Thursday, December 4, 2014

Reorganizing The NFL Divisions

Do you ever wonder why the NFL Divisions are the way they are? I mean, I get they developed as they went along and it's not ALL based on geography...but then why are they named NFC West, NFC North, and so on? Shouldn't the teams be more closely located to one another to be in the same division? And why is Dallas in the NFC East and St. Louis is in the NFC West? Take a look at a map. If you start in Dallas and travel west until you hit St. Louis...well you've just taken one of the longest city-to-city journeys possible without crossing the same line of longitude twice.

I know they aren't going to change them. But what if they did? What if the divisions were created based solely off location? Save on fuel for buses and cars and planes for the players and the coaches and the fans traveling to other stadiums. Maybe it would save a ton of money! I took a stab at what I think the divisions would look like.

First let's start with what they currently look like. I took the liberty of creating some Blob-Information-Maps as I like to call them.

Red Blob = AFC East
Patriots, Jets, Bills, Dolphins

Blue Blob = AFC North
Steelers, Browns, Bengals, Ravens

Gold Blob = AFC South
Colts, Titans, Jaguars, Texans

Purple Blob = AFC West
Broncos, Chargers, Raiders, Chiefs

Green Blob = NFC East
Cowboys, Giants, Redskins, Eagles

Lavender Blob = NFC North
Vikings, Bears, Packers, Lions

Pink Blob = NFC South
Panthers, Saints, Buccaneers, Falcons

Orange Blob = NFC West
49ers, Seahawks, Rams, Cardinals

Now it's not horrible. Some of the divisions aren't too too bad. But I still think I can do better. Here is my revised NFL with it's new divisions. Oh and I've changed the names of the divisions now that they are more based on locations. The conferences are no longer AFC and NFC they are East and West like the NBA. Just wanted to spice up the NFL as much as possible.

Red Blob = East - We All Have Strong Accents
Patriots, Jets, Bills, Giants

Blue Blob = East - Smokestack Country
Steelers, Browns, Bengals, Lions

Gold Blob = East - Flori-Georgia
Jaguars, Buccaneers, Dolphins, Falcons

Purple Blob = West - Legal Pot And Great BBQ Land
Broncos, Titans, Chiefs, Rams

Green Blob = West - We Either Walk Or Talk Slow
Cowboys, Texans, Saints, Cardinals

Lavender Blob = West - All Of Our State Flowers Is Snow
Vikings, Bears, Packers, Colts

Pink Blob = East - Cheesesteaks To Almost Southern Charm
Eagles, Ravens, Redskins, Panthers

Orange Blob = West - I Can See The Pacific Ocean From My Backyard
Chargers, Raiders, 49ers, Seahawks

Now look at that! Basically no overlap among divisions! Everyone's opponents are closer now I think. What do you think? Wait, wait. Before you make a decision, would you like to see the current playoff picture based off of everyone's records as they currently are? Granted they would play the teams in their new division more and a lot of things would be different and the way their spots are determined now are based off different divisional and conference stats but for poops and chuckles let's just see what it would look like.

In The East!

Division Winners
1) Eagles
2) Patriots
3) Bengals
4) Dolphins

Wild Card Spots
5) Lions
6) Bills

In The Hunt

Ooh, the Dolphins are actually winning their division now. And they don't have to travel to freezing cold New England and New York. They can basically stay in Old Florida. Miami must love me for that. Hotlanta is a little cool on me since I took away their playoff spot and put them In The Hunt. Whatever, you guys aren't even at .500. I know it's Hotlanta but chill. (Sweet wordplay Steve) The Patriots lost their homefield advantage throughout but are still in second. Slight bummer but not too big a bummer. And the Bills and the Lions controlling their own destiny! How interesting this all looks.

In The West!

Division Winners
1) Broncos
2) Cardinals
3) Packers
4) Chargers

Wild Card Spots
5) Colts
6) Cowboys

In The Hunt

And the Broncos are now 1st in their conference! Denver must be high on me for that slight bump up (Seriously Steve, so punny today). Chargers are now winning their division rather than just a wild card. You're welcome San Diego. Took away the Colts division leader status but don't fret Indy you are still in the playoffs. And no matter what I did with moving the divisions around, I'm sorry Oakland, there's no getting the Raiders even a nosebleed seat to see where the playoffs are. I could put them in their own division...I know they are good at beating themselves. Maybe that would help.

So, Goodell, other NFL big wigs, here is my proposal. Yes we will lose some rivalries. Yes we will lose tradition. Yes we will lose about 80% of the annual air traffic passing over Utah. But we've already lost so much. No more celebrations of more than one person. No more celebrations in which a player puts his hands on the ground. No more celebrations showcasing dance moves to any song released circa 1998. What's the NFL stand for anyway? No Fucking Love?! You wouldn't mind taking some more things away. You took things away in interest of player safety, why not take things away in interest of saving gas and travel expenses? And so that I don't have to explain TO ONE MORE GIRL I DATE "YEAH I KNOW, ST. LOUIS IS EAST OF DALLAS IT'S WEIRD AND YEAH INDY REALLY ISN'T IN THE SOUTH BUT THAT'S JUST HOW IT IS AND YEAH I WOULDN'T WANT TO TRAVEL FROM KANSAS CITY TO OAKLAND EITHER AND I DON'T KNOW WHY ALL THE CALIFORNIA TEAMS AREN'T TOGETHER OR THE FLORIDA TEAMS OR THE NEW YORK TEAMS OR THE TEXAS TEAMS IT SEEMS THE ONES WITH THE LARGEST AMOUNT OF ELECTORAL VOTES SPLIT THEIR TEAMS UP, I DON'T KNOW, IT'S WEIRD, AND NO WHEN I SAY I WANT A LEMONADE I DON'T WANT A PINK LEMONADE THAT JUST MEANS REGULAR LEMONADE YOU KNOW REGULAR LEMONADE IS YELLOW RIGHT AND...

Just try it my way once.

Friday, November 14, 2014

There's Plenty Of Catfish In The Sea

Yes there are Plenty Of Fish out there. There's even a dating site called Plenty Of Fish in which there exist plenty of fish. Plenty of Catfish as well. In my experiences using the site I'd say about 10% of the people on there are Catfish. You know what a Catfish is, right? Here's an example.

The girl I was talking to had pictures of "herself" looking like this.

Then she ended up looking like this.

(A lot of times these Catfishes end up having mustaches in real life, just like a real life catfish.) Sure maybe it's superficial to judge people based on their looks but when they lie about their looks I think it's OK since they're ugly all around. The only redeemable quality I can come up with for one of these people is that they could probably make a great spy.

In addition to the Catfish we have the Fatfish. Somewhat related. The Fatfish is FANTASTIC at taking pictures that shed anywhere between 20 to 50 pounds. Perhaps they're using a filter I don't know about. Toaster. Kelvin. Bulemic Sunrise. Lap Band Mist. Or perhaps they just know what angle to take their pictures at so as to "hide the fat" and "enhance the boobs". You ever see a fish or something else in the water and think you know what size it is, not realizing the surface of the water is distorting it's appearance. Then, once removed from the water you now see it's true size and shape. Same thing.

Example...on the dating site.

In real life. Real, sad life.

The Fatfish makes up about 25% of Plenty Of Fish.

Then we have the Hammerheads. Ooh a shark! You think to yourself, "What a glorious beast. So majestic." And it is. Amazing looking. But then after you talk to them you realize...oh...maybe she doesn't have a brain. Maybe there's just a bag full of hammers in there. Because...who would correct my use of farther and further when I know the rule to that shit and apply it SPOT ON every time! She also told me "farther" isn't a word. Only "further" is. Hammerhead. I did not wish to be near her. To further my point I moved farther away from that dummy.

Hammerheads can also just refer to a girl with her eyes to far apart from one another. Sure that seems mean but no one wants to try to kiss someone who can't see you coming in to plant one on them. You could really injure yourself there. Both types of hammerheads combined make up 20% of this site.

Then you got your guppies, girls that are too shy to ever meet up with you. They just went on the site to turn people down I guess. The Angler Fish, I always working an angle. "Yeah MAYBE we should meet up. MAYBE you should check out my site, I'm trying to become a singer." Great. A girl that will finally talk to me and she just wants to sing to me. Mahi Mahi - A foreign and exotic one...but doesn't speak much English and doesn't understand ANY OF YOUR JOKES...even though you are clearly coming at her with your best material. Goldfish - Gold diggers. Largemouth Bass - heh heh. Eels - Conversation long like an eel. "Let's really get to know each other before we meet up. I think we should talk for 9 months before we even consider meeting." I think you must be joking. 9 months? What did you just get knocked up? Seahorses - The feminists. "Why should a female HAVE TO carry the baby? Why can't a man do it?" I don't know I don't make the rules. Or the genitals. Just dealing with the dick I got. Umm...are you pissed at me? (Yes, she's pissed at you.) Did I do something? (No you didn't do anything other than be born a man.) Should I keep talking to you? (No you shouldn't. SWIM AWAY!) All of these constitute about 40% of the site.

Yup you guessed it. There's only 5% left. Or maybe you didn't guess it and you did the math. Following along to see if I messed up and counted over 100. Oh you'd love that wouldn't you? But no. We have accounted for 95% of the site. So what IS the remaining 5%? I'm not sure.But these are the ones that I actually have a good conversation with. That I feel like I click with. That.....stop messaging me back out of nowhere. What the hell? What---ohhh. This one was an actual fish and died staying on land for too long. It in fact was not messaging me it's deepest feelings it was just flopping around on the keyboard, jumping for dear life, smashing keys at random. Trying desperately to get back into some water.

Oh well. Better than getting Catfished.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Some Of The Best Noises

Some of the best noises

1 - Alec Baldwin saying long as it's just above a whisper.

2 - Mila Kunis saying long as she is naked.

3 - Ice hitting the sides of your glass...assuming your glass is filled with an alcoholic beverage.

4 - A fat man trying for an entire minute to get up from a leather couch.

5 - Someone with dress shoes walking across a wooden floor.

6 - That dinosaur in Jurassic Park. The one that kills Newman. That noise it makes.

Some of the best noises to make me salivate

I guess that would be #2 and #3

Some of the best noises to make me erect

Ironically...I think it's all 6

Some of the best noises to make me laugh

#1, #4 and #6

Some of the best noises to teach someone why they should not become a fat ass

#2, #4 and #6

Some of the WORST noises to hear when you're all alone and it's dark

#5 and #6

The best noise to hear when YOU are naked


Aw who am I kidding...let's throw in #1 as well. (That Baldwin Whisper is deadly!)

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

Time To Browse Through That Dating Website

You go on that dating website you belong to. AlrightArrowBoy or whatever the shit it's called.

"Let me do some browsing of lady's profiles." You say out loud to no one because no one is there because you are alone which is why you are on this site. (It's OK, I'm right there with ya.)

You start to open up profiles and read...

"I'm a free spirit. I don't like to be tied down by the standards people that we don't even know, have set before us. I do what makes me happy."

Oh OK you don't have a job and I will be paying for everything. Next.

"I'm not a princess but I expect to be treated very well. No need to wait on me hand and foot but treat me like I am special. I love a gentleman. I like to believe chivalry is still alive."

Oh I actually DO act like a princess and you DO expect to be waited on hand and foot. Otherwise why would you bring it up? You probably have a job but will spend all your money on things for yourself and I will be paying for everything (as a gentleman does). Next.

"I don't mean to sound cocky but I deserve the best..."

Don't need to read anymore. I'll pay for everything except the one time you buy us ice cream and you'll make a huge deal out of it because YOU the GIRL bought us something. It's 2014! This is not anything to brag about! Next.
"Come up with something interesting for us to do on our first date. No thanks with the cliche "Let's go to dinner."

You're gonna hate whatever I pick no matter what and even if I get a second chance and we end up going to dinner...I bet I'm paying. Next.

"I need an honest man...a man who will take care of me..."

Yeah honestly...we haven't even met yet. Take care of you? You've never picked up a check for dinner have you?

"I love clubbing, going out drinking, bars..."

You sound expensive. Also you just named 3 things that are almost all the same. Sweet hobbies.

"Prove to me why you deserve to go out with me..."

What with money? Next.

"I'm not even sure why I'm on this site..."

Yeah I'm not sure why I'm looking at your profile.

No voy a estar pagando por mí mismo."

Sounds like we won't have much to talk about...and like my bank account will be shrinking. Donde esta mi wallet?

"I don't expect for the man to pay for me. We haven't even met. I have my own money, I can pay for myself. I do not need to rely on a man to buy my dinner. I want to be treated as equal and I do not see that there should be any difference when it comes to dating."

Alright...what the fuck is wrong with this one? She's hiding something.

And that's how it goes. Not to sound like a cynic. But you check out 10 profiles...then you decide to backtrack...maybe I was being too critical, you say. Maybe I'll message 3 of them. I'd feel dumb if I came on here tonight and didn't message anyone. So..... #1 #2 and #9 because they were the hottest.

And now you're working overtime just to buy yourself lunch...

Friday, May 30, 2014

This One Time...

One time a girl bought a round of drinks for me and her which included

- A drink for her
- And nothing for me as I pulled the car around to pick her up because it was cold outside

(Note: Not a fucking round when you only buy one drink. Has to be multiple drinks dummy!)

One time a girl told me I was too negative and that I should just do whatever I want and scrap the word can't from my vocabulary. 30 minutes later she told me she wanted to get a tattoo, I told her she should. She said she can't because she doesn't have the money. Then she asked me to pay for it. Guess who got in trouble when they pointed out who was using what words.

(The guy who was right.)

One time a girl told me something was going to cost one amount and it ended up costing 4 times as much.

(That girl was a stripper.)

One time a girl cheated so I broke up with her. Sure it was Monopoly but I take that game seriously and feel that is a direct reflection of the type of person you are.

(I'm always the banker now.)

One time I held a door open for a girl and she responded with "I hate you right now."

(I only walk through automatic doors now...too traumatized to do otherwise.)

One time a girl only showed me one boob so my total boob count will forever be messed up.

(Everyone else I know has an even number.)

One time a girl stole a Mountain Dew right out of my hand. It was one can off a six pack and I suppose I didn't need them all but still...bitches thirsty for the Dew.

(Also I just won them in a raffle at the high school dance so they really meant a lot to me.)

One time a girl read this entire post and

- Got hearts in her eyes for me like the popular emoji
- Fell in love with me
- Proposed to me

And I said yes.

(Kidding…I’d never say yes. I have to do the proposing. Duh.)

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

Diagonal Walkers

Here's the situation.
It's Saturday night and you just got to the grocery store cause you realized you were low on milk, condoms and NyQuil and that's where you get all of those things. Normally it's cool to be like, "Yo I'm low on condoms broseph!" but in this case you actually ran out cause you had no paper towels in the house and that was what you cleaned up that pasta sauce spill with. It was the only option. Oh yeah you need paper towels too.

Anywho, you're in a rush and you're driving up to the store and you're in the parking lot. A pedestrian needs to cross so you slow down...cause you're nice. A lot of people don't walk straight across if they aren't directly in front of the doors. And that's fine. This is where you get diagonal walkers. But the angle at which they cross is important.

Pedestrians in this situation, if a car slows down for you, be mindful! Obviously the quickest way to get out of the car's way is to walk straight a perpendicular path to the path the car is taking. this aerial image provided to me from a military helicopter and shut up that is too what cars look like from an aerial view when you're drawing in Paint OK?!

The red dotted line is the path the pedestrian takes. No need to do that. Take an angle so you can minimize walking time to the door. But watch your fucking angle! Here is an acceptable angle.

Taking a little bit of time off your journey. Here is another acceptable one.

Basically a 45 degree angle. That's cool. Now driver, remember you're here at the store cause you need your milk, your jimmy hats you won't be using anytime soon, your sleepy juice and your paper you want to get that stuff right away. (Yes maybe the driver is me but I'm addressing YOU as if the driver is YOU so what?) But you want to get in and get out. No one's trying to spend all day at the grocery on a Saturday night when you could be at home calling all your friends looking for plans and finding none at all! And is the angle this Diagonal Walker decides to take.

Oh thanks dick-shit! I'm only waiting back here for 2 fucking minutes as you cross a 20 foot space in the slowest time I have ever seen! Are you trying to get run over? Do you have nowhere to be and nothing on Netflix? Do you have a deathwish? Do you not hear the MONSTROUS ENGINE OF MY SWEET ASS MOM-HATCHBACK PURRING BEHIND YOU?! And what the fuck is up with those side steps? Haven't you hear what Big Daddy Kane said? "Ain't no Side Steppin" OK maybe that's not exactly what he said but it's close enough and the man also has an album titled "Taste Of Chocolate" featuring songs such as "Taste Of Chocolate Intro" and "Taste Of Chocolate Exit" and "Put Your Weight On It" so I think you should probably listen to him.

Which means...

No Side Steppin!
Hurry the fuck up and get a Taste Of Chocolate as you Intro the store and quickly Exit the parking lot and my general vicinity.
And when you're trying to close a suitcase for the week and it's overflowing with clothes Put Your Weight On It.

That last one doesn't apply to this situation but it's still a fantastic tip.

Anyway, get the fuck out of my way Diagonal Walkers! I got a Saturday night to cry about cause I did nothing on it and I ain't doing it in the fucking parking lot! I'm doing it at home...

Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I'm Sick! Bring Me A Soda!

When you have an upset stomach and you're a kid sometimes your Mom or Dad would say "Have a Ginger Ale, it's good for your stomach."

What?! Soda?! And it's not even a weekend or a best friend's birthday party?! I get to have soda?! It's the fucking best. Being allowed soda as a kid is the adult equivalent of......well there is no equal because no one is restricting your intake of anything as an adult. It's just the best.

And what is that about? A bubbly thing is good for your upset stomach. Is there a doctor that can explain this? My stomach is upset and feeling gurgly and bubbly so why not put something bubbly in it to calm it down. Wouldn't that just exacerbate the problem? You'd have double the bubble and then become equipped with mega farts. Maybe that's where the healing lies. Fart out the pain!

Regardless Ginger Ale is one of those awesome sodas that doesn't count as soda because it's apparently fucking medicine.

Sprite only counts as real soda half the time. Sprite's the next best if there is no Ginger Ale in the house.

Any of your fruit sodas, orange, strawberry, grape...those basically count as soda like 75% of the time. They can be used as well.

Coke and Pepsi...I'd give that a 90% of the time on actual soda...10% medicine to give you fart power to blast your sickness away in a hot, foggy cloud of see-ya-later!

Beer is carbonated. So I think that could be medicine sometimes too. I bet if you gave a kid beer when he had an upset stomach...or maybe like 7...well he'd shut up. And when the kid shuts up it is to be assumed he is all better. Parenting 101. We'll give beer a 5% medicine rate.

Vodka may not be bubbly, but most things I drink it with are bubbly so that should work too. Vodka is 4% medicine. Also it is often mixed with fruit juices and fruit is great for sick people so I say we bump that one up to like 12% for good measure. A screwdriver really is a phenomenal thing for your immune system.

I hear heroin numbs a lot of pains and often times there are bubbles in the needles right? Maybe it's bad to get a bubble into your bloodstream but I'm sure an upset stomach cancels that out. When the bubble enters your system and there is an upset stomach it skips the blood stream and heads right to where it's needed. It's like when you take ibuprofen and you have a tiny shoulder ache and a huge headache it goes to your head. Ibuprofen and heroin bubbles are the same...they are both very smart and know where they are needed most. That's why they're called drugs! So on that note heroin is 20% medicine ... we'll say.

And on that note as I just wrote "heroin is 20% medicine" I think it is time to end this post. I take no responsibility for what I said and you should not be relying solely on my advice. You should consult with a doctor. This is all based off a theory of being able to fart out your sickness. But.....if heroin does make people fart.....well then I think I have a solid case here. The proof is in the they say.