Monday, July 25, 2011

The Bold And The Alphabetical - Quiet Q

It’s hard enough being a working gal in these times, what with all the sexual harassment that goes on and the unfair treatment. It only gets worse if as a lady you need to depend on someone for work as well. That’s why Q has such a tough life. Early on in her career she buddied up with U, another girl just trying to make it in this crazy world. They were the best of friends. Inseparable. But then soon inseparable became like a prison sentence. However, U does go off and do her own thing from time to time. But that’s because she made it so that she could. Q does not have that luxury. And if Q wants work, U is getting work too. U has weasled her way into almost every one of Q’s jobs, which isn’t many. But most importantly, U was the reason Q can’t get work on her own. Wondering how it happened? It involves some pretty shady shit. Small children might need their eyes and ears covered. Large children...well you’re large. Cover them yourself! Here we go, this shit goes down in two parts. Here’s part one.

INT. CRAMPED APARTMENT - NIGHT

Q, U, Y, K, and W are all unpacking their stuff in this small apartment. They have trouble finding places for all their belongings.

W
I’m going to go grab the rest of my stuff.

W leaves.

U
Q and Y, want to set up the bed? Me and K will unpack the kitchen stuff.

Q and Y nod and head off to the bedroom to set up the bed.

U (CONT’D)
So, W has more stuff? How much room does he think we have?

K
I don’t think it’s much more.

U
Listen, we girls have to stick together. Just because W is the man of the house we can’t let him push us around. He doesn’t get to have more stuff than the rest of us.

K
I thought Y was a guy too.

U
Sometimes Y. Sometimes...not so much.

K
Yeah, I’ve always been iffy with being able to tell what Y is.

U
But listen, W can’t push us around. And I heard him saying he thought you and I were push overs and he was going to take some of our space.

K
What?!

U
Just saying.

W heads back up with one more box.

U (CONT’D)
K, I think Q and Y need some help in there. Could you help them?

K glares at W then nods and heads off to help.

W
I feel bad. I got just one more box. But I don’t know where this stuff is gonna go. I don’t want to take up too much room. I think Y said he/she had some extra room I could use...

U
No, he/she doesn’t anymore. Know who does though is K. I’m sure K wouldn’t mind if you used some of her space. She’s just a small girl.

W
Oh, cool.

W heads over to where K’s belongings are and starts placing his things there. K storms out of the bedroom.

K
What are you doing?!

W
Whoa, calm down. I’m just using some of your space.

K
Oh, you’re allowed to use all that space, asshole?!

W
It’s not a big deal. You’re not going to use it anyway. You’re just a small girl.

K
You cannot just take my space!

W
Why are you bitching me out?

END SCENE.

And it went from there. You can imagine for yourself. Obviously K and W had a big argument. They hate each other now. For awhile they still had to live with each other until they both got enough work to move out. So, the living situation got worse and worse and the relationship between the two worsened every day. And they never found out U created the whole thing. However, Q being the generous girl she is, lended an ear to both K and W separately and asked the two of them what happened. What started things off. Q quickly figured out what happened. She did not tell either K or W in fear they’d be mad at her for talking to the other about this. She didn’t want to bring it up with U as this was a very awkward situation. And she couldn’t talk to Y because Y was so busy with his/her damn “And sometimes Y” campaign. I mean, way to go classifying yourself as the one letter that can be both a vowel and a consonant. Booking yourself more future jobs. Smart. But Y was not a good friend during those times. Y was always busy. These were dark times for Q. She knew what U had done, but was not sure why. Until part two happened.



INT. PHOTOGRAPHY STUDIO - AFTERNOON

About half the letters line the wall waiting for the PHOTOGRAPHER’S instructions. He photographs A, I, N, and T.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Alright, we got the “Down South” campaign finished up. Ain’t was the last one. While we got you all up here let’s get another word in for the next campaign. Save some time tomorrow. K. W. I need you two for “kwaint”. A new word describing a sort of old-fashioned charm or attractiveness. Come on up you two.

K
Fuck that guy! I’m not standing next to him!

W
Listen, bitch! I’m not excited about sharing a stage with you either!

K
Why? Because you won’t be able to take up all my room?!

W
Will you get off that?! You sound like a broken fucking record! Ah! I hate you!

PHOTOGRAPHER
Is this going to be a problem?

K and W turn away from each other. Say nothing. Pouting.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
Really? This is a job people.

U
I have an idea Mr. Photographer. They obviously have some issues to resolve but me and Q could make the same noise when paired together.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Really?

Q
We can?

U
Yeah. I mean, Q alone is just another K. Not much difference on the sound there. Plus C can make that noise too. But pair Q up with me, you can make that kw- noise. And then you don’t need them. Unless of course they’re willing to set aside-

K
Fuck W!

W
Fuck K!

U
I don’t see many other options.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Q, U, get on the stage!

U marches on up. Q, excited but nervous, heads up there as well. The Photographer looks long and hard at them.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
You know, you two do look pretty sexy together. This is hot. Quaint. But hot. You really think you can do this for any other kw- noises? Like kwick?

U
Any of them. We can do it. But you got to put us together. Q alone. I don’t know. She’s probably just going to look like an O with a tail. I think you’re going to want me right next to her at all times so people don’t get confused.

Q hears this and gets a little sad. An O with a tail?

PHOTOGRAPHER
Whatever works. OK. Here we go. 3. 2. 1.

END SCENE.

Action. See how that happened? See how U prevented Q from getting any work without her? And guaranteeing herself tons of jobs. Quite a bitch! Q is thankful for the work. She wasn’t able to make ends meet beforehand. But now she is. The only thing is she always has to be hanging out with U. She’s forced to be friends with her now, but U is just a bitch. No one really likes her. She’s so two-faced and asshole-ish. And Q feels like hanging around with her, everyone thinks she’s a jerk too. She doesn’t want everyone else to think that but she’s in a tough position here. She can’t upset U. What if U pulls some shit and prevents Q from getting any work ever again? Q’s been looking all over for help. For anyone to give her some advice. But who could she turn to? Not K or W for obvious reasons. Y is still really busy. In fact, a lot of letters are busy these days. All the vowels are out doing a lot of work. S is pluralizing the shit out of everything! T is becoming one of the three most commonly used letters in the English language. Even B booked that huge “Bubble” campaign. The kids love him. Who wasn’t busy and knew what Q was going through. Then, one day Q figured it out. U left for a job one afternoon and Q invited X over secretly.

INT. CRAMPED APARTMENT - AFTERNOON

Q and X enjoy a fruit snack of quinces and xingzi, which is Chinese for apricot.

Q
How do you do it? I mean, E is pretty much always with you.

X
Yeah, he kind of made it so I can’t get a job without him. Very rare. Or at least with one of the other vowels. I mean, what starts with X? Not much.

Q
But how do you deal with it?

X
You just got to learn to live with it. He is kind of a dick. He’s just trying to make money off of everything. All he thinks about is money. But whatever, you just deal with it. And you hope for your own chance to shine. I rode that xylophone crap out as best I could but it turns out most people would rather just play a keyboard. And he lets me live with him for cheap. And he bought a nice new place. When’s U going to use her cash and buy a decent place?

Q
I don’t know. But that would be nice.

X
Just don’t sweat it. Good things come to those who wait.

END SCENE.

1990. August 2nd. The Gulf War. Iraq is in the headlines everywhere. Everyone is talking about it. They need Q. Sure the country starts with I, but U is not needed. That’s what’s most important. Q goes to multiple jobs. Q explains the whole situation to I, R, and A as they are rational letters. They totally get it now. That’s what’s been going on! They’re all like, “Don’t worry Q. We’re going to clear your name!” They are quite set on helping Q out. They feel so bad for her for being screwed over for so long. A and I say, “In fact, we got that “Kuwait” job right after this “Iraq” one. Naturally, Kuwait is just as popular as Iraq. Anyway, we’ll tell those guys!” And they do. They tell K, W, and T. It gets really fucking awkward as U is standing directly between K and W. The two she turned against each other. K and W hear the whole truth. And shit get’s really real!

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