Thursday, June 30, 2011

Diary Entry: 02 - Roses, Petunias And.....What Kind Of Flower Is That?!

Dear Diary,

I spent most of last night throwing up in a bathroom in this castle. I think I puked up most of the shrooms though, so that’s good. However, this bathroom didn’t have a toilet so I was just puking on the floor. Brick floors too. I felt bad. I’m hoping it doesn’t stain. Anyway, I’m feeling normal-ish now. But I can’t remember where I entered this castle from. So, I start trying to find a way out but it’s so dark!

I have no idea who lives in this poorly lit mansion but I started wandering around, breaking his floating blocks, stealing his coins and looking for clues. I don’t know why clues would be hidden in floating boxes but I kept looking anyway. This one box, I break, and this crazy flower popped out of it. Maybe the shrooms were still in effect but when I packed this plant in my plumber’s pipe and smoked it, it turned my pants red! In addition, my red hat and shirt turned white, but for some reason that didn’t freak me out as much. At least the white and red complimented each other well.

Luigi always says when you mix shrooms with herb it’s a bad idea, but I thought it was fantastic! I noticed as I started running through the castle, one, that it smelled like a lizard’s butt crack, and two, that I had the ability to shoot the fire boogers! So, I started picking and flicking up a storm of fire boogers. This was perfection because they lit up the dark rooms I was in and they burned up ugly muffins that got too close to me.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Malaysia Appreciation Day

P1010861photo © 2006 Eugene Yong | more info (via: Wylio)

One of the cool things about having a blog is that you can check a lot of different statistics on it. A nerd like me thinks it’s cool, anyway. One of the sections tells me how many page views I get from each country. The majority of my page views are from the U.S. But I noticed there were a few from Germany, Thailand, Hong Kong and Malaysia. I thought that was pretty rad, but then it got me thinking, I know a bit about Germany (awesome beer), I know a bit about Thailand (Thai food), and I know a bit about Hong Kong (Jackie Chan) but sadly I don’t know anything about Malaysia.

That lead me to decide that it’s time to learn a little bit about Malaysia. I checked some stuff out and saw a picture of their flag. You ever see that thing? There it is chilling up there on the right. Quite reminiscent of our flag, right U.S.? But instead of the fifty stars in the blue box it’s the moon spooning with the sun. That’s some deep shit. It’s like astrology is saying, “Malaysia, for you, day and night are one. Time be no restriction to you. You can accomplish anything in your lifetime! Tell the world, I am gonna rip shit up!! In a good way.”

Coat of Armsphoto © 2008 Pedro Plassen Lopes | more info (via: Wylio)

I like that flag. If that flag were a human it would be a man...and it would be THE MAN! So, I also came across the country’s coat of arms. There it is all bold and glorious on the left. How about that thing? It’s like two tigers playing poker at Andre 3000’s coffee table with a fancy-ass centerpiece between them. It’s probably an electronic centerpiece that dispenses cigars and shots of whiskey when you get a sweet hand or say something bad ass like, “Full house of pimps and hoes” (referring to kings and queens of course).

But, that wasn’t enough. I needed to know more! I also found out that of roughly 193 countries in the world, Malaysia is 43rd most populated and 66th largest by total land area. Now, let’s go back to the words “roughly 193 countries” because that’s an answer one can find online. Roughly? What’s so rough about it? Just count them! Are a few of them undecided? “Well, that’s either a country or just a gigantic rock with a butt-load of people waving a multi-colored bedsheet at us. Or is it a flag?” Pick one! There are roughly 20 pickles in your average pickle jar. There are roughly 2900 Cheerios in your average Cheerios box. There are an exact number of countries on planet Earth! I demand to know how many, Internet!

Seriously. You got the ability to show me the roof of my house at any given moment, which is creepy because that’s where I do most of my nude sunbathing. You can give me directions to any place in the world, from any place in the world, even if it means crossing an ocean. But you can’t count to just under 200? Get it together, Rainman. Quick, how many toothpicks on the floor? Now, tell me roughly how much one of those new compact cars costs. Just roughly. Can you do that? Probably not.

The funniest thing is, the internet can be so helpful, but we rely on it so much we get mad when it doesn’t give us exactly what we want. Like when we type “why” into Google and it gives us “why is my poop green?” No, I was actually wondering, why isn’t it green? Or when I type in “pictures of J” and was about to finish typing “Jesus” but it suggests “Justin Bieber”. I know what the Bieber looks like. I don’t need that. Or how about when all those people in Malaysia (all 5 of them) searched for information on tsunamis or Mario or Jay-Z and got directed to this ridiculous blog. Poor guys, thinking they’re going to get some helpful information and instead come across this. Well, at the very least I hope I can make you feel a little better about ending up at this web address. Today has been Malaysia Appreciation Day. Germany, Thailand, Hong Kong, you’ll get your day. Maybe.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Transformers, Dude!

The new “Transformers” movie is coming out! There’s been a lot of buzz about this one, both good and bad. Every time one of these movies comes out there’s the negative buzz though. And for this type of movie, it doesn’t make much sense to me. I get people want to appear smart and show off their knowledge of how “great movies” are supposed to be but sometimes you got to let that go. Sometimes you just got to forget about the character arcs and relationships between them and the subtext in the dialogue and the plot and just tell me if you liked all the huge explosions.

I wasn’t ever a huge “Transformers” kid. I think I was a little young when the show was on, but I think I remember my older brothers watching it. I definitely know the basics, cars turning into giant fighting robots and back again. Very cool. These things are from space or something though, right? And how did they know what kind of transportation we have on planet Earth to model themselves after? I’m not sure of that but I’m not going to knit pick. I’m just thankful the Autobots didn’t take a look at our planet when the horse and buggy was popular. Or when the rickshaw was getting off to a running start (Get it?). Probably wouldn’t have provided for the best action movie.

Anyway, getting back to my point; this TV show was about cars turning into robots. Little kids saw this and thought, “This is the coolest thing ever”. Know what they weren’t thinking? “I wish there were more to the relationship between the boy and his car-robot. There isn’t anything creating tension between the two. Their personalities aren’t different enough to create conflict.” They’re goddamn kids! They want to know when the next explosion happens and how much shit is getting fucked up! They probably wouldn’t use those words or else they’d get spanked or put in the corner, but that emotion is there.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Brazilian Carnaval

The level of my bathroom air freshener was alarmingly low, so it was time to buy a new one. I made a special trip to the grocery store, but I didn’t want people to know I went just for that. So, I picked up some food for myself and then happened to stroll through one of the cleaning aisles. I came across the air fresheners. “I’ll just check some of these out while I’m here, I suppose!” I proclaimed. No one else was even in the aisle.

I browsed through the section with a quick eye. Clean Air...too boring. Fresh Linen...I don’t want people thinking I do laundry non-stop, and in my bathroom! Thai Dragon Fruit...I just had that one. And I’m still not sure that’s a real fruit. Also, who cares what nationality the fruit is? Then, I saw a new one. One I’ve never noticed before. Brazilian Carnaval.

Now, I’ve never been to Brazil. So, I’ve obviously never been to a carnival there. But I have been to a carnival or two here in the United States. And if my bathroom ever smelled like one, I would spray air freshener immediately! That’s one of the smells I’m avoiding letting my bathroom smell like! I don’t want to plant that smell in there! Carnivals are filled with large animals dropping dumps where ever they please, fried foods and kids eating too much fried food and throwing up all over themselves. I bring an air freshener with me when I go to a carnival. Not to capture the essence! But to mask it!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

No! I'm The Rom Com Queen, Bitch!

So, when you think of Romantic Comedies, which actresses pop into your head? For me it’s Jennifer Aniston and Kate Hudson. To me, those are the two most prominent. Then, I thought, which of these two is the most prominent? Which one is the Rom Com Queen?

I originally wanted to have the two fight over the title but it turns out one of them was unavailable on such short notice. So, I thought I’d break it down as best I could without both of them being present.
OK, so to start, they both starred with many amazing actors. To name a few, Jennifer Aniston has starred with Ben Stiller, Jason Bateman, Vince Vaughn, and my favorite of her co-stars, Paul Rudd. That’s a big plus. That guy kicks ass cheeks! Kate Hudson has starred with Owen Wilson, Luke Wilson, Matthew McConaughey, and Matthew McConaughey. I’m noticing a theme. Kate doesn’t seem to like to break out of the box too much. Sticking primarily with Wilsons and McConaugheys. I’m going to give the point to Aniston for this round, variety is key in this business.

Now, a litte round of, where do they come from? Jennifer Aniston’s parents are John Aniston and Nancy Dow. Kate Hudson’s are Goldie Hawn and Bill Hudson however she was mainly raised by Hawn and her long time partner, Kurt Russel. Kate your parents made “The Out-of-Towners”, “Tango & Cash” and “Big Trouble In Little China”. Jen your parents.....who are they again? Your dad’s been starring in “Days of Our Lives” since my birth year? Sorry, not as impressive. Kate, your royal family of acting geniuses help you take this round. But, you can’t ride their coat tails throughout this entire intense and respectable competition.

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Samuel L. Jackson Lost His Credit Card


...a woman who divorces her husband when he comes out of the closet...
...Daffy Duck in "Space Jam 2"...
...a plant with a head started blindly shooting these fire boogers at me!...
...I jumped on their heads and squashed them into batter...
...These shrooms are insane!...
... a deep purse is great for carrying several gats around...
...You’re not my father! Stop acting like it!!...

All of which I suppose you could have just scrolled down and read. Well, almost everything.

And now today on

Samuel L. Jackson Lost His Credit Card

SAMUEL L. JACKSON sits on the couch, looking AGITATED. He dials a number on his phone. A man, FRED, answers.

Hi, this is Fred. How may I help you?

Hey! I lost my credit card and I want it deactivated! Now!

What’s the name on the card?

Samuel L. Jackson!

How do you spell it?

You don’t know how it’s spelled?!

No sir, that’s why I asked. Can you spell it?

S! A! M! U! E! L as in lick my dick! Space! L as in lick my dick again! Space! Jackson!

OK, sir I got your first name and middle initial but then you just screamed your last name. Could you spell your last name as well?

Jackson! J! A! C as in come on! You don’t know I am?! K as in come on! You still don’t know who I am?! S! O! N as in nobody don’t know who I am!

Thank you sir. One moment while I transfer you to the claims department.

Friday, June 24, 2011

The Difference Between Me And Most Rappers

I’m willing to bet any amount of money (below five dollars) that at least 50% of male rappers have a song where they mention women’s fashion. You ever notice this? They talk about Coach bags and Manolo Blahnik and Burberry and all sorts of things. All sorts of things that are for women.

What’s up with this? People are still like, “Yeah, he’s the man. He’s hardcore.” He sounds like a woman. Talking about the latest fashion and heels and purses. Then, his next song is about killing people and all the guns he has. I suppose a deep purse is great for carrying several gats around but it doesn’t seem to fit the “rapper style”.

Now, I’m not saying I don’t like these rappers or these songs. In fact, I love them. I tried to incorporate this “badass style” into my own life. But it doesn’t work for me! I talk about the shoes my girlfriend has from Steve Madden and how they’re not only great looking but practical as well. I boast about her cute new top from Wet Seal which was practically a steal. And people make fun of me. They call me names. Why am I not getting praised for rhyming Charlotte Russe with scarlet caboose? Does a record company want to call me? No!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Diary Entry: 01 - Very Bad Trip

Dear Diary, 
I wasn't expecting today to be filled with so much action. After jumping up in the air, slamming my head on a shiny box and busting it open, a bunch of shrooms fell out onto the ground. Well, just one fell out but it started sliding around on the ground immediately. 
Naturally, I sprinted towards it and ate that thing whole. Luigi always says shrooms take awhile to kick in but I doubled in size instantly! I thought, "Mamma Mia, this is perfect! I'll finally be able to kiss Princess Toadstool somewhere other than the knees!" But then, out of a nearby pipe, a plant with a head started blindly shooting these fire boogers at me! I say blindly because it had no eyes. But this must have been the Stevie Wonder of Fire-Booger-Shooting-Plants because it was on it's mark! I couldn't let one of those fire boogers touch me! It would probably shrink me (for who knows what reason?) and I couldn't go back to my cherie amour Princess Toadstool like that!

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Bird Call

Did you hear they selected a new voice for the Aflac Duck? In April. Yeah, I'm talking about it now. It was this sales manager in Minnesota. I say good for him landing the job, but I'm a little afraid the wrong choice was made. 
So, Gilbert Gottfried made some distasteful comments about the tsunamis in Japan. And yes he should get fired. But the reason he worked as the voice was because he had experience voicing a bird. Remember Iago in Aladdin? That's right, Gottfried was made to be a bird. Even the beady eyes scream bird. So, shouldn't we be looking for another actor with experience being a bird? 
How about Geoffrey Rush? Nigel in "Finding Nemo". Great bird acting. And he was nominated for best supporting actor for "The King's Speech". That's a high accolade. And how about his part