Sunday, July 31, 2011

The Top 10 Coolest Animal Hybrids I Hope They're Making...Right Now

And now it's time for...

THE TOP 10 COOLEST ANIMAL HYBRIDS I HOPE THEY’RE MAKING...RIGHT NOW

10 - Bearphin: This will be created when a bear (preferably Grizzly) bones a dolphin. This hybrid will not only be super smart but it will be a ferocious predator. It lives in the water, has sonar, and crazy sharp teeth. Acquiring salmon for dinner will be infinitely easier.
Disadvantages: No more scratching it’s back on trees.

9 - Bat Squared: This is a hybrid created when mating occurs between a Vampire Bat and a Baseball Bat. The Baseball Bat must be the male (obviously) and the Vampire Bat always dies upon giving birth due to the sheer size and shape of her baby. That’s why this one is very controversial. This hybrid will be bad ass though since it can suck your blood after it has beaten it out of you with itself. It can fly and it can hit a baseball where ever you pitch it to.
Disadvantages: You can’t cork it.

8 - Grassket: When a grasshopper and a cricket have insex (insect sex) they create a grassket. The plan is for this species to become the dominant one and for the parent species to slowly disappear. This way I don’t have to get aggravated when someone asks me what the difference is between a grasshopper and a cricket and I don’t know. No more worrying, both species combined into one, resulting in me feeling stupid much less.
Disadvantages: They’re small as shit and easy to lose in our lab as we’re trying to start Plan “Grassket Takeover”. What?

7 - Liolope: If a male lion can make love to a female antelope and finish before he eats it then they can create a Liolope. Liolopes are always lion-looking on the front half and antelope-looking on the back half. This hybrid is the ultinate in your entertainment. The front half will chase the back half for hours justt trying to get a bite to eat. Watching a dog chase it’s tail is nothing compared to this.
Disadvantages: They usually starve to death.

6 - Jagwalrus: The parents of a jagwalrus are a female jaguar and a male walrus. This thing will still be fat and blubbery but also fast as hell. It can catch basically anything and it’s tusks can pierce through everything. It looks just like a walrus but spotted. It will stand out from the pack like a god damn pimp would.
Disadvantages: Spotted garments don’t match every mink and pimp cup, creating some hideous outfits.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

This Post Is Mainly About Urination

Alright, so this post I am writing on a plane. Flying back to New Hampshire, as I mentioned in my last post. http://www.steveinevitable.com/2011/07/new-hampshire-bound.html

GUY WHO’S ALWAYS RIGHT
He referenced himself on his own blog! Baller!

That’s right. Anyway, I was waiting for the plane to take off, so I started looking through Sky Mall magazine. I love looking through that magazine. Reading that magazine on a plane has been the highlight of at least half of my trips. I think it’s the only magazine where I can be laughing my ass off at the ridiculousness on one page. Flip to the next, and genuinely say, “Oh, now that’s cool. I’m going to buy that.” You ever leaf through one of those things? It’s like listening to someone who is bipolar spew off ideas for products for an hour. Only you’re reading it. “Oh, a knife that melts away fingerprints from the handle? That’s interesting. Why would you want that? Oh, and a stuffed animal that hugs you back? That’s cool. Oh, and a silencer for a grenade? I don’t know how that will work...”

There’s always a few gems in that magazine. For instance, I think the product that has been in every Sky Mall magazine I’ve ever read and will continue to be in every one, is the indoor doggy dump station or whatever the funk it is. That strip of fake grass that dogs pee on. But you leave it in your house so the dog can go over and pee or poop whenever. You don’t have to walk it outside. Alright, I see the benefit, but how about the fact that now your dog thinks it’s cool to go potty in the house. I get the dog is supposed to only go on the grass, but that’s why the grass is outside. In case, he goes next to the grass. Outside that’s the road. Not a problem. Inside that’s your hardwood floor. Or in your shoes. Now you got a problem. And even if the dog is trained very well and only goes on the fake grass, cool. Now, he only goes on the fake grass in your house. IN YOUR HOUSE! That shit is gonna wreak! It’s in your house, man! We go in the house, but in a toilet. Then, we flush it far, far away from our noses. If you go piss in the corner of the room, rest assured, your house will start to smell like piss. Same if a dog goes in the house buddy. I don’t know, that thing makes little to no sense to me. Just take the dog outside. Do you live in a nuclear blast zone? Or Antarctica? Probably not. Venture outdoors, you’ll live. In fact, the experience might be life changing for your indoor ass.

Then, they got the temple and eye massager. The thing that looks like Cyclops’s eye guard. Alright, so if I put that thing on, when I take it off I gotta keep my eyes closed, right? Or else red beams shoot out everywhere and I destroy everything? No thanks. And they got the 40 inch foldable home photo studio thing. Made of that white papery junk they put behind models and what not to get the right lighting for the shot. Only this thing is 40 inches. So, now I can take all my professional photos of children and midgets and lamps at home! The example they show is of the lamp. Sweet! Taking fucking pictures of lamps! My life is awesome! My favorite things to do are also collect stamps, watch infomercials and eat blandcakes. Because I’m the least interesting man in the world. I probably once tasted Dos Equis and just went, “Yuck. No. Not for me.” And the only other examples I could think of for what to take a picture of in that 40 inch limit would be kids and midgets. Amazing hobbies I have.

Friday, July 29, 2011

New Hampshire Bound

OK, so I’m going to be honest here, I did not have a post prepared for this morning. I am about to depart the lovely state of California to head home to the almost as lovely state of New Hampshire. I’ve been doing a lot, getting ready, packing and junk. I hadn’t prepared what post I was going to do for the morning I leave. I think I was just so preoccupied with New Hampshire and all it has to offer.

Like the state flower for example. The purple lilac. Or the state bird. The purple finch. Double purple right there! New Hampshire is a purple state. Ever wonder about which are red states and which are blue states? And then get to New Hampshire and can’t figure it out? That’s because it’s a combo of the two. Purple.

I think New Hampshire is the only state with a purple state bird. Which is cool, makes it unique. I was once looking up other state birds and stuff and came across Delaware and saw that they have a state drink. A state drink? Who has that? Guess what it is. Well, I’m not letting you guess I’m just telling you. It’s milk. How stupid! I love milk but I think that is dumb. First of all, you are the only state with a state drink (I’m pretty sure, I looked for other ones with no luck). Why do you guys have one? Was it because you were the first state of the union and when you were established you were all like, “OK, we’re gonna pick a fucking bird, a fucking flower, and a god damn drink!” Then, after it was set in stone, or whatever they wrote on in those days (papyrus?), all the other states were like, “Eh, we’ll do a bird and a flower but a drink? No thank you.” Then, Delaware got screwed over? But my second point, would be, if you’re going to have a state drink make it cool. Make it a baller drink. Like Hennessee. Or a Long Island Iced Tea. Or beer. Or even a damn Arnold Palmer. But milk? You chose a step up from water. That’s it. That’s one of the most boring state drinks you could choose. And it’s not like there weren’t any available! You had every drink to choose from! Come on Delaware!

Thursday, July 28, 2011

Diary Entry: 06 - The Sun Is A Bitch!

Dear Diary,

I headed back to the Mushroom Kingdom a new man. I got all this experience, I could probably do like four different jobs now. But the main job that has to be done is the find the princess. She wasn’t in that last castle so I set off into the desert like some ancient Jew. It just seemed like the right choice. Being raised in a Catholic Italian home I don’t know much about Judaism but I learned a little from Luigi. He used to watch Woody Allen movies all the time, so he knows the basics of the culture, he would say.

Anyway, I’m wandering through this desert and the sun is beating down on me. It’s so hot it feels like the sun is following me around! I think I’m starting to lose my mind. Per usual, I see more ugly muffins and more flying turtles meandering around chomping their mouths at me. But I’m trying not to resort to violence this time so I’m just avoiding them. But these guys are making it so hard! They keep getting in my way! And there’s these other guys that look like some sort of albino turtles that are doing some sort of construction up ahead. I slow down as I see them banging their hammers around, building who knows what?! Then, as soon as they see me approach, they stop! I’m thinking they’re going to let me by so as I start back my pimp stroll and carry on, I’m about to say thank you, when all of a sudden they start throwing their hammers at me!

What the hell?! Who does that?! And these guys apparently have infinite hammers because they won’t stop coming! Hammer after hammer whizzing by my head. They’re relentless. And keeping the same damn expressions on their faces the whole time. Forget no violence! I charge the guys but as soon as I start running a hammer smacks me in the head and I shrink to like half my size! The drugs must have worn off at this point, so maybe it was the sun making me think these wacky things. Anyway, I don’t like these guys so I fly past all the other hammers and jump on the top of their heads, knocking them off their construction job and then I watch them fall into another dimension and disappear off into it. I remember Luigi saying once there was a third dimension, and I was like, “Yeah, right!” Oops. I guess sometimes he is right.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Who Is The Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?

It’s time to play that age old game, “Who is the Ultimate Movie Bad Ass?” We’ve all admired the bad asses in movies before and many of us have wondered who would win in a fight between one bad ass and another. Often times that leads the brain to ponder, who is the most bad ass? Who is the ultimate movie bad ass? I was thinking about this on my drive home and decided I would settle the question once and for all. I’m picking 8 actors I believe are probably in top contention. Some were bigger in the past, some are bigger now, but overall I feel these 8 are the 8 that need to be the contenders in the competition. We have Will Smith, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Vin Diesel, Harrison Ford, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

Now, we need some rules for the competition. Competitors will compete in one on one matches. During each match competitors can take on the form of any character they’ve played in a movie. However, once they’ve taken on the form of a character in a match, if they win and move on, they cannot take on that character again. Once is all. So, in their next match they have to be a different character. Or they always have the option of just being themselves in any match, but this is not encouraged. The man left standing at the end of the match is the winner. There are no rules as to what is allowed in the match. Anything that man may acquire he may use in the match. That’s it for the rules. Now that we have those down, let’s see what the matchups are going to be.

Here you can see the bracket. I decided to match people mainly based off of the rules of geography, as most sports leagues do. I used everyone’s places of origin or where they grew up. However, Vin Diesel and Sylvester Stallone are both from New York City. I decided I didn’t want a New York battle so I treated the whole bracket as if it were the NFL. How the Jets and the Giants are separated in the AFC and NFC, respectively. So, Vin and Sylvester wouldn’t be matching up against each other. Sylvester Stallone and Bruce Willis are geographically close to each other, as Bruce Willis grew up in New Jersey. So, that’s the Northeast division up there on the top right. The bottom left division is the Central division. This is Will Smith, from West Philadelphia born and raised, VS. Harrison Ford, from Chicago Illinois. They were close to each other so they are matched up against each other. Now, Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is from California and no one is really near there in this bracket. So, since Vin Diesel is the leftover New Yorker I decided those two could match up against each other. Kind of far away but whatever, a lot of times the divisions in the NFL and NBA don’t make a lot of sense geographically. There they are on the top left and this works out pretty well because now they get a rematch after “Fast Five”. That’s why this is the Fast Five division. And lastly, on the bottom right we have Samuel L. Jackson, raised in Tennessee VS. Jackie Chan, from Hong Kong. They were the last two left. So, they’re just in the Other division. Alright, this bracket is all set to go! Let’s get these matches started!

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Let Me Be Your Doug (I'm Feening For A Blue Friend!)

I’m feening for a blue friend! Lots of white folk like myself are known to be feening for a black friend because they feel it will improve their social standing and general appearance. It’s a pretty weird desire if you really think about it. You want a friend because of the darkness of their skin or because of where their family came from? But I thought about it, and having a blue friend would be sweet! Just like Doug. Remember Doug from TV’s “Doug”? Yeah, he had a blue friend, Skeeter Valentine. They were best buds. And I’m thinking if I met a blue guy, him and I would be best buds instantly. I know that would improve my general appearance because I’d be the normal colored guy hanging out with the weird colored guy. A lot of attention would be drawn to us. Probably negative attention to him since people are ignorant of blues, but it would turn out to be positive attention for me since I’m so willing to hang with a blue and don’t even care. I mean, I hope he would be a cool guy as well. That would be a plus. But not a necessity.

Can it just be Skeeter Valentine? Now, that I think about it he was a fun guy. I liked him. Ever see the first episode of “Doug” where he beatboxes? That’s some rad stuff right there. He does it while teaching Doug to dance. I always thought it was just a stereotype that blues were all good at dancing but I guess it’s true. Yeah, Skeeter was quite the catch. He’d be a good wingman too. You know Beebe wanted him. That purple girl. She acted all tough most times but she wanted the Skeeter. What is it about purple girls wanting to get with blue guys? That’s another stereotype that’s true, which I guess means it’s not a stereotype, just a fact.

And Skeeter had a funny brother. Dale, I believe it was. I actually do decent impressions of both the Valentine brothers. I’m sure I’d be a hit at the Valentine family dinners. The parents would think I’m hysterical. In fact, I got a big nose, can’t I just be Doug? I already doodle in notebooks when I’m bored. I’ve been known to imagine best and worst case scenarios for everything. I even like Patty Mayonnaise. As long as it’s a chicken patty. And I can put some ketchup on as well. You know ketchup and mayo makes most restaurants’ secret sauces? It also makes most Thousand Island dressings you can buy. Just a little tip for you. We call it metchup at home. Sounds weird, right? Well, it is. It’s ketchup and mayo. It’s not fancy. You can’t call that secret sauce. That’s like calling salt and pepper a secret spice blend. Cheap.

But I’m straying from the point. The point is, Skeeter should be my best friend. He could teach me blue culture and then I could turn that around and do blue stuff in front of my friends and wow them. I wonder if he’s still a cool guy. If he’s still the type of guy I’d like to hang out with. I kind of wonder where all the “Doug” cast ended up. I think I was 5 when that show was on and I believe they were all 11 or so. Since, I’m 24 now, I’m guessing they’re all 30ish. Where did they all end up? I bet we can find out.

Monday, July 25, 2011

The Bold And The Alphabetical - Quiet Q

It’s hard enough being a working gal in these times, what with all the sexual harassment that goes on and the unfair treatment. It only gets worse if as a lady you need to depend on someone for work as well. That’s why Q has such a tough life. Early on in her career she buddied up with U, another girl just trying to make it in this crazy world. They were the best of friends. Inseparable. But then soon inseparable became like a prison sentence. However, U does go off and do her own thing from time to time. But that’s because she made it so that she could. Q does not have that luxury. And if Q wants work, U is getting work too. U has weasled her way into almost every one of Q’s jobs, which isn’t many. But most importantly, U was the reason Q can’t get work on her own. Wondering how it happened? It involves some pretty shady shit. Small children might need their eyes and ears covered. Large children...well you’re large. Cover them yourself! Here we go, this shit goes down in two parts. Here’s part one.

INT. CRAMPED APARTMENT - NIGHT

Q, U, Y, K, and W are all unpacking their stuff in this small apartment. They have trouble finding places for all their belongings.

W
I’m going to go grab the rest of my stuff.

W leaves.

U
Q and Y, want to set up the bed? Me and K will unpack the kitchen stuff.

Q and Y nod and head off to the bedroom to set up the bed.

U (CONT’D)
So, W has more stuff? How much room does he think we have?

K
I don’t think it’s much more.

U
Listen, we girls have to stick together. Just because W is the man of the house we can’t let him push us around. He doesn’t get to have more stuff than the rest of us.

K
I thought Y was a guy too.

U
Sometimes Y. Sometimes...not so much.

K
Yeah, I’ve always been iffy with being able to tell what Y is.

U
But listen, W can’t push us around. And I heard him saying he thought you and I were push overs and he was going to take some of our space.

K
What?!

U
Just saying.

W heads back up with one more box.

U (CONT’D)
K, I think Q and Y need some help in there. Could you help them?

K glares at W then nods and heads off to help.

W
I feel bad. I got just one more box. But I don’t know where this stuff is gonna go. I don’t want to take up too much room. I think Y said he/she had some extra room I could use...

U
No, he/she doesn’t anymore. Know who does though is K. I’m sure K wouldn’t mind if you used some of her space. She’s just a small girl.

W
Oh, cool.

W heads over to where K’s belongings are and starts placing his things there. K storms out of the bedroom.

K
What are you doing?!

W
Whoa, calm down. I’m just using some of your space.

K
Oh, you’re allowed to use all that space, asshole?!

W
It’s not a big deal. You’re not going to use it anyway. You’re just a small girl.

K
You cannot just take my space!

W
Why are you bitching me out?

END SCENE.

And it went from there. You can imagine for yourself. Obviously K and W had a big argument. They hate each other now. For awhile they still had to live with each other until they both got enough work to move out. So, the living situation got worse and worse and the relationship between the two worsened every day. And they never found out U created the whole thing. However, Q being the generous girl she is, lended an ear to both K and W separately and asked the two of them what happened. What started things off. Q quickly figured out what happened. She did not tell either K or W in fear they’d be mad at her for talking to the other about this. She didn’t want to bring it up with U as this was a very awkward situation. And she couldn’t talk to Y because Y was so busy with his/her damn “And sometimes Y” campaign. I mean, way to go classifying yourself as the one letter that can be both a vowel and a consonant. Booking yourself more future jobs. Smart. But Y was not a good friend during those times. Y was always busy. These were dark times for Q. She knew what U had done, but was not sure why. Until part two happened.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

X's And O's

XOXO. Apparently I just kissed and hugged you. And then kissed and hugged you again. Why is that? Why is an X a kiss and an O a hug? And sorry if we don’t know each other too well and you’re weirded out by all the affection. But seriously, X’s and O’s have represented kisses and hugs for as long as I can remember. Do they still mean the same when on their own? “XXX” usually doesn’t mean 3 kisses. It usually means something else. Something beyond kissing. And “OOO” usually isn’t three hugs. I think “OOO” is a moan that is exclaimed, usually from a lot of “XXX”. But together XOXO kisses and hugs. I’ve been trying to figure this out and I think I’ve come up with a solution.

X, if split in half, looks like > <, more or less. Now, each one of those things could be someone’s mouth I suppose. They’re pointing right at each other and when pressed together, X, now those two mouths are kissing. What about O? My theory on this, is that this is what a hug looks like from an aerial view. Say you’re a bird or an astronaut and you look down and see someone hugging another person. With their arms wrapped completely around the person and touching on the back it might look like O. Now, I suppose that’s probably only if the person is thin enough for you to fit your arms around them entirely. If you can’t, your arms won’t connect but will come close, and it will probably look like U. So, XUXU is probably kisses and hugs to a fat person. Chubby chasers, start signing your romantic letters accordingly.

But what about other actions? Handshakes and high fives? Bumps and grinds? Do they have letters assigned to them? I don’t think they do so here we go. Naturally I will assign B to bump and G grind. Handshakes and high fives is a trickier business. They both start with H so I can’t use that for either or it will be confusing. So S will be handShakes and F with be high Fives. And then of course, the most important form of human contact. I. The one that is sought after more than any other form of contact. Intercourse. I is for intercourse. Now, how do all of these play in part with one another? Do they have effects on one another? Oh you bet your A they do.

Check out that fucking awesome graph above that I whipped up in less than 10 minutes. I know, it shows. On the X axis you will see it shows the number of times you X and O. The Y axis shows your chances at I. The graph clearly shows the more you X and O the better your chances are at I. Simple enough. A more detailed look shows that once you reach 10 X’s and O’s your chances grow quicker with each additional X and O. And then again once you reach 30. Basically after 30 X’s and O’s have been completed your chances sky rocket. It makes perfect sense. Let’s try another one.

Saturday, July 23, 2011

Toilet Talk

I’ve been noticing recently we got one of those Non-Flushers on our floor at work. At least one anyway. There’s only one bathroom for all of the 11th floor at my work, so you eventually see everyone on the floor whether you know them or not. You see them in the bathroom. The people you don’t know get nicknames based on their bathroom demeanor often times. There’s Farts-While-He-Pees, Laughs-While-He-Brushes and Paper-Towel-Waster to name a few. I know, they all sound like Native American names. But they serve their purpose. Along with the name I have given to another member, Non-Flusher. His names explains exactly what he is the culprit of. The weirdest thing, he acts as if it’s not a big deal. I’ve walked in the bathroom just as he’s finishing and zipping up. He zips and buttons and walks away. Sees me, gives a slight head nod, continues to the sink as if nothing is out of the ordinary. But something is! You didn’t flush you bastard!

Now, as if that isn’t enough, this guy also doesn’t really wash his hands. I noticed this another time as I was walking in. He turns the sink on, puts his hands near the running water and does a fake “washing my hands” motion, then turns the water off. He totally fakes it! Gross! Also, he fakes it for like 4 seconds. If you’re going to fake it, fake it right. Fake it for 20 seconds! But yeah, he’s a Non-Flusher and a Non-Washer. This guy, ugh! Could it get any worse? Well, it does. Every time I’ve seen him leaving the urinal (and not flushing don’t forget) and I then step up to it, I notice his pee in there. And it’s never anywhere near being clear. Now, I know people’s pee won’t be completely clear. Obviously. But usually, a normal healthy human being, has somewhat clear pee with a yellow tint to it. I was taught at an early age, if you’re pee is very yellow then you are very dehydrated and you need water. This guy’s pee looks like he’s had a week without water. It’s always so yellow. Sometimes even yellow-orange. Looking like someone poured some orange juice in the urinal. The other day, the most recent interaction I’ve had, I saw his pee, and Whoa! It looked like orange Gatorade. That fool is gonna die! How do you live with that little water in your body? You’re pee is orange! Can you even spell water? Below you will see an image I created in order to educate you on the meaning of your pee color. This is good knowledge to have. It’s good to know whether you need to drink more water or not.


Friday, July 22, 2011

The Top 10 Worst Faces To Make During Sex

THE TOP 10 WORST FACES TO MAKE DURING SEX

Disclaimer: Don’t read this if you’re in the mood and plan on staying in the mood.

10 - The “I’m Bored” Face

Talk about killing the mood. You could at least fake being into it! Or give a sister a smile! A robot emotes more.

9 - The “I Tried” Face

You don’t want to make a face that tells, “That’s the best I had”. One - because you always want to give the illusion that you could have better tricks up your sleeve. And two - because that sentence does not make anyone happy about having been with you.

8 - The “Teasing” Face

“Neener neener neener! You can’t have my weiner!” Maybe teasing girls on the schoolyard in second grade worked for you, but seven year-olds don’t have sex. So, that approach will not work in the bedroom. Or car. Or trampoline. Or where ever you may be.

7 - The “Regretting” Face

You’re wishing you didn’t even start. We get it. But my grandpa always said, “Never start anything you’re not willing finish”. Suck it up and finish it like a man. Live life without regrets...or just hide them!

6 - The “Oops” Face

Kind of self explanatory. Usually a face made within the first two minutes of having started the act. This face also precedes The “I Tried” Face many times which makes it even worse. If there’s promise of another “Top 10 Worst Faces To Make During Sex” Face coming, you’re in for an upset partner.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Diary Entry: 05 - Pills And Monkeys

Dear Diary,

Alright, so I’m still in New York and I’m noticing I’m starting to talk like one of ‘em. The Italian in me gets brought out, but in an undesirable way. Italian is such a beautiful language, when you listen to it, it sounds like someone’s singing no matter what. New York Italian, it’s like listening to the garbage disposal go, except a real nice song is playing in the background. So, you keep listening to hear the nice parts but they’re almost all drowned out.

So’s anyways, I quit that boxing ref job cause I ain’t nobody’s chimp. I says to the guy, I’m reffing since I’m six years old and never have I been treated this poorly. Well, actually they treated me quite nice, I just didn’t like the hint of racism I tasted. It was all very bittersweet. Ah! See what I did there?! A little Italian Cooking with words. Beautiful! But back to the matter on hand, I don’t want to be poor. I came to this city to clear my mind and get my hands on some coins. So’s I hit the personal ads again.

I had trouble getting a job as a chef, I don’t have an up to date plumber’s license, what do I do? I tell you what I do! I’m Mario! I use the old noodle! I fake a doctor’s license because doctors are the second most in demand and high paying job in New York, next to ape tamer. I make up a good doctor name, Dr. Mario. Everyone believes it, they don’t even check my educational background. You tell ‘em you went to school they assume you must have. So now, I’m working at this hospital down the street from the motel I’m staying at. It’s got tons and tons of sick patients so I’m immediately put to work. Well, I don’t know what I’m doing but this hospital pays commission. Every patient that exits healthy, you get a little bit of extra coin. If I can get a hundred coins who knows, maybe I can get a new life! So, I start blasting through these patients! They got different colored viruses and I got different colored pills...how hard can this doctor work be? Match the colors together! What is this, second grade? I thought these guys had to open brains up and take cancer out and flip livers inside out so people can reuse them. This stuff is elementary school style. I’m turning over more customers than I ever did back at the old pizza shop.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Elewaiters

Elewaiters. Elewaiters are hardcore elevator waiters. In regular life they’re completely inconspicuous. At the aquarium, in a dog park, at your friend’s party, you can never tell who is an Elewaiter. They only become apparent when an elevator is nearby and they want on. An Elewaiter (as defined by me) is a person who waits for an elevator less than 5 inches from the elevator door. They push the button for an elevator and immediately walk to the door as if it’s already open. They then wait for it without budging. Waiting in that teeny tiny spot they have created for themselves. Sometimes their noses even rest on the door. Often hot breath stains appear on the door as there is nowhere else for their breath to go. As soon as the door opens they barge on. Sometimes with slower opening doors Elewaiters are seen trying to squeeze themselves through an opening smaller than themselves. Elewaiters are pretty fucking stupid. Their IQ is always lower than whatever floor they’re traveling to. Most times there are already people on the elevator and they are trying to get off. This is where Elewaiters become a problem. They think they can get on before everyone gets off. It’s like having a tupperware full of hot dogs and you want to put hamburgers in instead. You don’t put the hamburgers in first then take the hot dogs out. That doesn’t make any damn sense. It’s common sense. Simple math. Basic tupperware training. But above all, it’s elevator etiquette.

Above you can see what you should see if you’re on an elevator and you reach your floor. This is assuming anyone is waiting. This is a pleasant experience. Your door opens and there happens to be someone waiting patiently. They’re in no hurry to get on the elevator. They are quite aware it’s not going anywhere without them. They’re pleased as pumpkin to let you off with plenty of room so you can stretch and exclaim, “Damn that was on sexy elevator ride!” Or do whatever it is you normally do when getting off an elevator. Thank you sir. We’ll call you Bob. Bob here is probably heading up to a meeting in which he will wow some execs. They will be pumped about his plan to cut costs around the office and he will get a promotion. Bob will live a fantastic life. Way to be normal and awesome Bob!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The Sometime Show - Episode 2

Sinbad at the Warwick booth, Winter NAMM 2011photo © 2011 Cary and Kacey Jordan | more info (via: Wylio)

Hello everybody and welcome once again to SteveInevitable. I’m Stephen Avitabile and yup, you know it, there’s Sinbad laughing like a maniac. I’d like to say he’s laughing because he was reading this post ahead of time but I can’t be too sure he even reads what I put out. It’s not in his contract to do so and I’m not sure he likes this stuff. We can all hope someday Sinbad will get into this but in the meantime we’re just wicked pumped he shows up. What is that background behind you anyway, Sinbad? You look like you’re in an airport. We need to get you a better back drop. I don’t want people thinking you’re not actually here........anyway...this is our second show ever. We’re pleased to say we’re still in business. Some people read up on the last one which is still available on another page if anyone’s interested. Our biggest fan Joshua Jeremy left us a comment which we greatly appreciate! I hear that guy’s a news fiend, always looking for the best source. We know that’s not us but the fact that he even reads what we have to say is just incredible to us! I’m usually just winging it up here. But we’re doing our best to get you the best guests and the best news stories available. Speaking of news stories, boy are there some f---ing delicious ones. Let’s nibble on some news, shall we?

This one’s great. A woman tried to sell her three day old baby to another woman in a Taco Bell in Washington just recently. The buyer was offered $500, refused and immediately called 911.
When the police arrived they assumed the 911 call was about the life threatening food Taco Bell was serving and promptly arrested every employee there.

How about this? The federal government actually funded a study that tested to see if their was a relation between gay men’s penis sizes and their sex lives.
It was determined more extensive research will be needed so once more funding is received a new study will begin, Relation between depth of gay men’s buttholes to their sex lives. Your tax dollars at work.

Aspiring rapper, Tony Austin, is suing P. Diddy over a 2010 shooting that sent him to the hospital while outside of Justin’s in Atlanta, a restaurant Diddy owns.
Rule #1 in the rapper handbook clearly states, “if you get shot and live, praise God and shut up. Do not sue. Do not tattle. Your record sales are going to sky rocket!” Diddy did you a favor man!

Did you hear this one? This is real. A man in Texas bought a $300,000 house for $16.
When asked what the man’s secret was he responded with, “All I’m going to say is that extreme couponing ain’t got nothing on me!”

A man was shot the other night after a midnight showing of Harry Potter as he was suspected of having child pornography and making sudden movements in front of police.
Come on, can’t a single 45 year old man go alone to a midnight showing of Harry Potter without being suspected of child pornography anymore? I mean, the kids are all grown up now!
Muppet bandphoto © 2006 Andrew Kuchling | more info (via: Wylio)

At least they let the guy watch the entire movie first. He was probably super pumped coming out of there though. Ready to tell all his friends how good it was. What if he had already tweeted something like, “New Harry Potter...the best! Am I in heaven? Will let you know once I’m out of theater.” Then, he got out of the theater, realized it wasn’t heaven but was so amazingly close, he reached for his phone suddenly to do his follow up tweet and, bang bang! Bullets hurt much more than expelliarmus or however you say it. That’s something that sucks about coming out of action/adventure movies by the way. You’re so amped up on what you just saw you want to do everything you just saw and you really think that you can. You’re ready to kick criminals’ asses and jump over buildings but as soon as you stub your toe on the trash can outside the theater and you yelp in pain you realize your dream is dead. That guy walked out of the theater, saw little children floating around on screen, and that’s what he wanted to do. Yeah illegal, but maybe give the man a minute to stub his toe and then I’m sure he’ll bury those desires deep down somewhere. Instead you shot him. Anyway, that’s enough heavy talk for now. We’re going to take a quick commercial break, when we get back, we’ll be here with our guests, Melvin Crunch Jr. and Boom! We’ll be right back, take it away Muppet Band!

Monday, July 18, 2011

Door Etiquette

Here’s the thing (some type of thing), we all have to walk through doors in our life. It’s inevitable. We’re not permanent outdoor dwellers. Sans hippies. And we don’t live indoors 24/7. Sans gamers. We walk through doorways often. It’s such a common occurrence we take it for granted. And the thing is, there’s walking through doorways etiquette. Yet, a lot of people overlook this. In fact, it’s not talked about often. So because of this a lot of people don’t know it. It’s kind of an unspoken etiquette but a lot of people figure it out. When walking through a doorway, the first step is to look behind you. You should either look behind you as you walk through or just before. If no one’s behind you, you’re in the clear. Just walk through and continue your awesome life. If someone is behind you.....uh oh. Trouble is abrewing. Time to make a call. How far behind you is this person?

As you can see from the diagram above, the person is 7 feet away from you. They are also heading towards the door. You have the door open as you check back and you can see them, clearly. You can make out their eye color, you know what brands their clothes are, you might even be able to tell what bullshit sign they are due to the stars or whatever. They’re pretty damn close, and a Scorpio! You need to hold the door open for them in some manner. Either wait there like a gentleperson and wait until they’re able to grab the door from you and then head off or do some sort of a reach back tactic. Where you hold the door completely open but your body has completely passed the doorway. You’re body is probably at like a 45 degree angle and you are very obviously inconveniencing yourself to keep the door open for the person behind you. They will normally then realize this and insert a little quick step into their walk to get to the door quicker. Or they’ll be a gaping huge dickhole and take their time. Either way, you got to hold it open in this situation. They are very close to you.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

If Sports Teams Were Actually Comprised Of Their Team Names...

IF SPORTS TEAMS WERE ACTUALLY COMPRISED OF THEIR TEAM NAMES...


BASEBALL


- Boston VS. Chicago would either be a baby bear devouring some laundry or a fashion war launched over the question, “Red or white?”

- San Diego would be a bunch of Spanish fathers. Don’t try out for the team unless you got kids. Accidental or purposeful! Don’t matter! Just have some damn ninos!

- Everybody would be like, “Whatever Oakland. You should be athletic if you play sports. It’s sports!”

- Anaheim would be a bunch of Nick Cage’s when he was still sane playing opposite Meg Ryan’s when she was still hot.

- One New York team would be super American, feathers in their hats, calling it macaroni (like a damn acid-head) and the other would be.....I don’t know what.....

BASKETBALL


- During Boston games not only the fans would be wasted off Guinness, but the players would be too.

- One Los Angeles team would always want to cut your hair and the other just needs to move back to Minneapolis so their names makes sense again.

- Toronto would either rip everyone apart or just not exist.

- Washington VS. Orlando would be kind of redundant. It would be like watching Dick VS. Urine.

- If Phoenix wanted to beat all of it’s opponents at once it would just collapse on itself.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

A Tribute

- Who’s the scariest man ever to sit on Oprah’s couch?
Tom Cruise.

- Who’s the scariest man ever to play The Incredible Hulk?
Lou Ferrigno.

- Who’s the scariest man ever to rob a McDowell’s?
Samuel L. Jackson.

“Who the fuck is this asshole?”

- Who’s the most threatening man without a gun?
Jackie Chan.

- Who’s the most threatening man under water?
Aqua Man.

- Who’s the most threatening man to eat your hamburger?
Samuel L. Jackson.

“I’m sorry, did I break your concentration?”

Friday, July 15, 2011

Broken Phone Blues

I’d like to start this post off by letting everyone know that I’m probably one of the last 7 or 8 people left in the U.S. that doesn’t own a smart phone. I have a cell phone, but it’s a regular ol’ flip phone. I know flip phone to most people sounds like how rotary phone sounds to me but I swear I am caught up with most technologies. I just hadn’t upgraded to a smart phone yet. Though I had been planning on doing it for a little while now. I made definite plans to get a new one when I went home to visit in New Hampshire where there is no sales tax. Quite the advantage when purchasing more expensive products. I’m heading home July 29th, so I figured, “Eh, it’s not too much longer.” I have had my stone tablet of a cell phone for almost 2 years, what’s another few weeks? Well, just the other day I pulled my phone out of my backpack to check and see if I had any messages (which I’m sure I didn’t even) and as I grabbed it, it slipped out of my hand from 3 inches high, tapped onto the carpeted floor, and broke into two pieces. I knew it was on it’s way out, but that was nonsensical! It was literally a 3 inch drop! I think the thing committed suicide. It was such a weak break. I’ve had way cooler broken phone stories. In the toilet, in another toilet, in a friend’s toilet...but a 3 inch drop to a carpeted floor. Weak!

So, my phone’s broken. A friend of mine actually managed to shove the two pieces back together but it didn’t work anymore. Now, I am phoneless. Not for too long, I’m using an old phone and reactivating it until my trip to NH when I buy an up to date phone. My mom’s sending it to me in the mail, but as I wait for it to get here...i’m naked on the telecommunication front. First I’m thinking, “No big deal. I didn’t have a phone the first 16 years of my life. I can last a few days.” Then, I realize that since the age of 16 I have always had a phone. Maybe this will be a little harder. So, obviously most importantly, I can’t make calls to friends as easily. I can use my work phone if I know their number. But not a big deal, I don’t actually call too many people. Then, I think, “Oh no! I can’t text anybody!” But I open up facebook and realize I can just message anybody on there that I would normally text. Problem solved. So what’s the big deal? All my issues are taken care of. What do I even need a cell phone for?

Then, I go to the bathroom for the first time since my phone broke. I do the Ostrich-Lean-Forward in the public bathroom checking for feet. The handicapped stall is open! Perfect! I can stretch out in there! Before you judge, I have never seen a handicapped person on my floor or even in my entire building, so it’s fine. Anyway, I set up shop in the luxury suite and get to work. I reach into my pocket to pull out my phone and it’s not there! What?! How am I supposed to play Tetris? Am I seriously Tetris-less during this entire dump? I had Jamaican Jerk Shack for lunch! What am I supposed to do while I’m in here?! I got nothing! And this is a three game visit! So, I did nothing. I stared at the wall across from me. I counted the tiles on the floor. I counted how many times the guy in the stall next to me cleared his throat. I even created a new holiday in my head! I was thinking January really only has New Year’s Day as a holiday and that’s not even the fun day. New Year’s Eve is the fun day! New Year’s Day usually sucks for people actually. So, I thought, January 16th, Son’s Day. Self explanatory right? Anyway, back to the real issue. I’m dying of boredom in this stall!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Diary Entry: 04 - Boxing

Dear Diary,

So, I finally arrived in New York. Brooklyn! Bigups! I started looking for a job right away but it was so hard finding one. I applied to be a chef in every Italian restaurant that was hiring. No luck. Apparently, they don’t want a plumber cooking their food. And I couldn’t get a job plumbing because my license had expired. Plus, I’m pretty sure all my paperwork I left back in Mushroom Kingdom. But as I was walking around town I noticed a flyer. There was some boxing league nearby that needed referees. It said limited experience was all they required, which was perfect because I used to ref the boxing matches between Luigi and the little Toad folk.

So, guess who became a ref in no time? I guess everyone who applied was hoping to get some sort of pay-check as payment but this league could only pay in coin. That was apparently some sort of turn off to most people, not sure why. Something to do with 401ks and savings accounts and a bunch of mumbo jumbo. If they put coin directly into your pocket, why wouldn’t you want it? Some guy was trying to talk me out of it, talking something about health benefits. I said, “Look Tony (I assumed that was his name), I run every day, eat pasta 4 or 5 meals a day and can jump higher than a kangaroo. You don’t call those health benefits?” Anyway, I got the job because after all that I was the only one still interested. Getting coins to watch to guys bash each other’s faces in? Pretty easy stuff.

But, I gotta tell you. I saw some interesting individuals boxing. One guy, who I apparently was just refereeing all of his games, was named Little Mac. He was the smallest boxer I’ve ever seen! And everyone he fought was way out of his weight class! The guy who was closest to him still probably had an entire foot of height on him and at least 50 pounds! But that didn’t stop this little guy. He was knocking those guys out left and right! He had this trainer, Doc. He was a black guy, but I could have sworn it was just Ted Danson in Blackface. That was what it looked like. I mean, why would he go by a fake name like Doc? Seems like a cover up. Whatever. That guy was an intense trainer. In between every fight on my lunch breaks I saw him riding his bicycle around the city while making Little Mac jog and keep up with him. Not only did he do that but he also made him wear a full pink sweatsuit. Yeah, in New York. If something’s going to make you run fast...it’s wearing a pink sweatsuit in broad daylight in 1980’s Italian New York.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Damn Signs!

The other day I was driving through.....yeah you guessed it, a drive-thru. I ordered my food and rolled up to the window to pay and I noticed a little sign on the window. The sign read, THANK YOU FOR PAYING WITH THE SMALLEST POSSIBLE BILL. Excuse me? I didn’t even pay yet. Are you thanking me for something I haven’t done yet in hopes I will do that? Is that you’re way of asking me? That’s pretty pretentious, don’t you think? Well congratulations, because now you’re getting a fifty for my fries, bitch! Change that! I’m sorry, that’s a little rough. I just get upset with signs and instructions nowadays. I feel like these signs get put up or instructions get labeled somewhere and we read them so often they get engraved in our brains. Now, these things that started off as suggestions or someone’s opinion on how things should be done, turn into The Law. If I drive through that drive-thru enough times I’m going to think it’s common courtesy to pay with the smallest bill all the time. Like it’s something I’m supposed to do. It’s not! I can pay with a larger bill if I like! In fact, most times I pay cash, it’s to get change. I prefer to get more change also. So, I usually pay with the largest bill I have. I do that to get quarters so I can do my laundry. I don’t know how else a person is supposed to come across enough quarters to all the loads of laundry necessary to live a normal life. Five quarters every load? Where am I supposed to be coming across all this coinage? So, I use my card at the grocery store when I buy a new Scotch tape, get eighty dollars cash back, and then I spend that cash on little purchases all week to get some damn quarters! So, yes I like to pay with large bills! And you can’t stop me!

So, they haven’t gotten me with that sign yet. Hasn’t been engraved in my brain. But I know something did get to me. Not a sign. But instructions. Instructions on the back of a bag of popcorn. It’s the part that says, 2 Minutes! Only 2 Minutes to cook a bag of popcorn! You see it on all the bags. On all the boxes. Every brand! 2 minutes! Now, I don’t even have to check the heating instructions for popcorn anymore. I know. It’s automatic. Throw it in the microwave. 120 seconds. However, it’s not the same with mini bags of popcorn. Which I didn’t know existed. In fact, I was once holding a mini bag of popcorn about to cook it, and did not know it was a mini bag. How are you supposed to tell with one of those things? They all look the same size until after they’ve been cooked. So, what do I do? Well, first I’m visiting my friends at their college, in their dorm room, alone. They’re on their way back from something and I decide to cook some popcorn. Pop it in...two minutes. Leave the room while it cooks since I got to pee. And when I come back, of course I open up the door and it’s like walking into Snoop Dogg’s dressing room. Smoke billowing out! Everywhere! The room is filled with smoke! And then it billows out into the communal hallway of the dorm. I immediately close the door and turn on every fan, wave every towel in the air, trying to eliminate the odor. Luckily, none of the smoke detectors or sprinklers went off but the stench stayed around. Burnt popcorn. Everyone on the floor could smell it. And they all hated me!

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The Sometime Show - Episode 1

Sinbadphoto © 2008 jcrawford3505 | more info (via: Wylio)

Good morning/afternoon/evening everybody! I’m Steve Avitabile! With me as always, or should I say, for the first time ever, is my co-host Sinbad! Sinbad and I think we got a really good show for you all tonight. There’s been a lot in the news as of late and we want to share it with you. We want to be your resource for news. We promise to portray it in a somewhat accurate fashion and we promise I’m doing most of the talking. To be honest, Sinbad is just here to look pretty holding that microphone over there. Plus, he’s a big name. In all his voyages he’s gained a pretty big fan following and we thought he could put fans in the stands here at......my blog. Anyway, there’s a lot going on in this crazy world and we intend to get to it.

So, did you hear about Arizona State Senator, Lori Klein, who pointed a loaded pink handgun at a reporter’s chest during an interview? Though she told him and everybody else that he was in no danger at the time.
Yeah, when she was asked why he wasn’t in any danger she responded with, “Listen guys. It’s not the pink gun that’s one hit kill. It’s the golden gun. Play a video game once in awhile!”

A couple weeks ago there was a brawl amongst parents at a Little League baseball game in Colorado.
Apparently, what set it off was a heated discussion of, “No, my son could kick your son’s ass!”

Recently, a baby boy was born in Texas weighing 16 pounds and measuring in at two feet tall!
He is reportedly not allowed to go to college or high school, once he reaches the age of 13 he’s being drafted into the NBA whether he likes it or not.

Did you hear about this? A landlord in Boynton Beach, Florida alledgedly set his tenant’s shorts on fire for being late with rent, while he was wearing them!
According to reports, the entire altercation can be chalked up to it being April Fool’s Day, the tenant being an avid prankster, and it being the biggest Liar, Liar Pants On Fire misunderstanding ever.
Muppet bandphoto © 2006 Andrew Kuchling | more info (via: Wylio)

How do you suppose that happened, Sinbad? That’s a big misunderstanding. Oh, I don’t have the money for you, April Fool’s I do too! Liar! Where’s my lighter fluid!? What kind of lunatics are these that their lives end up like this? I don’t know who’s worse? The guy who lit the other guy’s shorts on fire or the guy who got his shorts lit on fire. The tenant apparently provoked the shorts-burning by cutting his landlord’s back with a screwdriver. Really? This is your life? I don’t know what Boynton Beach is like but maybe it’s time to get the f--- out! Oops! I forgot I got to watch my mouth. Well, whatever they’ll censor that s---. I’m golden. Golden brown. So, anyway we got a great show for you tonight. Lots more to come. We’re going to take a quick break but stick around because we got guests, Gonzo on Cocaine and The Pillsbury Thin Boy! I’m Steve Avitabile, he’s Sinbad, say hello to Kermit The Frog and The Muppet Band! Take it away guys!

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Top 10 Worst Things To Say To Your Server While Dining At An Indian Restaurant

THE TOP 10 WORST THINGS TO SAY TO YOUR SERVER WHILE DINING AT AN INDIAN RESTAURANT

10 - Were you guys pissed when you found out the name of the movie was “Cowboys And Aliens”?

9 - I don’t think I want the Lamb Korma. I hear Korma’s a bitch.

8 - Is it called a hot dog or a slum dog here? I don’t see it on the menu anywhere.

7 - Is it called naan because of it’s non flavor?

6 - Is that a religious mark or a pimple?

Sunday, July 10, 2011

The Bold And The Alphabetical - Jobless J

You ever look at all the letters in the alphabet and think, poor J. Of all the letters I think he’s got it the worst. Think about it. That guy has had countless jobs stolen from him. All stolen from that jerk, G. G got the job on gorilla. Which he should have since gorilla makes a “guh” noise. But G also got the job on giraffe. That sounds to me like it should have gone to J. G got goose. OK. But why did he get gerbil? Another one that doesn’t make any sense. This G guy is a punk. He’s already got enough work, does he really have to steal work from J as well? He's got to make 2 sounds? You ever wonder why J is worth 8 points in Scrabble and G is 2? We make both those noises the same amount of times in our every day conversation. Yet J is way harder to use. Often you pull a J from the bag and exclaim, “Fucking J!” but it’s not his fault. G’s been stealing his work for years. Check out this instance here.

INT. UPSCALE STUDIO - AFTERNOON

A PHOTOGRAPHER stands in the middle of a room opposite all the letters of the alphabet lined up against a wall. On the other wall is a whole setup for people and letters to get their pictures taken.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Alright, everybody! A new species of rodent has been named. We need to get the picture for it. Let me go grab some more film and then we’ll round up the letters.

The photographer leaves the room. Chatter amongst the letters starts almost immediately. G leans over to J.

G
Hey, in case he picks you, you better be ready.

J
Of course he’s going to pick me. The word is pronounced jer-bil.

G
I’m just saying. You don’t want to mess things up.

J starts to get nervous. He panics, looks around, and then books it to the bathroom. He runs the faucet. Cold water should help. As he’s in there, G sneaks over unnoticed and closes the door. He leans a chair up against the doorknob, trapping him. He sneaks back over to the line up of letters. The photographer BUSTS back into the room.

PHOTOGRAPHER
OK, everyone! Let’s do this quickly! I got to be out of here in 15 minutes for a shoot across town! Alright, on the stage, give me J, E, R, B, I and L!

E, R, B, I, and L approach the stage. The photographer looks around puzzled as they arrange themselves in the correct order.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
Where’s J?

Everyone looks around. No one knows where he is.

PHOTOGRAPHER (CONT’D)
No one knows?! We need him for this! He’s the first letter! Damn it! I gotta be out of here in 15!

G
I could step in for him if you need me to.

PHOTOGRAPHER
You? G?

G
I could pull it off.

The photographer sizes him up.

PHOTOGRAPHER
Alright, get on stage.

G smiles in a sinister manner and approaches the stage.


END SCENE

See what I mean? That is some hardcore shit right there! I pulled that footage up from the archives and put it to paper for you to see. Well, I put it to computer screen but I'm really not sure how to say that. Do you just say put it to computer screen? Doesn't sound right. I just like put it to paper better. So, I won't stop saying it. Anyway, I can’t say that’s definitely how G got the giraffe job as well because I couldn’t find that footage, but you can assume it was something equally as sinister. G's taking over the animal kingdom. Think about it, what animal starts with J? Jackass? Thanks for leaving me that one, G! Now, naturally J was disheartened by all of this and turned to his friend, P. P always had good advice to give.

Saturday, July 9, 2011

The Social Network 2

The Facebook Movie was extremely successful. Do you think they’ll be making a sequel? Try to squirt a little more money out of that cash bovine? I feel like there’s a lot of potential there. There’s a lot they haven’t even touched on in “The Social Network”. I looked at the entirety of facebook to see what I would like in the sequel and I’m afraid that I won’t get everything I want. I’m not sure what route they’ll be taking. What if they go the wrong way? By the wrong way I mean the way I, personally, don’t prefer. Then, I thought, I know the perfect way to ensure what I want. Make the movie before they do. Well, obviously I can’t make it, but I’ll write the script out. Then, I’ll sell it to the studios before anyone else can finish their version so I can be certain I’ll get the movie I want. It should be easy, even if the competition has started writing already. A lot of writers spend too much time with the rewrites. I’m just going to write this thing once and tell everyone it’s my 52nd draft. No way they’ll turn down a 52nd draft of the facebook sequel! They’ll have to know that it’s perfection made of gold. So, here we go. I’ll provide you with a few excerpts from my new script entitled, “The Network You Now Play Mafia Wars On”.

INT. COLLEGE DORM - NIGHT

RANDY, the kid who’s always picked last in baseball, sits at his desk staring into his computer screen. Some bings and bongs play for the score of the movie. It’s wicked sweet. JARED enters, handsome as FUCK.

JARED
I just had sex with several women and they were all pleased. It’s obvious I am the ladies man on campus, isn’t it?

RANDY
It is. And it makes it even more ironic that we're live together considering I am the shy, meek guy on campus with a lot of hidden good qualities and haven’t had sex with anyone yet in my life.

JARED
It does. What are you doing at the computer?

RANDY
I poked Tracy. I wanted to see what would happen.

JARED
What? We don’t even know what it is yet! The poke! We shouldn’t be poking until we understand it better.

RANDY
I think it’s suggesting you want to have sex.

JARED
Oh OK, never mind. What does Tracy look like again?

RANDY
She’s six foot five, two hundred and thirty pounds and there’s two of her.

JARED
Gross. Is she a lineman for the Patriots?

RANDY
Linebacker. Check out this new feature. You can play Mafia Wars on here.

JARED
I just want to let you know Randy, girls aren’t going to date you. Ever. And it’s not because you are shy or a virgin or because all your good qualities are hidden. It’s because you play Mafia Wars so goddamn much and you keep sending people invites and it pisses the shit out of them!



So, what do you think? There’s some good, original content there, right? I haven’t decided where this scene will be placed yet but I feel like it should be somewhere in the beginning. Maybe within the first 10 pages. Introduce the characters a little bit, you know? I’m afraid people don’t get a good enough idea about the characters though. Maybe they don’t get who it is I’m trying to create. I want it to be very clear but not too obvious, you know? I’m on the right track though, I know it. Anyway, I think I’m touching on some pretty hot topics in the facebook world. I’m trying to bring the heat to the surface. Let those controversial-knowledge-bombs just air out in the atmosphere. I’m hoping this script will really get people talking. Whatever they decide to say, “Blacklist”, “Oscar-worthy”, “Aaron Sorkin could learn a thing or two”, you know, doesn’t matter. As long as people are talking.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Dumb America!

America! You got some splainin’ to do! Seriously, I’m still befuddled by your fatness. As of recently, that hasn’t even been your worst quality though. It’s been your level of intelligence. I think it’s getting lower and lower. Or maybe you are just breeding more and more stupid people. And I’ll tell you, I can deal with the stupid people, as long as it’s a normal amount. By normal amount I mean there should be one smart person for each dumb person. Give the country a nice even balance. And that’s just what the dumb people do. Give balance. I’m no genius, but in school, you all bump me up to Middle-Of-The-Road student. That helps me and I thank you all for that. But if there’s too many of you then I get bumped up too high. Think of a scenario where I’m the smartest person in class. I have trouble reading a compass and still don’t understand inflation. You don’t want me to be the smartest anything. A country headed by multiple me’s being the smartest around, will crash and burn!

Now, I’m sure some people have read this far and are already thinking, “What proof does this guy have that America is getting dumber?” Well, first off I’m saying I think America is getting dumber or it is spitting out more dummos (dum-oes), and second, I have visual evidence backing up my hypothesis. As you can see to the right, I have included the image of a man made sign. The man, or woman, who made this sign lives in the U.S. He, or she, wants everyone to know that is dining at this establishment, that the salads you have here are freshly tossed. And not just the side salads, the big ones. The ones that are meals, or entrees. Oops. We made it seem like it’s a salad that gains you entrance into a freshly tossed top secret organization. Probably not the intention. And I know some people are probably thinking, “Give them a break, it’s a simple misspelling.” Here’s the thing. No. Shut up. People should spell things right. Also, if you are going to spell something wrong, spell it wrong in a way where I understand why you spelled it that way. For instance entree is pronounced like, on-tray. So, someone spelling it ontray or even antray, I get it. That seems like a valid attempt. I agree entree doesn’t look like it would be the spelling of how that word sounds, but neither does entry. In fact, it looks even less like it. So, what’s the excuse? Sure, maybe I’m being harsh but whatever, I never signed a document that said I wouldn’t ever be harsh. I’m allowed to be. People, spell things right. Or spell them incorrectly but in an understandable way. Be a dumb ass with reason. With excuses.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Diary Entry: 03 - PCP Stars

Dear Diary,

So, I finally made it out of that smelly castle, only to find I had lead myself to some gigantic mountaintops. When it was I rose this much in elevation, I don’t know. But I ended up being hundreds of feet high! Do these drugs ever wear off? Or am I really doing all this? Also, these mountains aren’t even connected so I’m jumping from one to another just trying to get myself out of this place. Quite another fine mess I’ve gotten myself into. And I’m getting hungry. I haven’t eaten in awhile. What I wouldn’t do for a meatball right about now. I see some more flying turtles and I’m wondering if I can figure out how to make turtle soup. It’s supposed to be good, however at this high an elevation I don’t remember how long to heat water for to get it to a boil. They always list it on the sides of those mashed potato boxes and what not but I never retained that knowledge. I bet Luigi knows. Where is my brother? How come he’s not with me? I literally can’t remember what I was even doing before these diary entries. Life before this diary is a blur.

Anyway, I realize that the turtles on this mountain are red shelled instead of green. I think that means they’re spicier ones so I’m not going to eat them. I just fixed the plumbing at our house, I’d hate to put myself in a situation where I’d have to fix it all over again! And a speecy spicy turtle will probably do that to me! So, instead I jump on these spicy turtles’ backs and it disentegrates their wings off. The ones that are floating carelessly over the giant crevices, which is most of them, fall to a terrible doom. Here I am, Mario, hopping from mountain to mountain, killing spicy turtles, just like Mama said I’d be doing.

Then, off in the distance, I see another castle. As I’m approaching it I’m thinking, I’m not going inside. The last castle was just awful. I think I’m done with castles for now. I’m going to stroll on past. But my stomach starts growling. I swear it growled, “Maaaaaario, maybe there’s some ziti, or even ziti with lines, covered with some marinara up in that castle.” My stomach knows the way to my heart (up and to the left about 5 inches) and I decide I’m going in the castle. Plus, I got no other choice. This mountain doesn’t lead anywhere else. I open up the creaky door and I’m really praying for the ziti with the lines. The lines make it taste so much better!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

The Top 10 Worst Times To Sneeze

THE TOP 10 WORST TIMES TO SNEEZE


10 - While the dentist is flossing your teeth

9 - As you’re realizing the salad bar really doesn’t have a sneeze guard

8 - As you’re asleep in the bed and I’m sliding a chopstick up your nostril (Sorry Doug!)

7 - While you’re drinking Campbell’s Soup In Hand.....naked

6 - As you’ve pulled the ski mask down and demanded all the money in the register

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Shark On Shark

Did you know that a male nurse shark has two penises? And a female nurse shark...you guessed it...is the happiest shark in the sea. No, but really, a female nurse shark has one opening and then two vagina pockets inside her body. Both are used for mating. Same with the two penises. Naturally. Now, when I heard about this I took to the internet. The web. The online shark-dick catalog. I’m fascinated by animals and all the differences between them and us, larger number of penises and all that. So, I learned all about that but as I learned...I pondered. What’s this shark’s life like? Is he the most envied shark? Are all the other sharks jealous of him? Or are they relieved because they have less things to worry about whacking on the coral reef?

Also, when hearing this, it made me think that this shark must have the highest testosterone levels of any shark. Maybe that was a stupid assumption to make. Whether it was or wasn’t, it was wrong. The shark with the highest testosterone level, and the animal with the highest testosterone level, is the bull shark. Those things are insane! They’re like the guys at the gym with no necks, and arms larger than your thighs. You know the ones who have 48 words in their vocabulary? And 25% of them consist of one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight (for their reps), protein, weights, lats and a grunt. Now, take five of those guys, wrap them together in a giant sleeveless shirt and they still don’t compare to the male bull shark. Holy shark! Right?! So, who’s jealous of who? The one with two weiners or the one with enough testosterone to lift all of Planet Fitness? And yes I mean the actual planet. Well, the one with two penises is called a “nurse” shark. So, that’s not helping him out too much. He probably gets teased a lot; “You’re a nurse? Aren’t only girls nurses?” That’s harsh. I’m sure the nurse shark just adapted and grew another penis over time to deal with the teasing. “Yeah? Wanna call me a girl again? Well, take your choice. Say it to the right dick or the left dick! Punk ass Hammerhead!”

Monday, July 4, 2011

Fat America! I Could Be One Of Your Kids...

I recently came across what I found to be a very interesting web site. Well, to be honest it wasn’t necessarily the web site that was so interesting, but what it was promoting. It made me realize there was this whole market out there for these particular products and for certain people that I never knew was there. The web site had toilets that supported more weight than the ordinary toilet. There was also ways to reinforce your ordinary toilet to support more weight. Now, I’m not talking just a little more weight capacity. I read that some of these toilets can hold up to 1,200 pounds. 1,200 pounds! Really?! Are we serious, America?!

When did Obese America get to the point that regular toilets were not strong enough? I mean, I realized we had reached the point where one meal at dinner was not enough. We needed the guarantee that we could walk back up to the food and take a second and maybe even a third plate. I even realized we reached the point where motor carts were no longer to be used solely for the handicapped but also the fat and lazy. As much as these people piss me off when they cruise through the mall, cutting me off in their mall cars, and then standing up and grabbing things off of top shelves, only to sit back down again, out of breath, ready to cruise some more...I can deal with them. What I’m not sure I’m going to be able to deal with is people who are too fat to sit on an ordinary toilet and not break it. Come on, man! It’s a toilet! They’re made of porcelain. That stuff ain’t flimsy!

And I better not be getting anything from anyone like, “Some people can’t help but to be fat.” I know that some people have it in their genes and there’s certain things they can’t help and so they’re destined to be somewhat fat. I get that. I also get that exercise is always an option. We had a fat teacher in high school and one time when I mentioned him being fat someone said to me, “You know, he can’t help it. He’s allergic to the pectin in fruit.” Yeah? Is he allergic to the tread on a treadmill? Otherwise, I ain’t buying it. Eating apples isn’t what keeps me under 300 pounds. I run places sometimes. Like from one end of a court to the other. Or on a track. Or to the vending machine to make sure all the little chubbies waiting for their parents at the gym don’t steal all the good snacks.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Mr. Toad's Scary-Ass Ride

Often times, you will hear these terrible stories about how someone was riding on a roller coaster somewhere and they were decapitated. Or they weren’t strapped in tightly enough because they were too big and they flew out hundreds of feet up. All these terrible deaths that happen in these roller coasters. And everyone’s always so scared to ride them, with good reason. But what if I told you there’s a ride you can go on in Disneyland where you are guaranteed to die? Would you call my bluff and try it out? Or would you be too scared to get on? Well, it’s true. No bullshit here. If you go on Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride, you will die.

Ever been on it? First off, it kind of feels like you’re on acid when you’re on this ride. It’s all over the place. I was just on it recently and I can’t recall fully what happened leading up to “the incident” (probably because of the drugs they pump into the room while you’re riding it) but I remember the tail end. Also, I’d like to point out that this ride is for little kids. It’s in a little car, you don’t have to be very tall to ride it, it doesn’t go fast, it’s just a ride that cruises around on a track flashing visuals in front of you the whole way. Totally made for a kid. But apparently, made by a person who hates kids!

So, you’re rolling around in this Smart Car sized ride and then it brings you to some area where something bad happens (again can’t remember because of the drugs). Then, it rolls you up to a judge in a courtroom who is very obviously displeased with you. He bangs the gavel and sentences you to something. You have no idea what though. I’m not entirely sure how the judicial system works, but I think what this judge does is highly illegal. Because he essentially sentences you to roll the wrong way on a train track while stuck in your stupid Smart Car. You find this out only because it is the next thing that happens. You drive right at a train! It blasts down the tracks and right into you! Then, the next room you go to on the ride, is very warm, and there’s stalagtites and stalagmites everywhere, and there’s a red glow to the color of the room.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Brothers Watching "Brothers"

INT. OFFICE - AFTERNOON

TOM, a man in his early thirties, is in his cubicle at work. He’s on the phone.

TOM
Yeah, I was planning on being home by 6 but it’s looking more like 7 now. I’m pretty busy at work. OK, we’ll just watch the movie when I’m back then. Sounds good. Love you. Bye.

Tom hangs up and gets back to his chaotic work.

INT. APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

NATALIE, a pretty woman in her early thirties, hangs up her cell phone. She looks over to NICK, a man in his late twenties. He’s sitting on the couch, feet up on the coffee table.

NATALIE
Tom won’t be back until 7 now he said.

NICK
Damn it! Now, we gotta wait til then to start the movie?

NATALIE
We can wait an hour longer.

NICK
I really want to see this movie!

NATALIE
Your brother is letting you stay here rent free, which was not my idea. The least you can do is wait for him one hour.

NICK
I did remodel the kitchen for you guys.

NATALIE
Without asking us.

NICK
Everyone’s been talking about this movie. It’s supposed to be really good.

NATALIE
What is it again?

NICK
Brothers.

CUT TO:

INT. OFFICE - EVENING

Tom is stacking some papers. GABE, a fellow employee, pops his head up from the cubicle next door. He has headphones in his ears and takes them out for a moment.

GABE
Finish up the Johnson proposal?

TOM
Just finished.

GABE
Yeah, I’m just finishing with the Robinson account. About to get out of here.

Gabe puts his headphones back in and sits back down, dropping out of sight.

TOM
Me too.

Just then, THE BOSS, strolls up. He stares right at Tom. Doesn’t see Gabe.

BOSS
The numbers on the Johnson proposal are all fucked up. It needs to get fixed by tonight. I want whoever was working on it, to stay late and fix this damn thing. Now, who worked on it?

Tom is a deer caught in head lights. There are no signs from Gabe in the next cubicle. So, Tom points his finger over at Gabe’s cubicle.

INT. APARTMENT - NIGHT

Nick and Natalie are both sitting on the couch now, chatting.

NICK
His character in Pleasantville and Spiderman are pretty similar so I’m glad he decided to play a role like this. Something different.

NATALIE
I can’t picture him being this intense bad ass...

NICK
Shut your mouth Tobey can be whatever he wants!

NATALIE
I think I like Jake Gyllenhaal better.

Nick checks his watch.

NICK
Wasn’t Tom supposed to be back by 7?

NATALIE
(checking her watch)
Yeah. Shit, it’s 8:30.

NICK
What do you think is happening? Shouldn’t he have called?

NATALIE
He always calls even if he’s going to be 5 minutes late.

NICK
Doesn’t seem like he’s coming back anytime soon. I think we should just start the movie. Who knows if he’s even coming back?

Natalie considers this. She seems uncertain. After some hesitation she grabs the DVD case and walks over to the TV.

CUT TO:

Friday, July 1, 2011

Reginald Veljohnson Police Department (RVPD)

“Well, hey there, big guy!” Quick question, who said that about a thousand times? Answer: Steve Urkel. Played by Jaleel White. And who was he always saying it to? Carl Winslow. Played by Reginald VelJohnson. Now, Carl Winslow was a man who was many things. He was always fair with his children. He was very strict, but for the good of his own children. He had amazing comic timing. And he was a police officer.

Now, you might be thinking, “Oh yeah, he was the cop that was communicating with John McClane the whole time he was stuck in that terrorist situation”. He was. Reginald was the cop in “Die Hard” but that wasn’t what I was talking about. “Oh right, he was the cop who worked in the jail in Ghostbusters”. Right. Reginald did that. But Carl did not. “Right, right, right. My bad. Turner & Hooch.” No, stop guessing. You just keep guessing these movies he played a cop in. I’m talking about the TV show he played a cop in. “Family Matters”. However, a great point has been raised. Can Reginald VelJohnson play anything other than a police officer?

The answer, I assume, is yes. But he just doesn’t want to because he plays a cop best. Can Carmelo Anthony play a sport other than basketball? Yeah. But he’s best at basketball so he sticks to it. Reginald knows his place. He doesn’t try to play a serial killer. He knows that face is too adorable and loveable to be considered a bad guy. (I love those pinchable cheeks of his!) He doesn’t try to be a real cop. He knows if he tried to mess with crime, crime will throw him in the slammer and mess with him. And we all know that man won’t stand a chance with a bunch of caged up violent men. (They all love those pinchable cheeks of his!) He acts as a cop! That’s where he lives. Pretending to be a cop.