Thursday, June 30, 2011

Diary Entry: 02 - Roses, Petunias And.....What Kind Of Flower Is That?!

Dear Diary,

I spent most of last night throwing up in a bathroom in this castle. I think I puked up most of the shrooms though, so that’s good. However, this bathroom didn’t have a toilet so I was just puking on the floor. Brick floors too. I felt bad. I’m hoping it doesn’t stain. Anyway, I’m feeling normal-ish now. But I can’t remember where I entered this castle from. So, I start trying to find a way out but it’s so dark!

I have no idea who lives in this poorly lit mansion but I started wandering around, breaking his floating blocks, stealing his coins and looking for clues. I don’t know why clues would be hidden in floating boxes but I kept looking anyway. This one box, I break, and this crazy flower popped out of it. Maybe the shrooms were still in effect but when I packed this plant in my plumber’s pipe and smoked it, it turned my pants red! In addition, my red hat and shirt turned white, but for some reason that didn’t freak me out as much. At least the white and red complimented each other well.

Luigi always says when you mix shrooms with herb it’s a bad idea, but I thought it was fantastic! I noticed as I started running through the castle, one, that it smelled like a lizard’s butt crack, and two, that I had the ability to shoot the fire boogers! So, I started picking and flicking up a storm of fire boogers. This was perfection because they lit up the dark rooms I was in and they burned up ugly muffins that got too close to me.

To be honest, I fire-boogered the first muffin because he looked like he needed more baking time. He burnt to a crisp, guess I only know how to bake the ziti! But the rest of the muffins were just so ugly they were freaking me out. I wanted them dead. Those things are going to give me nightmares. If I ever run into one with wings I swear I’m gonna poop a pound of penne in my pants!

So, anyway the rest of the trek through the castle wasn’t a big deal. Killed some floating turtles, jumped over some endless crevices (existing in a castle, how?) and blew past some elevators going to nowhere. I finally found an exit pipe in this one room but just before I left I noticed on the other side of one of the walls was another room with other exit pipes to other places. Other worlds. Don’t ask how I know this. It’s just common knowledge. I wanted to take one of those other pipes but I couldn’t make my way over to them.

Luigi always says, when in a random castle, run on top of the ceiling to find the best way to exit. I wish I listened to him. It looked like the ceiling had a walkway that lead right to that room. But that’s so a-stupid! Who designed the layout of this house?! Just put in doors! What’s with these secret passageways everywhere? They don’t do you any good. It just takes you longer to get around your own house and it’s not like you have any visitors you’re hiding rooms from. No one is visiting this horrible stench box of a house. And how does Luigi know about the ceiling trick? Has he been to this castle before? Oh well, at least I made it out of that terrible castle.

P.S. - It had the worst music playing. It must have been playing over some speakers or something. Dunna dunna dunna. What kind of music is that? I think it’s stuck in my head forever.


  1. How is Luigi so knowledgeable of these crazy castles and random factoids? I have a feeling he's working with the evil muffins. Or the possibility that he's a secret Italian agent. I'm thinking he's like Evelyn Salt (Angelina Jolie). Good guy but works with the bad guys and kicks the good guys ass and the bad guys ass but helps the good guys beat the bad guys all while staying sexy. Just a thought.


  2. It's a mystery. It's almost as if he's been to these places before.
    You think Luigi is sexy?

  3. Well I personally don't but it fit in with my comparison to Angelina Jolie

  4. I mean, if you had to pick a sexier Mario brother it would probably be the man in green.

  5. And it has been proven through scientific tests that the color green makes you horny. Google it.

  6. Were these "scientific" tests or just "sexual" tests?