Saturday, June 25, 2011

Samuel L. Jackson Lost His Credit Card

PREVIOUSLY ON STEVEINEVITABLE.COM...

...a woman who divorces her husband when he comes out of the closet...
...Daffy Duck in "Space Jam 2"...
...a plant with a head started blindly shooting these fire boogers at me!...
...I jumped on their heads and squashed them into batter...
...These shrooms are insane!...
... a deep purse is great for carrying several gats around...
...You’re not my father! Stop acting like it!!...

All of which I suppose you could have just scrolled down and read. Well, almost everything.

And now today on steveinevitable.com...

Samuel L. Jackson Lost His Credit Card

SAMUEL L. JACKSON sits on the couch, looking AGITATED. He dials a number on his phone. A man, FRED, answers.

FRED
Hi, this is Fred. How may I help you?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Hey! I lost my credit card and I want it deactivated! Now!

FRED
What’s the name on the card?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Samuel L. Jackson!

FRED
How do you spell it?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
You don’t know how it’s spelled?!

FRED
No sir, that’s why I asked. Can you spell it?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
S! A! M! U! E! L as in lick my dick! Space! L as in lick my dick again! Space! Jackson!

FRED
OK, sir I got your first name and middle initial but then you just screamed your last name. Could you spell your last name as well?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Jackson! J! A! C as in come on! You don’t know I am?! K as in come on! You still don’t know who I am?! S! O! N as in nobody don’t know who I am!

FRED
Thank you sir. One moment while I transfer you to the claims department.


SAMUEL L. JACKSON
What?!

Hold music plays. Elevator music style. As another man, ED, picks up...

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (CONT’D)
Fuck this music!

ED
Fuck this music, indeed. Hello sir, my name is Ed. How can I be of service to you today?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
I lost my goddamn credit card and I want it deactivated, right now!!

ED
Sounds like a plan. The file they sent over says your name is Samuel Lick-My-Dick Jackson. Is that correct?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
What?!

ED
Super. Now could I just get your address?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Yeah, it’s 9 Blueberry Lane...

ED
Could you spell that?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
B! L! U!...

ED
I’m sorry, D, L, U?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
B, L, U!

ED
C, L, U?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No! Did I say Clueberry mother fucker?! B! As in buffalo!

ED
Oh, buffalo as in the large bovine that used to roam in plentiful numbers across the United States until poachers got to mass quantities of them?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No! That was bison! Actually, there are no buffalo in the United States at all! Just bison! However, that is a common misconception!

ED
OK, so buffalo...spelled...

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
B! U! F!...

ED
I’m sorry, V, U, F?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No! B, U, F!

ED
G, U, F?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
No! B! As in a bee! The insect that pollinates and shit!

ED
Got ya. So, for your address I got B...

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
L! U! E! B!...

ED
L, U, E, T?

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Fuck you, Fred!

ED
Sir, it’s Ed.

SAMUEL L. JACKSON
Oh yeah?! How do you spell that mother fucker?!

CLICK.

So, what does everyone think? Would Mr. Jackson be interested in this piece at all? He gets to play himself so he has complete freedom to play it however he sees fit. He obviously knows best. Sam, if you see this and are interested, let me know!

4 comments:

  1. Even if he wasn't interested I could totally see him doing this. He might add a few more "Fucks" or even a "I'm Samuel L Mother-Fucking Jackson Mother-Fucker!" But if he won't do it, another individual that I could see having a great reaction to typical credit card company workers would be none other than Al Pacino. Just a thought!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd let the man riff. Whatever he wants. The more fucks, the better. That usually stands true, anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  3. hahaha i love it Steve-o

    ReplyDelete
  4. Man I'm sitting here literally laughing my ass off like that one commercial on MAD TV. LOL

    ReplyDelete