Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Bold And The Alphabetical - Jobless J

You ever look at all the letters in the alphabet and think, poor J. Of all the letters I think he’s got it the worst. Think about it. That guy has had countless jobs stolen from him. All stolen from that jerk, G. G got the job on gorilla. Which he should have since gorilla makes a “guh” noise. But G also got the job on giraffe. That sounds to me like it should have gone to J. G got goose. OK. But why did he get gerbil? Another one that doesn’t make any sense. This G guy is a punk. He’s already got enough work, does he really have to steal work from J as well? He's got to make 2 sounds? You ever wonder why J is worth 8 points in Scrabble and G is 2? We make both those noises the same amount of times in our every day conversation. Yet J is way harder to use. Often you pull a J from the bag and exclaim, “Fucking J!” but it’s not his fault. G’s been stealing his work for years. Check out this instance here.

INT. UPSCALE STUDIO - AFTERNOON

A PHOTOGRAPHER stands in the middle of a room opposite all the letters of the alphabet lined up against a wall. On the other wall is a whole setup for people and letters to get their pictures taken.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Alright, everybody! A new species of rodent has been named. We need to get the picture for it. Let me go grab some more film and then we’ll round up the letters.

The photographer leaves the room. Chatter amongst the letters starts almost immediately. G leans over to J.

G
Hey, in case he picks you, you better be ready.

J
Of course he’s going to pick me. The word is pronounced jer-bil.

G
I’m just saying. You don’t want to mess things up.

J starts to get nervous. He panics, looks around, and then books it to the bathroom. He runs the faucet. Cold water should help. As he’s in there, G sneaks over unnoticed and closes the door. He leans a chair up against the doorknob, trapping him. He sneaks back over to the line up of letters. The photographer BUSTS back into the room.

PHOTOGRAPHER
OK, everyone! Let’s do this quickly! I got to be out of here in 15 minutes for a shoot across town! Alright, on the stage, give me J, E, R, B, I and L!

E, R, B, I, and L approach the stage. The photographer looks around puzzled as they arrange themselves in the correct order.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
Where’s J?

Everyone looks around. No one knows where he is.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
No one knows?! We need him for this! He’s the first letter! Damn it! I gotta be out of here in 15!

G
I could step in for him if you need me to.

PHOTOGRAPHER
You? G?

G
I could pull it off.

The photographer sizes him up.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Alright, get on stage.

G smiles in a sinister manner and approaches the stage.


END SCENE

See what I mean? That is some hardcore shit right there! I pulled that footage up from the archives and put it to paper for you to see. Well, I put it to computer screen but I'm really not sure how to say that. Do you just say put it to computer screen? Doesn't sound right. I just like put it to paper better. So, I won't stop saying it. Anyway, I can’t say that’s definitely how G got the giraffe job as well because I couldn’t find that footage, but you can assume it was something equally as sinister. G's taking over the animal kingdom. Think about it, what animal starts with J? Jackass? Thanks for leaving me that one, G! Now, naturally J was disheartened by all of this and turned to his friend, P. P always had good advice to give.


INT. P’S BEDROOM - NIGHT

P and J are hanging out. Chillin’ like two villains, stole from an armored truck like Matt Dillon.

J
What do I do? I really needed those jobs.

P
You’ll get some more jobs, don’t worry.

J
Jobs have been a little hard to come by these days.

P
So, then you make up your own jobs. You think “pneumonia” needs to start with a P? Hell no! I convinced them that the silent P was necessary. Learned that shit from E.

J
Yeah, he’s smart. He gets more work than anybody.

P
And you know we don’t need double letters in the English language, right? Totally unnecessary. Take “happen” for instance. They were going to use one P, I convinced them they needed to two, double pay day bitch!

J
That makes a lot of sense...

END SCENE

J had a lot to think about. He was given a lot of good advice. Silent P. Double P. Good tricks. He should be able to make them work for him. He was feeling a lot more confident now. He had a shoot tomorrow he was going to rock! G won't even be there, he has no need to be there. So, he can't screw J over. And this is a shoot for some type of food. J is pumped. The residuals off the foods are usually mega-sized! This is going to be J's time to shine.

INT. JINJER PHOTOSHOOT - THE NEXT DAY

J, I, N, E, and R are getting hair and make up done. The Photographer walks up to them.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Everybody ready?

J
Yeah, hey I had a question. Don’t you think jinjer should be spelled J-I-N-J-J-E-R? You know? Give it a little more spice?

PHOTOGRAPHER
Jinjer already has enough spice. Anymore and it would be too spicy. People would stop cooking with it and making houses out of it’s bread. We’re going to leave it as is.

J
I don’t know. I think this is a double letter scenario.

PHOTOGRAPHER
You’re already starting the word off and you want to double up in the middle? You trying to scam me for extra money?

J
I just thought it could use it...

PHOTOGRAPHER
No! You’re trying to get more money out of this deal! No one scams me! G! I need you!

G comes out from behind a curtain, lit cigar in mouth, holding a glass of Whiskey.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
We’re kicking J off. He’s being ridiculous. We need you to cover.

G
I’ll be ready in ten. Give me a bit to tend to some unfinished business.

O and A peek out from behind the curtain, giggling.

G (CONT’D)
Oh, I’m coming back for you two!

G charges back in. O and A giggle and hide behind the curtain. G slams the curtain shut behind him. J is astonished.

PHOTOGRAPHER
J, get out of here. Take the day off. Cool out for a bit. We’ll call you when we need you.

END SCENE

Not only is G taking all of J’s jobs but he’s spending time behind curtains with the vowels?! Dirty slut! J is getting really upset. And also he’s getting really desperate for money. He hasn’t had good paying work since the “job market crash” ironically. But he wasn’t going to let this stand in his way. Just a minor set back. He had a new plan.

INT. DOCTOR’S OFFICE - LATER

J sits down across the DOCTOR. The Doctor seems confused.

DOCTOR
I’m sorry, what is it you’re trying to sell me?

J
No, I’m not selling you anything. I’m just saying, that new disease you discovered...

DOCTOR
Lisserteen?

J
Yes. I know the official spelling of this is going to be submitted soon as you will be releasing the information of this disease today. I was just thinking, why not give this disease some pizazz? Why not start it off with a silent J?

DOCTOR
Silent J? No, I don’t think so.

J
Oh, come on! Don’t you think it would be awesome with a silent J? It would really make it stand out from the crowd. People would love it.

DOCTOR
OK, first off, no one should love it. It’s a disease. And secondly, adding a silent J will make it harder to find online or in a medical book or anything because people won’t be expecting it. We want information on this disease to be easily accessible. We won’t want anyone having trouble finding it as it is a deadly disease.

J
What about pneumonia?

DOCTOR
If pneumonia started with an N like it should, more people would have been able to find information on it online and their lives would have been saved. The silent P is a silent killer! We in the medical profession hate the silent P, and all silent letters for that matter!

J
So, you’re ruling no on this one?

END SCENE

Things are just not going well for J. Rent’s coming up on the first, his utilities are due soon and he doesn’t have much money saved up. He tried scouting all over town for work. He couldn’t find anything. He’s jobless, broke, and doesn’t really have anywhere to turn to. Depressed he decides he’s just going to watch some TV. He turns it on, his favorite show is on, but it immediately goes to commercial. Figures. But what is this? A commercial for a brand new game that is taking the nation by storm! It’s super popular, no one saw it coming, just came out of nowhere. It’s everywhere. It’s...Jenga!

J (CONT’D)
I forgot I did that shoot. Time for some residuals, bitches!

3 comments:

  1. BAHAHAHAH I don't even have a smart comment. This is freaking hilarious! How the hell did you come up with this idea?! Awesome. Hopefully there will be a sequel to this. I feel bad for J. he should go hang out with X or Z.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Thank you.
    There will be others. Soon to come, on The Bold And The Alphabetical.

    ReplyDelete
  3. this was AWESOME... how does your brain work...i love it

    ReplyDelete