t pink. And what does the package say on the chicken? Farm fresh. Like I give a damn. I don’t care if it’s from a farm or a city. It’s chicken. It’s not going to taste different because of the environment it was raised in. Maybe it will score higher on it’s SAT’s but that doesn’t make it delicious. And what’s the fresh part mean? It’s dead. Freshly killed? I’d actually prefer not to know that part! Kind of gross. Then, what do they do with eggs? Cage free. Look, telling me they weren’t imprisoned doesn’t make me feel better about eating unborn babies. Doesn’t matter either way on that one. Tell me how long it takes to scramble the mother fuckers! I want to remember that!
Here’s the worst one. And it’s the worst because it’s the most dangerous. The one on the back of big Mac trucks. If you can read this sign then chances are you are driving too close to this vehicle. That thing is way too long. Shorten it down! By the time I finish reading it my eyeball is in the truck’s tailpipe because I crashed into it. I might not even have time to read the whole thing it’s so damn long winded. Want to save lives? Change the sign to, Back Up! People will get it. Whether they figure out it’s because they are driving too close or if they think this truck has explosive or dangerous materials on it, it doesn’t matter. They’ll back up. And you can save more lives. Your current sign is too long to get engraved into a person’s brains. It can get engraved onto their foreheads, literally, because they’re speeding up trying to read the whole thing and smashing into it.
I don’t know if it’s just me or if other people share my hatred for signs and instructions. Most of them bother me. They get in the way rather than help. They mess up my daily schedule. Screw with my routines. They fuckin up the rotation! Well, enough of all that pessimism. Enough negativity. Let’s end on a positive note. You want to see some awesome signs? Some signs that will make you laugh and cry from laughing and pee your pants from laughing and do lots of things due to all the laughing that will happen? Then, you should check out this site. Amazing! www.warningmoon.com
There is also a link at the bottom of my blog. Because it’s that good. Best signs ever!